As discussed numerous times in the past, I’ve had dyslexia since I was born (so we’ve been told). They say it stems from or at least often accompanies ADHD; both of which I was diagnosed with at an early age. ADHD has been the greater challenge to be sure when comparing the two. Especially since the ADD portion of it had not yet even been discovered (or invented as some argue) and definitely not yet understood or labeled back then. I, along with millions of others, was instead just labeled as being “particularly special” or a problem or a trouble maker or learning challenged, and usually placed in a variety of different “Special Ed.” type programs. (To make matters more confusing for us all, especially pour moi and my young mind, I was also ironically made to begin school a year early, skip the first grade entirely (both of which made me ridiculously smaller, more immature and less hairy than my peers — but that’s a different story, albeit a funny one), and placed in what they then called the “Gifted” programs due to higher than normal test scores. Yes, indubitably my first 16 years of life were a mind boggling roller coaster of fuck all confusion and chaos.)
To be fair to others, in order to better understand the context of anything i might say here, it should be noted that although it was recommended repeatedly to my parents throughout my school years, they chose to never put me on medication for these “challenges”, always insisting that with just a little more effort I could do just as well as the next kid. I just “needed more discipline”. This isn’t really the area I intended to focus on here, so let’s leave the pros and cons of that argument to the side for the time being and perhaps come back to it at a later date.
Ok fine, now that I’ve got us thinking about it, yes I do believe that that was a terrible mistake, though I’m sure an innocent one out of pure ignorance on my parents’ part, and indeed I most likely would have fared much better during those years had they at least tried a few medications as suggested. I will never forget that moment, on the floor of my mother’s office, seeing my transcripts for college at the age of 16 for the very first time — 11 years of school and never a grade higher than a D or F on every report card. I was more than shocked. Which illuminates the problem of the condition of ADHD itself perhaps better than anything else one might come up with: my mother God bless her couldn’t understand my shock, casually remarking “Well Fishy you know you’ve never done well in school. You’re very lucky your father and I were able to get this college to accept you.” To which I replied “Well… I knew I wasn’t an A student… But I had no idea I spent the last 16 years producing over 40 report cards filled with D’s and F’s my entire life. My God! Why didn’t you all DO something mom?!?” “Honey we tried! Do you have any idea how many visits to the principles office I have made on your behalf since you started school?!? I practically lived there!”
And she was right. She had practically lived in the principles office since I could remember. The telling point is that up until that moment, for whatever reason… There must have been something different about that moment… I was never “aware” that I was a “bad” student or made bad grades. Even though all the adults around me knew it, assumed it to be true and tried everything they could to help me. That in a nutshell is what having ADHD is all about. You’re here. And yet you’re not here. You appear to be here to everyone else. But you’re just not really here. So people assume you know things that you just don’t know. In fact you don’t even know there are things that you’re supposed to know but don’t. It’s that bad. At least it was for me.
So as not to cause inadvertent influence in a direction unintended, I will state for the record that since those early years I have tried every medication known to humankind for these challenges and have found none of them to be a benefit enough to surpass the detrimental side effects of them. An important side note I believe.
To be fair to others, in order to better understand the context of anything i might say here, it should be noted that although it was recommended repeatedly to my parents throughout my school years, they chose to never put me on medication for these “challenges”, always insisting that with just a little more effort I could do just as well as the next kid. I just “needed more discipline”. This isn’t really the area I intended to focus on here, so let’s leave the pros and cons of that argument to the side for the time being and perhaps come back to it at a later date.
Ok fine, now that I’ve got us thinking about it, yes I do believe that that was a terrible mistake, though I’m sure an innocent one out of pure ignorance on my parents’ part, and indeed I most likely would have fared much better during those years had they at least tried a few medications as suggested. I will never forget that moment, on the floor of my mother’s office, seeing my transcripts for college at the age of 16 for the very first time — 11 years of school and never a grade higher than a D or F on every report card. I was more than shocked. Which illuminates the problem of the condition of ADHD itself perhaps better than anything else one might come up with: my mother God bless her couldn’t understand my shock, casually remarking “Well Fishy you know you’ve never done well in school. You’re very lucky your father and I were able to get this college to accept you.” To which I replied “Well… I knew I wasn’t an A student… But I had no idea I spent the last 16 years producing over 40 report cards filled with D’s and F’s my entire life. My God! Why didn’t you all DO something mom?!?” “Honey we tried! Do you have any idea how many visits to the principles office I have made on your behalf since you started school?!? I practically lived there!”
And she was right. She had practically lived in the principles office since I could remember. The telling point is that up until that moment, for whatever reason… There must have been something different about that moment… I was never “aware” that I was a “bad” student or made bad grades. Even though all the adults around me knew it, assumed it to be true and tried everything they could to help me. That in a nutshell is what having ADHD is all about. You’re here. And yet you’re not here. You appear to be here to everyone else. But you’re just not really here. So people assume you know things that you just don’t know. In fact you don’t even know there are things that you’re supposed to know but don’t. It’s that bad. At least it was for me.
So as not to cause inadvertent influence in a direction unintended, I will state for the record that since those early years I have tried every medication known to humankind for these challenges and have found none of them to be a benefit enough to surpass the detrimental side effects of them. An important side note I believe.
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