TheTranscendenceDiaries

Thoughtful musings for the unabashedly aware and ravenously curious intellectual and intelligentsia

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January 3, 2004
Note: two days ago there was this huge family blow up between t and mom. The whole house was in an uproar. Except for me of course. Who just sort of minded my own business. Everyone was upset, taking sides, and having their own little temper tantrum. Soon everyone was saying they were leaving. I mean everyone, and taking the five nieces with them. But I would have none of it. I just
kept walking around the house talking to everyone attempting to patch things up between everyone.

When lollie and the three went to the front door to leave I just started moving their luggage and belongings back into the house and said no I’m sorry we have all traveled very far to come out here and be together and we must stay together. Families have problems and we are a family so lets just deal with it. and then I would run upstairs and talk five minutes to someone else. as everyone started to confront one another I just kept everything really light in the air and didn’t take sides with anyone. I kept sticking up for everyone instead. I took all the girls out side and taught them all how to sword fight with each other like Beaver and I used to do so the adults could be inside screaming at one another and letting their shit out. then they would wander outside and start arguing. So I would just up the lightness in the air. Someone would come outside and start crying so I would just yell louder at the kids having the sword fight “cut her leg off Jackie! Go for her arm Jordan!” so they wouldn’t pay attention to their mom or aunt or grandma crying. I guess the point is that one, families have disagreements, and two, that’s alright, three, that doesn’t mean that they have to leave and run away from it, and four, if you’re caught in the middle of it keep the situation light as all hell so people have the opportunity to hash it out so it doesn’t have a chance to come back next year. let everyone know its o.k. that they feel that way and its alright to express it, that in families that’s o.k. things ended up getting patched up that day and no one left mom’s house. mission accomplished. It was very cool.

Current read: the history and tradition of Judaism by Ariel Scholar. A good overview. The last few years started to realize that the majority of the world’s problems have been due to humanity’s various major religions. If its not the Catholics running around killing everyone, then it’s the Christians or the Moslems. And then somewhere in between all of this there are the Jews, who have probably contributed more to the evolution and advancement of mankind than any single race/religion/people—what do you call them??? The current essay I am reading offers no solution and agrees that they are not a race, nor a nationality, nor strictly a religion so the point is mute to try to label what exactly a Jew is except one who is descended from Abraham, or more aptly Judah—all very confusing. and somehow they are always kind of tapped in the middle of a lot of this craziness. But the point is that over the last five thousand years its just been total chaos between all these religions. Perhaps it isn’t the religions themselves but the people who use the religions as their excuse for misbehaving. Being vehemently not-religious forever, I have been intensely studying the major religions of the world for the last fifteen years or so just to have that foundation. To try to understand what the fuck is going on. Finally feel that now I am able to have a basic understanding of each one. its like the only sane and rational people on the planet today are the non-religious. The only ones who are willing to throw their hands up in the air and be o.k. with the fact that we really don’t know what the fuck is up with our origin or where we’re all going after we die. So the non-religious minority have had to sit and watch for thousands of years while the religious among us have wreaked all kinds of havoc on the earth and killed millions of people in the name of their respective Gods. If you’re even remotely spiritual and non-religious it’s a pretty frightening world to live in. For the last two weeks I have been studying all the various religions, reading lots of different essays and books and looking at lots of pictures of gods and messiahs and prophets and holy lands. the irony of course is that the most holy and intelligent and most seemingly God-like of Man’s major religions are Taoism and Buddhism, neither of which have a God in them as much as just a real reverence for life and a respect for the mystery of the universe we live in and the invisible force which seems to operate around us.

