nyc marathon was in town and I was so moved by it. it was breathtaking and awe inspiring. New York is fucking amazing.

Still find myself obsessed with friends at times. this kind of manic paranoia that is not entirely clear to me. don’t take it seriously anymore. If I don’t give it much, but rather just observe it like oh isn’t that interesting it goes away. this was the substance of my thoughts tonight as I was walking home from the Stallions house. which is a whole other matter. Every time I see her I find myself more attracted to her. told her tonight I think its some kind of a molecular bond I have to her. can’t seem to shake it. which isn’t a good thing, because we already tried to go out for a while and just couldn’t get it to fit so perfect… there was always too much static between us. like we wanted to kill each other some times. I still love her though. And Juliet too. and a few others. crazy. but tonight we had this kind of celebratory realization that two years ago to this month we were both sitting in her apartment in Miami beach reading this reference guide to nyc and planning on coming here to live and now we live here. so we were happy in that. we did it. we fucking did it. 

But yes as I was coming home I was ruminating on this nagging friend feeling — feeling like I didn’t have enough friends, those type of feelings. Which is crazy because objectively I can honestly see that I have too many if anything, if that is possible. So this fear or resistance is something that is just there that is transparent that I am operating through non-deliberately. but still it comes through inside of me and I just find myself feeling sad or lonely every now and then, kind of like an Eeyor sort of woe is me feeling. Again, totally unwarranted, and unaware of the specific origin of the feelings. But very real nonetheless. And then Rockaway called and we talked for like an hour or two like two old housewives with nothing better to do as we always do and then it went away and I realized Its just something I need to explore and discreate. Not sure where it comes from, but I know that its only as real as I allow it to be. there is safety in that knowing. You move through it faster. Recognize that it isn’t me, its just a feeling. And more powerful than that, a feeling that I am creating.

Last screening: commanding heights: the battle for the world economy, volume one. Fascinating. Study of the conflict between Keynesian planned government socialism, and Hayek’s and Friedman’s more conservative capitalist de-regulated approach. Basically a 20th century economy lesson. Good stuff. I had no idea. You really begin to understand the role that governments have and can have in our lives. And you also understand the difference between America and many of the other countries around the world. we are lucky here for our capitalist society in many ways, because we are so free to make money. But we’re still fucked here in some ways because we don’t have things like universal health care and the rampant deregulation of our industry has now led to monopolies galore like in radio and in oil companies and in the music industry and newspaper business… and of course there is still very much a make it or don’t make it mentality here that other more civilized countries frown upon as barbaric, as our health care system is an example of, where you can have whole families without health care, or old people sitting at home dying in bed alone and no one even knows about it or does anything about it. And unless you work for some large company you’re forced to pay this ridiculous amount of money just to get covered and then you’re still not very well covered for your health. This is an example where some government control would help. After watching the debates rage throughout the century as to which system was better, because in many instances both had worked for America and for other countries alike, I believe we need a balance between the two, always fluctuating back and forth between rampant capitalism and subtle socialistic ideas in order to maintain the balance for the economy and the health and security of the people. I don’t see why it has to be one or the other.

Current spin: Janet Jackson, together again remix. I LOVE Janet.