So yes I’m watching this guy and we’re talking. and he’s holding that picnic basket like he’s little red riding hood. I notice up close for the first time in a while that gay mean speak differently. You can tell they are gay, or at least have a proclivity towards it, just from the way that they speak. Also from their hand gestures and the way they walk. and often from the way they stand and the looks they make with their faces. Gay men are notorious for that bitchy ‘don’t bother me, I’m hot, this service sucks, and I’m tired’ look on their face, whereas straight men are more known for their ‘yo what’s up ladies, God its fucking hot, dude you think that chick was looking at me?’ look on their faces. I love gay men because you get all that wonderful inspiring feminine energy without all the games. Not that gay men don’t play games; from what I hear, they’re the worst. But I’m not attracted to them in the least so I could give a shit about their games. If a gay guy starts playing games with you, and you’re straight, you just tell him to fuck off. Now if a woman starts playing games with you, and you’re straight, forget about it, you’re in trouble. Next thing you know, you’re rolled up in the fetal position, or you’re questioning the very meaning of life itself, or you end up in prison or something. Women can snare us into any number of games just from looking at us in a weird way.

Pause for a commercial break…

[this reminds me of this one Avatar course I was on in the deep north woods. There were about a thousand Wizards that had gathered for ten days to process and create the world a better place. at one point about five days into it, two of my closest straight friends were in huge creations about being gay; all of a sudden they just decided that they “might be gay” and it was something they needed to really look into. the king approaches me in an emotional panic… “your majesty, what is troubling you good sir?” I asked. “Good ambassador…” he paused, “Dude,” “yes?” “Dude I need to talk to you. for real. Without the code names…” “Without the code names?” I exclaimed, “O.k. I will try. you are upset aren’t you?” “Dude hear me out. I think I’m gay…” “What man?! Whatchou talkin’ ‘bout Willis?!” “Dude I’m serious. I’ve thought a lot about it and I think I might be gay… you think that’s weird?” “No dude. I think its normal. But if you want to fuck me up the bum I’m going to think that’s weird.” “Dude. I’m serious. I really need to explore this…” “Fine. How can I help?” “I don’t know. I just need time to explore this and really see what’s up for me…” “O.k. fine but this doesn’t mean that you’re going to have butt sex with the Court Jester; because that’s really gross… I hear he’s thinking he’s gay also. I don’t know what got into you guys…” [for the record, since its asked so much, this is how I officially got the name the Ambassador. There’s a big group of us who live all over the world and we call ourselves ‘the tribe.’ We get together whenever we can, usually through Avatar courses or some other feel-good, new-age function. One year we all got together to walk on hot coals with Anthony Robbins. Things like that. Anyway, we all have these codenames. There’s the King. He’s how we all know each other. Through him. So that’s why we call him the King. There’s the Queen, his wife of course. There’s his Mistress. A long story. The Mayor. The Court jester. The Bard. The Spy. Etc. I’ve always been the social coordinator of our group, go figure, and so I was endowed with the codename of the Ambassador. So that should put a final end to that question.]  Anyway, so the king continued: “I just need to feel into this more bro…” “Dude feel into this… look over at Serena there…” I pointed to Serena who was standing in the corner talking to someone… “ she was wearing a tight fitting flowered skirt. “Now dude, look at Serena’s ass. tell me when you see it. when you really see it.” “I see it.” “Now dude. What are you thinking while you’re looking at her ass?” He laughs sheepishly… “I’m thinking how her ass would look naked or in her panties.” I smiled. “anything else?” “Yeah. I’m thinking about bending her over and doing her..” “Damn right you are bro. as well you should. Who wouldn’t be? you see? You’re not gay.” “How do you know?” “Dude. I roomed with three gay guys in college for a year. me and three gay guys for a whole year. trust me. you’re not gay. Gay guys don’t think about bending over and doing every girl they see. We do. Trust me. you’re not gay.” We high-fived and that was that.]

And now return to our regularly scheduled program