you don’t read about many Taoists or Buddhists running around the world killing people in the name of anything; that’s always a nice bonus when you’re religion shopping… Their underlying philosophy seems to be more ‘do what thou will and harm none.’ Whereas the other religions of the world seems to be more of ‘do what thou will and I’ll fucking kill you. if we have the manpower. If not then we’ll just curse you behind your backs. And teach our kids that you’re all going to hell unless you join up with us…’ Its no wonder the Chinese, one of the last great communist/non-religious empires on the earth are so fucking scared of religion and are trying so hard to keep their people away from the rest of the religions. [one can imagine the various scenarios recounted by history over the last few thousand years where the Catholics or the Christians or the Moslems have conquered all these different countries around them and all these millions of peoples like the Aztecs, or the Incas, or the Native Americans, where on the one hand they are preaching the ‘word of God’ to them or the ‘good news’ and at the same time they are trying to steal all their gold and land from them and slowly killing them all. you can see these meeker more peaceful peoples saying ‘hey thanks for coming to tell us about your God. We really appreciate it. and we’re really happy for you. it sounds like you have a really groovy thing going there with your God and all. but can you leave us alone and go back to your own country and perhaps we could talk about this through letters or email or something….]

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January 2, 2004
I am in the cigar store in phoenix. [I know. I quit about nine months ago, but I just love smoking during the cold holidays. The section of the Diaries that I am trying to edit by Jan 5th is about 575 pages and smoking is about the only thing that keeps my attention focused for long enough periods to sit and edit for hours at a time like that. or else I would just space it and never get it done. The diaries are terribly monotonous and now I am thoroughly convinced, not just secretly suspicious, that I am entirely insane without prejudice. Rambling on and on about the same thing months at a time.] The tinder box in the awatuke foothills is one of the coolest cigar stores in America. so laid back and cool. Its like the TV show Cheers. A bunch of guys always sitting around on chairs and talking and smoking. I come in here sometimes to smoke and write when I’m out this way.

Found some notes in my pocket for the diaries from a few days ago. a few months ago I had made this pact with myself to do at least one good deed a day. or more. right? I’ve written about it before I think. its one of those things that you forget about until you are hanging out with someone who notices and makes a comment about it. the artisan commented on it a lot. I think it’s the most fun thing you can do. just go around doing good stuff for people all the time. I noticed a few things about it this year. one thing is this: sometimes people are cynical about doing good deeds all the time. They have this voice in their head that tells them that if they are doing nice things all the time for people that they are selfish like they are doing it for themselves in order to get something back or whatever. I used to feel this way, so I just wouldn’t bother doing good deeds, cause I wanted to be doing it for the right reason. I think a lot people feel this way. Then once I started doing it, just totally coming from my heart and giving and helping in any way I could, I realized that it really does make you feel great, and that’s o.k. I mean the other person feels great too. so what’s wrong with you feeling good from it as well? absolutely nothing. Its just an awesome feeling. I noticed that the more you start to contribute to the good of other people the better you feel all the time. lets say it is totally selfish. Who cares? I noticed that that you can get totally addicted to helping others and how it makes you feel. It just rocks.

Last night I saw a little bit of Groundhog Day. I used to love that movie. And that was kind of the moral of the story. And it really cemented for me. like a message was being delivered. And then today in the cigar store, the Oprah show was on. And she was giving this lady this Princess of the day prize and gave her a car and more. it was awesome. Oprah is my hero. I would love to do that with my life. at the level that she is at now, with access to those kind of resources. it really resonated with me that you have to follow your heart and go with things that deeply resonate within yourself. And for me that does it. when it comes down to it, in the end of it all, that’s what its all about. how happy we can be and how much ability we have to help others be happy. I hope that my wife is as awesome as Oprah is. I hope that she is a super hero and that together we can really do some amazing things in our life together.

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January 1, 2004
Thinking more about friends. It does get to a point sometimes where you cannot keep track of all the friends you have. I guess you sort of have to pick and choose in each moment depending on where you are. Because you just don’t have enough time in your life to stay close to all of them. Especially if you travel a lot and are making lots of new friends all the time. the key is to try to stay as close and connected to as many of them as possible so that they all can feel your love and connection. Even though you may not be able to talk or hang out all the time. On a very mundane note, Microsoft outlook really helps with that.

