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Exploring Other Dimensions

April 3, 2014

Try to picture this in your mind’s eye…. Yesterday was my weekly mentoring session with this new little guy for his Lenten Confirmation — he’s 15 years old; I’ve never mentored anyone during their Catechism classes on the way to Confirmation; it was a fairly challenging proposition for me at first; but so far it’s been pretty easy and dare I say rewarding for both of us; (more on this in another post…) So while in the car and driving, I noticed someone on a bicycle on the sidewalk to my right. There was a red light up ahead, so I slowed down and eventually came to a stop. The bicyclist zoomed ahead of all of us who were in cars. I was listening to NPR in the car. So within seconds I completely forgot about the person on the bicycle. Instead focusing on what I was hearing on the radio. A few minutes later the light turned greed and those of us in cars started accelerating again. Within a minute or two I noticed myself whizzing past this guy on a bicycle again. Like whoosh! One minute he whizzed past us and was ahead of us and in the next minute he appeared to be traveling in slow motion as we sped past him so fast. Pretty soon he was completely out of site. And soon after out of mind.

The event made me contemplate for a moment there… how quickly he seemed to be traveling when we in cars were stopped… and yet how slow he seemed to be traveling when we whizzed past him; it was as if he weren’t even moving. He literally seemed to be stationary due to how much faster cars travel compared to someone on a bicycle. It made me consider for a moment how subjective “speed of travel” is, depending on how we are traveling. When we’re walking we do FEEL like we are moving, like we are making forward progress. We start off in one place and eventually end up in another place. So too when we are on a bicycle. It’s only when someone on a bicycle passes us while we’re walking do we realize how slowly we are traveling. And the same goes for being in a car versus being on a bicycle. On that bicycle we really feel like we’re getting somewhere. Depending on how fast we are going, we even feel the speed at which we are traveling… the resistance of the wind against our face and body. And yet as we glance at the cars whizzing past us we can tend to feel like for a moment that we are crawling… just barely moving.

Each mode of transport is a little world unto itself. Often times we don’t even notice the other people in the other worlds. When we’re walking — like say down a street or avenue in Manhattan — we notice things. Lots of things. Things on the ground. Stores and restaurants to our right and left. Other people walking. Even what other people are wearing. But we don’t tend to notice the people in the world of bicyclers. We may catch a glimpse of them as they whiz by us for a moment, but they’re going to fast for us to notice much about that world that they’re presently in. So it goes when we are driving in a car. We might never even notice all the people on the streets and sidewalks who are walking. They’re moving too slowly. And we’re too preoccupied with everyone else who is driving along the road with us. It all depends on where our attention is. And if you’re doing something, anything, it’s best if THAT is where your attention is. That’s a given. It wouldn’t be safe to be driving in a car and place the majority of your attention on the world of the people who are walking.

I found this line of thinking, heading down this path of thought, to be an interesting metaphor for exploring other dimensions. We currently take for granted that the universe that we live in has at least three dimensions. up and down, side to side, front to back — to simplify it. Some people claim that “time” is another dimension. To me that’s semantics. Not necessarily essential or relevant to the subject. Yet the existence of a fourth dimension has been pondered for eons. And not just a fourth, but many many more besides just the three that we presently are pretty positive exist. The reason we are so sure that at least three dimensions exist is because we can see them. We live in them. It doesn’t take a high IQ or a degree in rocket science to verify that there are at least three dimensions in the known universe. But many people doubt the existence of additional dimensions besides these three that we can see.

It was about 20 years ago when I first learned of all the science that was being collected about the so-called fourth dimension. There are tens of thousands of books on the subject. For younger folks, books are like the internet printed out on paper. One assumes Googling the phrase “the fourth dimension” will reveal tens of thousands of websites on the subject. Explaining the idea of it from a scientific viewpoint was easier than I expected. It took a few reads and some contemplation, but after a while I could begin to envision what the fourth dimension was like. The key to it is to realize that it is neither above or below us, neither in ahead or behind us; instead it is just “larger” than us, so to speak. As in we are INSIDE of the fourth dimension, but unable to see it because we are trapped inside of the third dimension and thus limited by the confines and constraints of only being able to see third dimensional reality. But that doesn’t imply that we are not INSIDE the fourth dimension.

