In the bad news dept the Yankees somehow managed to take a 3 game to 0 lead against the sox and lost the series. New York is in mourning. A bad omen for my move here? nah. Prob not. But how they did that I have no fucking clue.
You came to me in a dream last night. well, better put, we met up in a dream last night, I will scribble madly without editing.
Did you know that today was my birthday? no I’m sure you didn’t but it is and last night/this morning I was awoken by the first time you came to me in the dream by how vivid it was. as if we were in another universe. Like the one you had where we were at the university/college campus under the stars… remember?
This was so vivid that I awoke and thought wow this is awesome Juliet is coming for my birthday. we were building a fort together outdoors with my boys in the band. and then we had to do our own radio show. I mean it was like you were right there. it was so real. you have a lot of young boy energy, I assume you can feel that. a lot of tom boy in you. yes? you know, I was always so obsessed with my obsession of you since junior high as the archetypal woman that I never even noticed that before this dream. And then I was looking at you in the dream and I was seeing it and of course now that I am awake I can really see it. a lot of male energy.
We had a lot of fun in the dream and felt a very strong loving trusting vibe to one another. Again, other worldly, magnificent, close, brother/sisterly, completely unconditional and trusting. And we were very happy to be joined up doing our thing there. it was not a lovey dovey sexual kind of thing at all. which of course continues to daunt my weak and feeble mind because that is the only way I seem to be able to relate to girls until after I sleep with them, in which case then I can easily look at them from a friends only perspective. Haha! oh my God did I just write that?! classic. But true most of the time. unless I am not attracted to them. and in this case I cannot even say that I am attracted to Juliet. I just want to sit and stare in her eyes for hours all the time — those eyes of hers — it is as if I am peering into the soul of myself or someone very dear to me, like family or something…. and I long to listen to her speak, as strange as that sounds, because she says such amazingly transcendent things; like a guy, I mean, not to be sexist, but she speaks and writes like a guy, like some fifty year old award winning novelist guy; or like you would want a girl to, but have her still stay a girl; there are many so many examples of these julietisms. Once when she compared life to a shot of cognac after a yoga class, and in that moment I wanted to grab her and stare in her eyes for an hour and then make love to her all day and just stare in her eyes and hold her and bond with her and I don’t know, just get to know her more and get to know the possibilities of what we could be I guess. I wanted to glance at her from afar glancing at me from afar. And then both of us letting out smiles that we were there, together, lucky to know one another and to appreciate one another for who we were. Things like that.
So I don’t know if you can call that attraction. I think it is more like admiration. I even try sometimes to look at her from that perspective. I try to imagine kissing her, caressing her, making love to her… I mean, I’m a guy, I try to look at all women from that perspective. Especially with someone I love as dearly as Juliet. But with her, I cannot. Not really. I guess there is a part of me that feels that it is off limits, one because she has a boyfriend, and two because she has already indicated that it wouldn’t be appropriate, and three because it would be a waste of my time to guide my own mind in that direction if that isn’t the direction our relationship is intended to go into. so yes, just us hanging out enjoying being together, like both of us very happy that we happened to be there, in the company of one another in this dream, like so many others. felt cosmic. Very cosmic. Answers? Prob no answer. just is.