I wonder if sometimes I sacrifice really close communication and connection with a few in order to maintain casual contact with many? I think sometimes that my close friends fault me for this. for being a bit too distant and aloof to everyone. I always vehemently denied this when someone would accuse me of it. but the last two days I have been thinking about it and perhaps there is some truth to it. am I not connecting enough? Am I not sharing myself enough with the people that I love?

Be yourself more. Let go and be yourself more. Tao Te ching says, stop comparing, stop competing. Do the work and stand back.

How can I become more real? More honest? More me? everyday is a struggle for it. to remain in the flow of me and not surrender to the world.

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October 31, 2003

With Princess last night. We were cruising down the strip listening to Jay Z and P. diddy and Outkast and she couldn’t believe I had all the hottest tracks. I don’t even know if I enjoyed myself though. I mean a part of me is into the whole idea of collecting experiences, you know. its like that for me. always has been. like a pirate. Somehow I am able to warden a part of myself off so while another part goes off in these adventures collecting experiences and treasures. So last night was another one. but I don’t think that these kind of adventures, as much fun and rare and exciting as they are, satisfy my heart or my soul as much as other things could. I can always tell cause I wake up the next day feeling weird rather than good. When I was cruising last night and some other things were going on that I won’t mention, I’m thinking, yea this is cool. Cool breeze blowing through our hair, the lights, the beats are pumping. But I kept thinking about the front page of the society section of the New York Times that I ripped out and hung up on my wall a few weeks back. George Plimpton had these book parties for like forty years at his apartment in New York before he died. Real intellectual affairs. I have the pic on my wall now to remind me to get the hell out of here just as soon as we are done recording the new album. 

This is the type of thing that Bas and Ferret and The Tortoise and the guys in the band find deadly boring—and we just really veer apart on these type of things. I can see them looking at me now, standing there brooding, just hating me for bringing them to these affairs on the rare occasion that I do. they hate it when I take them to stuff where its not just a big drunken fuck fest; which is understandable certainly. Who doesn’t like a big drunken fuck fest after all? But I think for me it would be heaven to start hanging out in my own environment again a bit more. I miss affairs like that terribly. Not getting them in Miami. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out. The real question may be so why do you live there then? Yeah I know. Long story. Got me thinking, maybe that’s not the rock singer thing, which has always sort of been one of my many dilemmas, but I don’t know if I really am too much of the rock singer except that I happen to be a singer in a rock band. [just read a review of Edie Brickel’s new one in Blender Mag and the guy says “if her new album was a TV station, it would be PBS: sincere and dull.” I had to do a double take. I’m like ‘I love PBS.’ I don’t think its dull at all. but then I remembered that when I was a real little kid I did used to think PBS was dull. Real dull. I hated it. and I was too young to understand the concept of sincere. But yea man I could relate to that, but not for decades now. once you grow up you really start digging on PBS.

So then I’m thinking man how old is this guy writing the review of Edie’s new album? 7 or 8? I mean what’s up? Or could it just be me? Since I was 16 I stopped getting into the smash em up action adventure movies. Man I’m lying. I never got into them. not even as a kid. I always thought they were irrelevant and stupid. Even as a kid. Seriously I was lucky to make it out of childhood alive AND sane. [o.k. perhaps I didn’t make it out quite ‘sane,’ but last time I checked I was still alive. But I did have the perception to understand that I was in the minority. Everyone around me was always so into these dumb action adventure movies. I remember being in junior high and we all went to see the new Rambo movie. I went along even though I didn’t know what Rambo was. I couldn’t stop laughing cause it seemed so dumb. But I was assured by my buds that it was not a comedy. And this was one of the pretty good ones. By the middle of the movie, I was thinking what the hell am I doing in this stupid movie? I started looking around me, and all my friends were really into it, mouths dangling open, fists pumped up in the air. And I’m thinking oh fuck mission control we have a problem. I think I got off on the wrong planet, or in the wrong time zone or something. I started realizing that I was just totally not connected to everyone else in my age group. 