Proponents of such theories go on to propose that there may be other beings, like us, unlike us, we really don’t know… who live in the fourth dimension. Living in the fourth dimension presumes that they automatically therefore also live in the third dimension. Just as we automatically also live in the second and first dimensions. Thus these beings in the fourth dimension can see us, but we cannot see them. This immediately helps to justify the idea of angels and spirits — beings who are something else besides “human” and live “somewhere else” or in “another world”. Some people don’t quite understand that no one is saying that angels or spirits live in THIS dimension but just in a “place” that we haven’t yet discovered yet. Let’s face it. We’ve explored this world extensively. And sure, those who have studied astronomy understand that there is still plenty of space in the universe that exists out there that we just haven’t been able to see yet or even detect because it is just so far away from us that light being emitted from it hasn’t even reached us yet. That makes sense. And indeed there may be places WAY out there that contain other forms of life. In fact I’d offer that it’s a given. There are probably an infinite number of life forms somewhere out there in THIS dimension, but they’re just really far away.

But what about beings who may live really close to us — in terms of distance — but just not in THIS dimension, and THAT is what makes it impossible for us to see them? Perhaps they can see us. But we just can’t see them. If angels and / or spirits (as in the souls of those who were once human but no longer possess a physical body) exist, there’s a good chance that they don’t live a million billion miles away from HERE, but rather just live in a different dimension, a higher dimension if you will, or a larger dimension better put. (Higher implies height. As in two dimensions. The old fashioned way of looking at ideas such as “heaven”. But we now know there really is no such thing as up and down in this world. It’s more like the universe is infinitely high and infinitely low, seemingly going on forever in any direction. Pointing up may indeed get you “somewhere”, but only to a certain extent. After that, say once past the atmosphere of earth and the orbit zone and then you’re not really pointing “up” anymore; you’re pointing “out”. That’s an important distinction.) If there is a heaven, it’s probably not “out there” somewhere. It’s probably right HERE, but just in a larger dimension, one that we can’t readily see or measure.

In order to mathematically proof Super String Theory to be a valid explanation of how the universe works, scientists had to add more dimensions to the known universe than the three that we presently know about. Some used ten, others came up with eleven, and from what I understand still others came up with twelve dimensions that had to exist in the universe in order to create equations that proofed out in order to make Super String Theory a valid idea. If one is unfamiliar with the concept, I would encourage you to Google it and study it. It basically just breaks down the atomic world into an even smaller world where matter is not composed of matter as much as it is composed of energy that exists INSIDE of atomic matter. The energy waves inside of atoms are represented by wavering strings… They aren’t really strings at all, but vibrating energies. But if we were to view and measure them with machines, the energy they emit would appear like vibrating strings. Hence the name. Many scientists now hold the Super String Theory to be a valid one and take it for granted as a viable explanation of how the universe works and what it is composed of. It’s wild stuff.

But even more interesting is this new idea that there invariably must be at least seven to nine other dimensions in the universe — all around us — besides the three that we’re accustomed to believing exist. To me the proposition makes perfect sense. It opens up the potential for all these other seemingly mythical ideas that humanity has come up with through the millennia to be possibly true; things like heaven or the spirit world, or the angelic realm, or the world of entities. We no longer can dismiss these ideas as being mere fairy tales because “we know there is no place in the universe where these other worlds can be”… Now we know that they might not be HERE and just “really far away” (which seems rather preposterous), but they might be HERE but just in larger or smaller dimensions that we can’t yet see.

The exploration of this subject reminds me of the difference between being in the world of the walking versus the world of the driving. Sometimes totally unaware of each other except mildly and through our periphery vision… Our awareness and our attention on totally different things, different smells and sights and sensations. Both existing simultaneously side by side, but both just busy doing their own thing. Only bumping into each other on occasion — such as when a pedestrian (someone in the world of walking) walks into the street when he isn’t supposed to and get’s hit by a car; or when a car veers off the road accidentally and onto a sidewalk. Perhaps this is precisely what happens when someone claims to see a spirit or an angel in this world. WE immediately think they’re out of their mind. But…

This might also explain the world of mystics and psychics and mediums who claim to be able to see the future or speak with other beings or life forms on “the other side”. What we sometimes call “astral traveling”… We’ve certainly collected enough data to believe that such things are possible. Edgar Cayce, Ruth Montgomery and John Edward are all great examples of this. Their penchant for being accurate too often to believe they are lying or have some trick up their sleeves. Perhaps there are ways to tap into our Intuitive Mode of consciousness and transcend being trapped only within the confines of this dimension and make our way into other dimensions where these other beings exist. In fact one would have to assume that’s exactly what is happening. Take them at their word. Communicating with beings who exist in other dimensions besides the third… Beings who can see and hear us, but we can’t see or hear them.

