Still in awe over that church experience.
There is this antibiotic that the doctor has me on called leviquin. This is the fourth night in the row I have experienced this. it is now 3:21 am and I am wide awake. If you take it before bed you will at some point become aware during your sleep that you are sleeping and dreaming. It is a restless sleep to say the least, but filled with very vivid dreams, more like hallucinations. Filled with wild imagery and color. I have gotten two beautiful songs out of this drug so far, both while sleeping/dreaming. In the last dream I was just having I was dancing through a field with this young boy and Trophy wife, the singer. and we were in this imaginary world like hr puff and stuff or pee wee herman or neverland. All these rivers and tress and butterflies and we were just singing this gorgeous song together that we were making up as we went along. Finally I just thought this is enough, I’m going to wake up and record this song into a tape recorder. This is to good not to get down. So I snapped myself out of the dream and recorded some and now I’m just sitting here writing because my brain is moving so fast. it feels like speed. I cannot believe they release this stuff onto the market and just dish it out to regular unsuspecting people who trust whatever their doctor says. [and here’s the thing, I only take one half at a time because I’m just that way. more people die in America every year from legally prescribed prescription drugs than any other preventable cause. It’s the number one cause of death in America. I forget the number but its ridiculous. Like you hear it and you can’t believe it. so I always take really small doses of everything. I couldn’t imagine if I were taking whole tablets. I’d be jumping off the walls. But it has cured my ear ache pretty fast.]
Another side effect is this itching. My whole body itches. And this sucks. But it is worth this hallucinatory effect to be sure. My mind feels on fire almost. I would almost call it anxiety but I kind of like it, so I don’t mind waking up like this in the middle of the night to type or think or sing for an hour or two. If I did, I’d be hating life. but just what it does to the mind is so freaky and refreshing and exciting, I’m kind of welcoming the million miles an hour rapid thoughts. One caveat: this drug cost $368 for the bottle so this isn’t a cheap high, but worth it if you can get just a few. Also, its an anti-biotic, so its not the healthiest thing to be taking recreationally. If you’re up for it though and into mind exploration, this would be one to try. and I’m talking about purely scientific purposes here of course. if you’re into psychotropic drug research. I would almost classify this as a nootropic because the ideas fly out so fast.
Something I had come to understand tonight. about the whole girls saga that I write about endlessly. Quick before I lose my nerve to set it to paper. the thing is this. if you meet someone and they aren’t the someone, meaning you may have this great chemistry with them and be moderately attracted to them, but you aren’t head over heels with them, then of course yes the natural tendency is to want to hang with them. of course. so in me, that desire, its natural. Its not wrong. and all this time I had been making myself wrong for wanting to date all these girls who weren’t ‘the one.’ so for a long time now I haven’t been allowing myself to do it at all. but here’s the catch. If you already know they’re not the one. if you already feel that. that you’re not going to or not capable of or not going to be desirous of having a mid to long term affair with them, but just kind of in it because its moderately amusing or they are intellectually stimulating or you have fun with them, then you have to tell them from the beginning. You can’t just be dating them and playing along for your own selfish reasons because they’re fun in the moment. because to them you might be someone they really like. And its easy to use that to your advantage. But you can’t. you see its like if you meet the woman of your dreams and she introduces you to all these guys she went out with who you kind of say to yourself ‘well how the hell did you go out with him?’ its like that. we as men have to have the same kind of discrepancy that we expect girls to have. which normally we don’t. we just go out with whatever girl we can so we can shag them. because after all that’s our natural instinct, to do as many girls as possible. But we all know what happens after we bag a babe. Normally we lose interest pretty quickly. And that sucks for that girl and then it sucks for us because we feel guilty. And then we lose them as a friend. so the thing is about being real. Its about being real with ourselves and with the girl. Wow. that’s some heavy shit. I just never saw it through to its conclusion like that. I think this may have something to do with being a man. with being a gentleman. I think it may even be something like you can in the end actually date the girls because you may really enjoy certain things about them, but you just need to be totally upfront with them and let them know from the start that you’re friends. Kind of like girls do with us. you know how they do that? I know, it sucks. But they have that capacity. And we usually don’t. we’ll just lead any girl on just so we can sleep with them. but again, I think we have to start taking that attribute of women and applying it ourselves. There will be a lot less conflict and battle of the sexes going on if we’re upfront like that.
Last screening: frank Lloyd Wright biography by ken burns. Wow, what a crazy one. inspiring though disconcerting. Let us hope that it is possible to achieve the same level of genius without the same degree of dishonesty and creepiness.