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October 30, 2003
In order to find the girl of your dreams, you have to be the man of her dreams. if you are looking for this amazing, intelligent, cultured, well mannered, well spoken, dazzling, sparkling, educated, beautiful woman of class, elegance, and style that is going to blow you away, and keep you forever inspired and stimulated, then make sure that you are being the kind of man that she is looking for. Do you understand Fishy? so who are you being? That is the real question. I can feel that. Do you think there is such a thing? What?

You know, like someone who is going to keep you happy and inspired forever…
For some people there is. For others perhaps not. That is up to you to decide for yourself. 
I think of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Are they any worse off now that they have divorced and are with other people now? No probably not. Have they broken some code of honor or something? Or is it just the cycle of life and they’re just going with the flow of it? 
Yea I can dig that. and what’s more, sometimes I think, man its prob better to just move on if you’re in a dead end relationship or marriage that’s not making either of you happy. In the old days there was this perception that it was bad or wrong or “a sin” to get divorced. Couples felt compelled to just suffer through their miserable marriages. But I think that’s just a religious thing, and these days who believes in religion anyway. 

When you are an indie band, everyone is always trying to get you to get on some unsigned compilation CD, or get you on some unsigned or local radio show. But we always refuse. Same with the locals nights at clubs. That type of thing. Signed used to mean you had a contract with a major label. But now there are only a few major labels left. Because of all the monopolization and cannibalism that has gone on in the industry. There are just as many “signed” acts who never get heard of or make any money as indie acts, hundreds of them. The days of “signed” and “unsigned” are over. There’s always going to be bands that consider themselves “unsigned” or local. And that’s their choice. But good bands who aren’t signed with majors but who are signed with indie labels have a better shot of making money than a lot of the bands I know who are signed to major labels. Those guys just sit around for months and months and years sometimes waiting to be a priority to some suit they’ve never even met. Fuck that. I think now its just like the film industry was a few years ago, when all of a sudden all these independent films were being nominated and winning academy awards. We get so many offers for unsigned stuff cause we aren’t on a major and we always turn them down because we are not unsigned. We are signed. To an indie. And if people want to turn the insidious monopoly around that the music business has always been then they need to start changing how they’re doing things. what they’re saying, and how they’re saying it. When artists like Aimee Mann and Prince are “unsigned” and people like Britney and “take a look at the top ten” are “signed” then there is definitely a revolution that needs to happen here. 

Last screening: buffalo bill and the Indians. An old Robert Altman movie with Paul Newman and a young Harvey Keitel. Cool because my great grandfather was the musical director for Buffalo Bill Cody’s Wild West traveling show for a while in the 1880’s and 90’s. so this was interesting for that. but really we are just trying to find films about the native American holocaust and we cannot find any accurate portrayals of what happened in American film. I promised my Jewish friends that I would not make this comparison (for they feel that it could potentially have an effect of somehow minimizing the tragedy of the Jewish holocaust—which is obviously not my intention) but I cannot help thinking about this. I just cannot believe that there have been so many films about the Jewish holocaust and none about the Native Americans’. You can’t find one accurate movie about what happened to them. its crazy. 95 million people from one race killed over a period of 400 years by an invading group of other races. Hundreds of tribes completely wiped off the planet by the invading Europeans. There are hundreds of cowboy and Indian movies, hundreds. And they are all twisted, bigoted, biased, propaganda films no different than the propaganda films Nazi Germany made about the Jews. Their only intention to bias the people against the Native Americans and cheer for the copyboys (invading white men). Its just crazy. and I can’t believe it. I am a part of this big cover up. we all are. we live here. Everytime I see movies where the white man/European is on a horse and sings the national anthem or says “land of the free and home of the brave” it makes my stomach churn. 
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October 29, 2003

Dear Cat,

You are in London now I hear. We haven’t spoken in so long. I know that you think that you need to distance your self from certain friends that you had when you were with the Wolf. It is understandable that you would feel this way. I think we all do it when we break up. 