I believe it is only a matter of time before we are able to confirm this scientifically. For most people, this is what is needed for them to believe something. Scientific proof. Think about how long it took humanity to believe that the earth revolved around the so-called “sun” and not vice versa. But in the meantime, I don’t believe that we need scientific proof before we begin exploring this matter more and beginning to practice trying to do it. Like everything else, it’s most likely something that we just need to start practicing on a regular basis in order to begin to get proficient at it. We just need to commit and then allocate a set amount of time to it and begin. When you think about it, isn’t that what we are doing when we pray? Attempting to communicate with someone/something from another dimension…? So in fact many people are already doing this already. Maybe just haven’t ever thought about it in that respect before.

I will begin to view prayer in this light, and further start practicing this communication with and exploration of other dimensions… Will share what I discover here from time to time when there is something to share. More later.

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What the Mayans Are Saying Today About 2012

December 1, 2012

Yes there are still Mayans living and breathing among us. And Mayan elders too. Most of us have heard by now that “ancient Mayan calendars predict that the world will end on December 21st 2012″. That’s not too far off now. In fact it’s right around the corner. Perhaps we should think twice before we bother heading out to buy this year’s Christmas tree.

I’ve come to trust my intuition now as much as my ability to eat or breathe. The proper term in the paranormal science community for what I’m specifically referring to here in relation to being able to feel or know something ahead of time is called precognition; but I prefer the word intuition because as a quasi sixth sense that all of us are born with, intuition can readily account for more than just precognition. It can also serve to refer to an all encompassing sense that implies all the other so called paranormal abilities scientists have observed in sentient beings: telepathy (or mind reading), clairvoyance, ESP, psychicism, remote viewing, etc. along with precognition (or future telling to be precise). One day science will discover the biological (and perhaps cosmological) mechanisms behind these heretofore labeled “paranormal” abilities of humankind and, as with all things science dissects to the point of discovery, everyone will eventually take these abilities for granted as natural extensions of our innate potential and realize that there is nothing “paranormal” about them at all.

[For reference: though there are literally thousands of scientific studies and clinical trials being conducted all over the world on a daily basis by psychologists studying the paranormal and these abilities, it’s the physicists who have made the most progress in our endeavor to learn just how and why they function — thus the cosmological cause mentioned above. In a nutshell these mysterious abilities observed in millions of people throughout recorded history are easily possible based on a combination of several radically new theories and discoveries like super string theory — the idea that all matter is actually sub-atomically comprised of energy, not matter, and the fact that space is not empty as believed before but in itself is actually a form of matter. As in: if the stuff of you and me is made up of the same stuff that makes up what we now see as empty space then we are not separate from anyone or anything, even if hundreds of miles away. Throw in quantum entanglement theory, and then the fact that thoughts travel faster than the speed of light — combined with relativity theory, and before you know it it becomes almost obvious that all of these so called paranormal abilities of humankind are not only plausible but should be readily available to any and every one who lives and breathes on planet earth or anywhere else in the universe.]

OK then so where were we… Oh right, intuition and the end of the world. We now have a sound reference point for what one might mean when using the term intuition. Which is important in this context, speaking of what we might expect in the coming weeks leading up to the proposed end of the world. I believe that as a whole we as a species can feel the general vibration of our present moment, whether it is calm or tense for example — just as a pack of antelope can feel when there is a predator nearby, and just beyond the present moment as well. How far ‘past’ the present moment — or into the future — one can feel or see we can say is a measure of how advanced their sense of intuition is. Collectively this sense is heightened, compared to any one being; this is an idea that science has proved through the study of pack theory, flocks of birds or schools of fish, etc.

