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article 2019-04-29 124624_10.html

Mom calls. upset. Finally opens her heart up to men for the first time in years… and has started dating. She is happier than she has been in many years. shines. Glows. Smiles even more than normal, which says a lot for her. she is a very happy and bubbly person already. How is it to talk to your mom about her dating men… having your mom call you crying because she is breaking up with a boyfriend… not as bad as one would think… its easy for me. easier than I thought. She’s cycling through boyfriends now. dating. Fun stuff. she still has a tendency to date down rather than up. ‘mom, please. just keep going through them. please don’t bring the bloodline down any further. For gods sake…’ I joke. ‘don’t be ridiculous Fishy. You’re bigger than that honey.’ ‘Mom why am I the only who seems to be bothered if you and Beaver forget who we are and where we came from and keep bringing people into our families who are beneath us…’ I bite my tongue. I regret what I say immediately. I am a monster. Listen to me. isn’t it love that’s all that matters? Am I wrong to want to keep the blood…. ‘people are not beneath people because of money Fishy. you know better.’ ‘well I’m not talking about money here mom. You know that…’

‘Mom study history. Whole kingdoms have been brought down because of someone marrying the wrong person. that’s all I’m saying. just please bear that in mind. We were raised a certain way. we came from a certain breed. Why am I the only one that remembers that?’ ‘honey you think too much about that. beaver is happy. don’t pester the boy for that. don’t ever talk this way to your brother.’ ‘mom he eats white bread and yellow mustard for gods sake….’ I’m an idiot I think… ‘honey your bother would eat like that no matter who he married… things like that are not important to Beaver. He doesn’t have the same tastes as you. there is nothing wrong with that. Look at his soul dear. He is more than all of that. He is a real gentleman. You need to see that…’

I do see it. I am just reacting to an unconscious resistance to being common. Probably because our family never lived up to our own upbringing… when our family came to America they came with a lot less than what they left behind. But they did this in order to find freedom and even more prosperity, as so many millions of people did and still do. This was how it was when you left your homeland and came to America I am told. But still they did well. Until the stock market crash of ‘29. My grandfather’s father lost everything and shot himself at the age of 35 leaving his wife and seven children behind. A weak man, and a coward. But still, my grandfather, the youngest, managed to climb back up and became very successful. Ironically he worked for the United States government for forty years as an attorney and judge. If he could only see me now. he would be chasing me around the house trying to hit me… But the family never regained the prestige or the resources that they had back home. that’s the point.

I will never forget my grandfather and grandmother sitting us down one summer day when we were children and showing us our great great great — I don’t know how many generations back — paternal grandfather’s name in the encyclopedia Britannica. This did not mean much to me at that age because I assumed that everyone had family in those big black books…. but later it became something very important to me. He was a famous mathematician who discovered many very algebraic formulas and theorems that are used and taken for granted today. then my grandmother showed us the name of her great uncle also in the Britannica who was a famous composer and musician who is not much remembered today except in scholarly circles. Again, I did not quite get the importance of this until much later. We were too young… but I gathered that it meant something…

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Uncategorized dating single mother, family history, Italian immigrates, Labels: ancestry, Relationships, single mother, succeeding in america, transcendence diaries

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