It is ironic that I saw you more since you broke up than the Wolf. It is an irony like out of a movie. And then for you to decide that because I am or was friends with him that you would distance yourself from me and the Brown Bear. I think this is really funny. I hadn’t actually been close with the Wolf for many years. we just started growing apart. But I had been getting closer and closer to you for many years. it could make a great screenplay. Anyway, I still feel the same way about you as I relate in my calls to you. You’ll always be a sister to me. I have a profound love for you and the kids. And for the Wolf too of course. (and the Brown Bear tells me every time we speak how much he misses you just so you know.) I just think that over the years that I ended up having more in common with you. more of a simpatico so to speak. Talking about it today with a friend, we realized that you don’t have to stay friends with people forever. its o.k. to have your friendships for as long as they last. But at the same time, its important to let your friends know how you feel. 

You meant a lot to me over the years. you gave me a lot of certain things. Love and support and fun and companionship. So I will always remember that. you guys were like my family away from home. so I honor you still and wish you the best for your future even if we don’t hang for a while. when you get that close to someone I don’t even think it matters after a while if you hang. You are already so close, its like you are connected through the air that you both breathe. 
I hope the new boy in your life turns out to be awesome and you guys live happily ever after! If he ever fucks up please let me know, and I will personally fuck his shit up to no end. 
Love
Fishy 

I think a lot about this now. how our friendships come and go throughout our lives. Some of the people we think are the most important at one time in our lives disappear after a while. who stays? Who lasts forever? family I guess. Family maybe. Its true. Me and the Wolf have continued to drift apart as friends. We just don’t have anything in common anymore. Same thing with Coon. Haven’t seen or talked to him in years. and me Toad don’t even hang out anymore. Haven’t in years. but we still talk on the phone. And its weird cause when we talk I still feel like I am talking to a brother. Like he’s my twin brother or something. Lost touch with Guru years ago. Heard he got married. I didn’t even know about it. I told Toad that it broke my heart not to even know about it. I was trying to play it down how it made me feel. I think that sometimes the tendency is there for us to beat ourselves over losing touch with our friends. But maybe that’s not the point of friendships. Maybe they’re meant to come in and out of our lives. Maybe they don’t necessarily have to last forever. its nice though when they do last a long time. 
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October 28, 2003

Arnold is now a governor of one of our States here in America. And to make it even weirder, the Florida Marlins beat the New York Yankees in the World Series [the world series???? Isn’t it only American baseball teams that actually participate in the world series? What “world” are they referring to exactly?]. Forest fires are burning through California destroying thousands of homes. And in other news—this is just so hard—almost impossible to believe: 
Report Says Iraq Contracts Reek of Cronyism
 October 03, 04:14 PM ET

By Sue Pleming 

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Many of the U.S. firms doing billions of dollars of work in Iraq and Afghanistan have been big donors to President Bush and his Republican Party and fill their boards with political and military heavyweights, a report on Thursday said. More… 
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October 27, 2003

God I just watched the most haunting thing.
What?
Remember when those terrorists from Chechnya took prisoner of all those people in that Russian theatre?
Yes it was awesome. 
Awesome you say?! You’re taking cruelty to a new level Fishy! Are you a madman?!
Yes, perhaps, but they aren’t terrorists. They’re people just like you and me, trying to defend themselves against another country who has taken over their country and who has been stealing from them for hundreds of years. It’s unfortunate what they did but maybe it was the only way… I don’t know… fight fire with fire they say…
Well yeah they were interviewing all these Russians and they were saying the same thing actually. they say they hate them for killing their families, but they understand why they are doing it. it was really disturbing. 
Well how else are they going to get their country back?
But don’t you see that its that attitude that you have that causes the violence to continue on and on? They interviewed the Russian women and they were saying they couldn’t believe that these were actually Chechen women doing this to them and killing all these people. Its just sad. 
Well that’s what I mean. They accomplished what they wanted to. they brought awareness to their cause. That’s what they were trying to do. so it worked. It sucks and its sad, but it worked. I’m playing devil’s advocate here a little, but c’mon, what if some big country did that to us here in America? we’d be doing the same thing till we got control of our country back. we’d do whatever it takes…
Yea but now the Russian people hate the Chechen people even more. and now they’re just going to retaliate.  
Well that’s because they don’t get it yet and they are stupid barbarians. 
You’re nice man. Real nice…
Well its true. More and more people will die. But I bet you that now there’s a few more Russian people that will wake up to what’s going on there. dude when that first happened I was just as horrified as everyone else, so I sat down with a big tall cup of coffee and researched it. I started studying the history of Chechnya and the Russian invasion in the encyclopedias and two hours later I understood what was going on. Its just that the media is forced to lie to us, not just in Russia but here too. The truth is there, you just have to look it up in the encyclopedia, so I’m not saying it’s a total cover up, but you’re not going to hear the truth on the news. I don’t know what America has to gain from covering it up but its just total imperialist bullshit. They call these people terrorists and “rebels” on the news and in the papers. They’re not rebels. They’re people just like you and me trying to defend themselves form invaders just like we would if it happened here.
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October 26, 2003