This is an important point to consider, because as a collective species for all our recent obsessing with the end of the world, the end of days, the rapture, doomsday predictions, preppers, etc. there is still a sense that most of humanity does not really believe that our world and our lives on planet earth are going to end any time soon. Intuitively I sincerely do not believe it myself. And I’ve spent a considerable amount of time feeling into it. But for the life of me i just do not have a sense that anything earth shattering (forgive the pun) will transpire on December 21st of this year. And for all the hype and money being made exploiting society’s recent obsession with the subject I get the sense that most people feel the same way.

There is certainly cause for alarm; social and political unrest all over the globe, climate changes that have created a new more dangerous normal in the earth’s weather patterns. But one could easily point to any number of other moments in recorded history where conditions on earth were much more intense and severe. Take the plague as just one instance.

One thing that has always puzzled me about the whole Mayan calendar prediction of the end of the world theory is that the idea is always being proposed by non-Mayans, pseudo scientists and new age preacher profiteer types. Since direct descendants of the Mayan people still exist, why not ask some of them what they think rather than some white guy living in a bunker in the middle of nowhereville Nebraska who happens to run an end of the world website? In the article below, that’s precisely what someone did. The results unfortunately for those who have already packed their bags for the afterlife are not supportive of this en of the world theory. But they are still interesting. Hence my posting the link below.

One note about what these “elders” speak of that will help: they are not scientists. And based on the tone and tenor of their ideas it is apparent that they are probably not up on the latest discoveries of modern Western science. When they speak of “ether” or spirit it may be tempting to dismiss their whole ideology as a bunch of old fashioned pseudo-spiritual mumbo-jumbo. But before we do we must remind ourselves that our current science supports what they are speaking about. We just happen to use different words and terminology. We’ve already discussed that we now believe that the space around us is not actually empty nor made of nothing as it appears. This is a huge discovery, bigger in scope and implication than can be explored here. There are also the recent discoveries of dark matter and anti-matter to contend with. Again, very mathematically and scientifically real phenomena and equally mind boggling and impactfull in their implications. With these ideas in mind the article below takes on a more relevant and viable nature. The key to getting the most out of it is to apply modern science to the ideas being presented; to recognize that the WAY they are saying things may not sound very scientifically rational or plausible, but that doesn’t make it not so. It just makes it a set of ideas presented in a more simple, child like or primitive non-scientific format that could be better understood and believed by Westerners, and easily verified by scientific facts, if transposed into modern scientific jargon. Perhaps not all of it. Not every sentence. But a good portion of it. Try reading the general ideas through a more scientific filter in real time as you read it.

Of course no one has a monopoly on “what’s going to happen next” in the world. If we ever met someone who did we’d quickly call them God and kill them I suspect. So the study and exploration continues. And hopefully, if intuition serves, we all have plenty of time left for that.

What Do the Mayans Say About The End of the World Today:

http://www.seri-worldwide.org/id435.html

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A Premonition

September 6, 2012

I’m only going to say this once. And I hesitate to do so. But I dare not NOT say it. Just in case. In fact maybe just by letting it out, we can somehow avoid it. I’m telling you, others, because I don’t want Princess Little Tree to be the only I tell. For she’s usually the only one I share most of these things with… It’s too big a burden for her to carry, both now and if it ever transpires, which we hope and pray it never does. The biggest problem there is that I have honed my intuition so keenly at this point that when I do get a hit and it’s so strong that I feel compelled to share it, it almost never doesn’t happen. From the smallest of things to the biggest, from the most minute and insubstantial to deeply profound and transformational events, I have developed (or better put discovered and then developed) an intuitive ability so strong that as long as I stay open I can “see” (or “hear” as the case often is) nearly everything that happens to or around us on a 24/7 basis. Whether awake or when sleeping. No it’s not necessarily a great thing. It is often fun, true. But it is also equally disturbing at times. Such was the case today. Just now in fact.
It went something like this. A few minutes ago, when I was watching a replay of President Clinton’s speech from last night on Politco and the camera flashed to Michelle, I had a premonition. I feel reluctant to say anything further regarding what it was about. I think it’s obvious to those that can FEEL beyond themselves. Our president. Something not good. Something completely and utterly horrible. An attempt on his life by someone or some force that is lost in pain, bitterness and wickedness. There is a hatred in the air against president Barack Obama that we have never seen in our lifetimes… Why I don’t know… It can’t JUST be about his “class warfare” political agenda, though I am sure that is contributing to it. But there must be more to it than that… There’s just something that certain people do not like about this man. And for the life of me I cannot see why, for I personally find him to be one of the most noble of any American president or elected leader we’ve ever had. But plenty of people just don’t agree with this assertion.
We must not forget the Gaby Giffords incident just two years ago… This evening we watched her do her best to walk out onto the stage at the Democratic National Convention and struggle to recite the American Pledge of Allegiance. Something I am sure she could have done in her sleep before the tragedy that befell her. An attack on her life and the lives of others for no other reason than the fact that they were Democrats. This is a strange phenomenon, this rage and hatred that is running through the veins of so many who label themselves Republican lately. Personally I couldn’t imagine hating anyone enough to want to kill them, or even hurt them. But there is a hate brewing in the heart of some of our brothers and sisters that is sinister now, something that is hard to explain or understand. The reasons not completely apparent except for the most obvious…
The feeling that I get from them sounds something like this: once was one thing… and once was enough. They’ve put up with it and done their best to be patient and “endure” it. But to some of them, the ones whose hearts are bursting with painful rage and a racist streak so strong that they feel they’re going to burst, they just don’t feel like they can handle another four years with “that man” as our president. It’s more than just not feeling aligned with the politics of a party that you don’t agree with. It’s a deep seated dislike of the man himself, not for his politics, but for who he is and what he represents. The “dream fulfilled” that so many of us have celebrated since the election of Barack Obama is not part of their American Dream. And it makes them seethe. Unfortunately sometimes some people cannot control this rage. They do things that most of us would never even dare imagine in our own minds, let alone consider taking action on. We’ve seen it before. It is always shocking.
Now, before we get crazy about this (because my premonitions have a very high rate of return), let me also tell you this: as I sat quietly here and listened to what else my intuition was saying just afterwards, for I did feel a strong need to listen more to see if there was anything else there… it sounded something like this: “Yes, you are right. It is in the air. You are right to have picked up on it. They will try. But they will not be successful. Do your best to stop vibrating it, lest you have a hand in creating it non-deliberatly; even though you picked up on it in consciousness, it doesn’t mean that it MUST happen. In fact, like all things, it is still just an idea, up in the air, up for the taking, not yet happened and not necessarily an inevitability… Things can change. Yes it’s there… but let it go.”
So. There it is. Now you know. Just in case. Like I said, honing our inherent God given ability of Seeing is not always a good time. Sometimes it can be downright shocking, frightening and upsetting. But I do truly believe that it is better to voice the visions when we do hear or see them in our intuitive mode of consciousness. Letting it out. Freeing it so as not to hold it in with resistance, which almost always leads to its persistence. Let us hope that this letting it out is enough.

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Quantum Theory May Help Explain ESP

June 10, 2012

Still trying to understand this mysterious psychic ability I discovered possessing since I was a child. For the last few years I’ve been referring to it as just advanced intuition. Or an evolved or heightened ability to tap into the intuitive mode of consciousness. Rather than calling it esp or psychic ability. When discussing it i usually make the mistake of saying something like “this voice then said…” referring to these voices in my head that i hear. Which can get you into trouble. The truth of it though is that i don’t usially hear an actual voice, not like an audible voice like we hear with our ears for instance. Its more like thoughts that i hear. Sentenced. Ideas. Sometimes just a yes or a no. But usually more like a whole sentence or a few of them. Basically ideas, or messages.

The simplest way of describing it is to say i hear things in my head — or sometimes just get a knowing without words at all (that’s even harder to explain…) that speak about something that is going to happen in the future. Or something in the present that is happening but is not being revealed in the material world. Or something that has happened in the past that I would have no way of knowing. Sometimes it’s a strong voice. As in it’s message is loud and clear. With words and everything. I can often ask questions of it to gain mor clarity or understanding of what it’s talking about or just to confirm that what Ive translated as hearing is correct. And most of the time it answers back. Other times it’s more subtle. Like just a message without words. It’s a clear message, such as “the thought you had was correct. Go down that path. Do it fast. Do not forget…” something like that. A valid message but not with words as much as just a thought or feeling. It’s happened to me thousands of times now. And I can usually count on it happening at least a few times per day. The only problem is that I cannot as of yet control when it happens and when it doesn’t. It just seems to be on auto-pilot. It comes and goes on its own accord.