You know how sometimes you are really behind in your work, you just have so much you are in the middle of and then someone says c’mon lets go out tonight or come hang out in the Hamptons or whatever for the weekend, and there is this real temptation to go for it. people will tell you, live a little, or all work and no play makes jack a dull boy, or you have to learn to relax, there’s so many. We hear them all the time. and man that’s true. You have to learn, I have to learn, to balance having a good life with achieving your goals. But this morning I was thinking about all the work that I am in the middle of right now. sometimes you can be made to feel guilty for not being as social as others may want you to be. but in the end it is going to make a real difference. Even now at this age we see the differences. And we’re still young. Between the people who go out every weekend and drink and party and all that and the ones who are more focused on some driving passion. and I believe that although I am not yet of the age to know this for sure but I bet that in ten or twenty years when people are in their forties and fifties I think the differences are going to be even more pronounced. And its going to be a difference in quality of life and in access to goods and services. There are people who are just totally passionate and driven. And then beyond that there are people who are almost mad in their ambition. They are beyond passionate. I’m somewhere around there. I’m not saying that one way is better than another. It’s a big world and different strokes for different folks. But what I am saying is that I don’t think you have to feel guilty if sometimes you just have to stay really focused on working and you can’t go out or hang out with your friends for a while. Just until you build things up to get to where you want to be. Some people are aiming high. 
Sometimes I have to remind myself of this. Especially times like now, when I am working seven days a week, with no breaks, not even taking time for the basics like going to the gym. Beaver is doing the same thing. Working six days a week, sixty hour weeks and going to college at night. crazy. the kid is out of his mind. But we know. when we know, we know. you know what you want. [we watched mom do the same thing. A single mom in her early twenties raising two sons by herself. Dirt poor just starting off. And by the time me and Beaver were teenagers she was insanely wealthy. She had achieved the American dream before she hit 35, all on her own. through her own brains and hard work. How she lost that money is another story and can best be summed by four very important words: always get a pre-nup. That was mom’s big lesson. Lets hope me and Beav don’t make the same one.] I have a lot of friends who don’t even own houses or anything and they are always complaining about their money situation. But then come the weekend they take the whole time off and go out and drink and hang out with their friends. And I always think, this person deserves to be where they are. that is why they are where they are. no one is going to hold your hand and kick your ass into working double time. You either want to do it or you don’t. But if you don’t do it, don’t envy your buddy’s Porsche or mansion. Cause you are where you are because of how you live each day. you see these chicks from the hood working at the drive through sometimes, or wherever. And then you find out they’re driving twenty thirty minutes to get there because they make more money there than they do in their own hood and they’re going to school at night on top of it. And I drive away so impressed and inspired by that person. you want to send them a little magic dust, like whisper a prayer for them. cause you know in ten years they are going to be in a much different place than someone else their age who instead sat and complained about being born in the hood and how hard it is and how you can’t get out. And that takes some balls and some courage and some strength and some self discipline. And a good dose of luck doesn’t hurt either.  
Last screening: kissing Jessica stein. What a fun movie. 
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