Since I’ve written about this here before, or st least in other places, the purpose of this post is not to explain it an all of the different aspects of it or instances of it. But more just to make note that I’ve just recently discovered a new phenomenon in quantum theory that physicists have discovered. They call it Quantum Entanglement.

Quantum Entanglement. The ability for two atomic particles to be connected thru a force still unknown and once connected — even if by hundreds of light years away from each other they do the exact same thing.

Heart Math is also helping to explain the heretofore so called “phenomenon”. Through electrodes in live cultures (like bacteria) or live human beings and other animals they are showing through electric meter readings that simply being in close proximity to another life form (like the aforementioned examples) a person’s feelings have a direct effect on that life form. …. …. It’s fascinating clinical data that proves that life of any kind has the ability to both transmit and receive emotional signals and to be affected by them. It is as if as one scientist commented that all of us, all life forms in fact, are both a satellite transmitor AND a television reciever, sending and receiving emotional signals from ourselves and to others, signlas that can now be picked up by, monitored and measured through using electricity.

This sheds much light on what we have been labeling as “supernatural or paranormal” for thousands of years. My prediction is that with these new scientific studies it will not be long before we take our own innate psychic abilities for granted, as fact and not science fiction or religious hokey pokey, just as we now do with our understanding of other previously considered “magical” aspects of reality such as electricity.

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article 2019-04-29 124620_16.html

August 12, 2003

Tonight I left the Internet café at 10:45 for my hotel which is about a five minute drive away. I got to my hotel at 1:00 AM. Two hours of just driving around totally lost in this God forsaken crazy fucking city.

Mom called tonight while I was lost. About midnight. On my cell phone. Seriously. I’m on a motorcycle miles and miles from my hotel, totally lost at one o’clock in the morning on some desolate street in Rome. And I’m having a fucking nervous breakdown. And my cell phone rings and its my mom calling from America. Thank God for this miracle. This is what I mean by angels or spirits that help us out. “Honey are you sleeping? I just had a feeling I should call you…” “No I’m not sleeping mom.” “wahts wrong with you? You sound upset honey.” “I’m fucking lost. I have no idea where I am and I’ve been driving for two hours.” “Honey why are you always lost? Everytime I talk to you, you are lost. Even in Miami…” “I don’t know. I just don’t like driving. I hate driving. Its so boring. I can’t believe I don’t have someone to drive me around everywhere all the time….” “Well you don’t right now. so you are going to have to discreate this belief of yours that you can’t drive and that you get lost all the time. you can’t go around your whole life getting lost.” “Mom. I know that. fuck. God. I am just so fucking lost. I hate this.” “Well don’t you see any police men you can ask for directions?” “mom this is Rome. Its one o’clock in the morning. There are no police officers. The streets are empty. I’m going to have to sleep in the street here. I’m just going to lie and down and sleep. And get run over in the morning.” “Fishy you’re so dramatic. Now c’mon pick yourself up and go find someone to ask for directions.” “I hate asking people for directions.” “Well you may want to discreate that too. then maybe you wouldn’t be getting lsot so much. Now c’mon, don’t make me worry like this. go find someone to help you and I will stay on the phone…” I was literally on the verge of total panic being lost for almost two hours at that point. When she called I was just sitting on my bike on a corner pissed off, not knowing where I was. I could not find my way home. I was miles and miles from my hotel, even though where I started from was only a few blocks away. and here my mom calls… things like this…. just make you believe….

Rome sucks in this respect. Their streets aren’t marked. Their highways aren’t marked. They seriously don’t have highway or street signs like we do in the states. Every now and then you will see a tiny sign on a the side of a building to tell you what street you are on but not often. You can get to an intersection in this town and look at all four corners and not see one sign to indicate where you are. Half the time I throw my hands up in the air and scream. Can you just give me one fucking sign per intersection?! That would be a good start to join the rest of civilization people. the other thing is the way they have it mapped out here where every street is a one way. so you may want to go five yards ahead of you but you cannot because the street won’t let you. so you have to go around. And then around and then around and on and on. One minute you are driving one direction on a street and the next minute the street has big do not enter signs on it even though you are driving that direction. The street just literally dead ends into another street that is headed in the opposite direction. All of this with almost no stop lights. So you have to turn off the street you are on and turn onto some other street. But of course they don’t have any signs on that street so you don’t know where you just turned onto and then all the streets might be one way for two or three streets in a row so by the time you make the turn you think you need to you could be in an entirely different neighborhood and of course you are totally lost. They have highways that come out of nowhere with no exits for miles. So you get stuck on these highways and you end up all the way across town. Two hours of this. maddening. I felt as though I was going crazy. I have never seen city streets so completely without order or sense or logic. And I’m comparing this city to Sao Paulo or Rio or New York. Much bigger cities. But at least in Sao Paulo the streets make sense. (of course the people there drive worse than any city in the world—so at least give Rome this much—they drive better here) Here it is just tons of curves and twists and turns everywhere. Next time I am just going to drive the wrong way down the one way if I have to. Again, if you are here to be a tourist and walk around just in the historic center and see the sites, it is very romantic and beautiful, and more than that, it is very interesting. After all it is Rome. But if you are here to live and work and drive around like in any other city it is a little confusing at first. I have been assured that I will get used to it. and also advised that most newcomers don’t start out by renting a motorbike their first week. they usually learn the city first. So I know that this is some of my own doing.

All of this could be due to the general stress I am experiencing now. Sometimes I think I am becoming malnourished from living here. I don’t get enough vegetables, that’s for sure. All I eat is pizza and pasta and cheese and tomatoes. I think that’s all they have. A major transition obviously, and often times they are difficult for us—these ‘what now?’ moments. I miss Cleo very much. I have never been on my own before. I have always had girlfriends. I have always had a staff to do everything, at least since my adult years. I am learning so much from being on my own and not being around her or having her call me ten times a day. I hate this actually. I find it very difficult to be without her to advise me what to do about things. I hate being away from her and I hate not having her to ask for advice. Having no girlfriend. No job. Not enough money from my music. When will we ever stop being a local band. If I fucking hear that again I’m going to punch the person in the face and break their nose. We’ve been working so hard for so long. No major record label. No big deal. I figure if you can’t make it on your own you have no business making it anyway. But it’s the no assistant right now that makes me feel totally lost—I just can’t handle it. and no income, barely a band because they are all so busy with a hundred other projects. It is just a complete start over for me. What am I doing riding around Europe on a motorbike attending a school every day to learn Italian? seriously what the fuck am I doing? Who the hell knows. Welcome to my world. Actually I think it is good. I think it helps me get much needed separation from Cleo and my house and the business and the staff and everything I had going there. I was floundering.

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November 13, 2002

You get to a point where you can sense when someone is lying. You can hear it in their voice. If you’re not listening for it or conscious of this ability you may never notice this. You may just be aware of something weird in the space when you are talking to them, and may not know what it is. But once you start to realize this phenomenon then you get really good at picking up on when someone just lied to you. It’s really amazing. They walk away or you walk away or maybe they are still talking and you are totally aware that they are lying. Or making stuff up. it’s like their line doesn’t get delivered fully. That’s what it feels like. You hear it but you don’t feel it. You feel something else instead of what they just said. Even if they are looking at you right in your eye—especially if they are looking at you right in your eyes, lol, if it feels a little weird then there is something there other than what is being said. Some kind of incongruence.

I am thinking of this because it has presented a big lesson for me over the last few weeks. My assistant recently quit. This isn’t the first time this has happened. From what I hear I am not the easiest person to work for. I have heard eccentric. I have heard just downright crazy. Some last for a week. Some last for a year or two. But normally when they leave, it is very clean. They sit down. We have a talk. They explain that they have to move on, or whatever, maybe shed a few tears and they give their two weeks notice and then over the next couple of weeks we sew everything up and find someone else and then usually the old one teaches the new one the ropes for a while and then moves on. Maybe they’ll call a few times a week to make sure everything is going smooth and be available for the new one to ask questions etc. That’s the way it normally goes in the world. But this wasn’t like that. She didn’t quit as much as just disappeared one day. One day she just left and didn’t come back. No call. No letter. No resignation. Just gone.

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