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Tag: life of an artist

article 2019-04-29 124617_6.html

November 24, 2004
Great day. amazing dreams. I had the most amazing dreams last night, this morning. I didn’t want to wake up. felt like I was in heaven or something. They were all about love and romance and kisses and music. there were two girls with me all night in my dreams, really nice. one was more forward than the other. I couldn’t choose. I wanted to make them both happy…. I didn’t want to wake up! really really nice. I even dreamed about going to church and that was even great. It is amazing how dreams can do that to you. Dreamed of happiness, never ending happiness, family, a girlfriend, I had two girls kissing me, one who was softer more elegant and one who was more cool and rocker chick-like, I wanted the rocker one but she was less aggressive, U2 had a new tour called Realology. Which they don’t, so if I like the idea in a few days still, I’ll take it for us.

And then later in the evening on the bus I met this girl on the subway. Great energy. Out there. great smile. And we are talking on the subway across the aisle. And it was going great, and then out of the blue this lady says to us ‘could you please sit closer if you want to talk. I don’t want to hear all of your details…’ and we are like shocked by her behavior. And so then someone says ‘only in New York.’ and then this mad woman turns to me and says ‘I was born and raised in Miami you bastard!’ I was more than shocked. I was like, get me off this subway car before this woman pulls out a gun or something and goes postal on everyone. Everyone just sat there silent and looking at each other raising their eyebrows. Crazy. anyway, she proved my point about Miami. no manners. she was an animal. Anyway, off the train I dashed because we were at my stop and I didn’t want to ruffle the feathers of this crazy lady anymore and I never got the number to the girl. But I did give her our band name. so maybe she will read this one day and realize holy shit that guy wanted to get my number. O.k. if you ever read this, girl in the hat with the great teeth, EMAIL ME.

Chicks always think that because you are in a band you have no business being shy, because you get so many girls. And that is true. we get a lot of girls throwing themselves at you. but that’s a different scene. And a lot of times they aren’t the girls you want to take home to mom. You know. and that’s what sucks because the girls you do want to take home to mom don’t ever approach you because they already know what kind of girls throw themselves at singers in rock bands and they don’t want to have anything to do with it. so that sucks. So you never meet the kind of girls you want to. The truth is that on the street or the train, I am just shy as hell. I’m beyond shy. I’m like scared shitless when I’m talking to girls. I don’t know why. maybe I was traumatized by a girl when I was a kid or something. when I met Cleopatra it took me over a month to ask her out, and even then I didn’t really ask her out. I asked her to go help me find an animal my grandma thought she had in her garage. That was our first date. Low risk. In case she hated me. its like a curse I live with. Maybe all men do. constantly approached by women who are nice and all but that you don’t want, and scared shitless to even look girls in the eye that you do want. And then there’s the whole issue of saving yourself for a woman who you think is going to be good enough for you, but the whole time you’re worried that you’re not good enough for any woman who would be good enough for you. it’s a fucking nightmare.

But I can’t even ask girls for their number or any of that. this girl is shoving her hands in my face to smell her new hand cream and I’m still trying to pretend like I’m not interested so just in case she notices that I am interested she doesn’t like reject me or tell me to fuck off. Also I guess it’s the whole boyfriend thing. I hate that. when they have a boyfriend. then what? You’re like, oh well he’s a lucky guy, yuk yuk. And you slither away like some worm. I hate that. so I never approach girls or ask them out. I just wait for them to ask me out. Now I just ask to be put on the waiting list. Just here take my card anyway and add me to the waiting list if you guys ever break up. it could be two years ten years who knows. but just give me a ring and say hey remember me? I turned you down like ten years ago because I had a boyfriend. Well guess what? I’m free now. lets go out. and chances are, I’ll still be single because I’m so fucking shy.

Current spin; the new Jim Camacho album, stalker songs. Fucking great heartfelt acoustic music. this guy is on fire now and TMG is going to do everything we can to get him more out there. I love his talent. Extremely admire it.

Last screening: COMEDIAN, documentary about Gerry Seinfeld trying to make it in standup again. I would never be a standup. That is a brutal business.

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Uncategorized being shy, dreams, fear of rejection, flirting, Labels: being in a band, life of an artist, picking up women, rude people, transcendence diaries

article 2019-04-29 124617_23.html

November 6, 2004
Friends in town from Miami and all over the states and South America to run in the nyc marathon tomorrow. had a great experience where I met up with Luis downstairs on the street. He was in town from Venezuela, and was shopping and called me and asked me where I lived. I told him, and then he exclaimed, ‘I’m downstairs on your street!’ I was like ‘no way! o.k., I’ll be down in less than a minute.’ Crazy. so then he tells me that Ivonne this girl I dated about a year ago and a few friends were was also in town. and told me where she was eating in the west village. So I went there and pretended I just happened to be there and bumped into them… her face just dropped and she got all nervous was shocked and it was really funny. Then I told them the joke and we all laughed. Good times. so tomorrow I will go film them crossing the finish line. 26 miles. Wow.

Then off to the macanudo club for a smoke and a few drinks with Christopher and his girlfriend. Sinatra and Tony Bennet singing over the speakers over glasses of beer and port. Good times.

And then off to a debutante party for one of the secretaries of Mayor Bloomberg at some new hip club in the meat packing district. More Miami-vibe than I would have liked. You get to a certain class level, the level where they haven’t quite made it yet, but really want to make it or are close to making it or work for people who have made it… and its all posing and bullshit. no substantive conversation. A lot of tight asses and turned up noses. You hang with people who are already there and everyone is laidback and easy going and cool as a fucking cucumber. Because they aren’t worried about it anymore. So real things can get accomplished in that environment. Ideas generate and contacts are made. You can always tell someone who is still wanting it because all they do is ask you fucking questions about what you do or talk about what they do till you wake up ten minutes later realizing that you fell asleep midway during their diatribe and have dropped your drink and spilled it all over the floor. I’m usually good for about ten minutes in those scenes till I feel the world caving in around me and start feeling this nagging dread that if I don’t go actually do an actual something that I’ll be as big a loser as the rest of them. hence the arguably obsessive and unnatural workaholic ethic I so loyally abide by. Its past four am now and I’m still sitting here in the freezing cold madly typing away. I don’t know if you can call writing, the kind of off the cuff stream of consciousness writing that I do, “doing something,” but I find comfort in the practice of it nonetheless.

Its nothing against people. its just that you reach a certain point where you realize that you are where you are. And putting on a show is not going to help you get anywhere. The people we admire are that way because they are just fucking cool. and that doesn’t have half as much to do with your status in life as it has to do with how you feel about who you are and what you are doing. Rich or poor. I learned that the hard way over the years. be cool. stop worrying. just be cool.

Something I thought of last night just before sleep, that there is this major difference between the regular working class people of society and the artists and that is that the artists to a certain degree are not as focused on the monetary rewards of working as much as just getting off and creating art. Whereas the working people are more focused on the rewards and the materialistic gain that can be had from working rather than the work itself. A lot of people don’t even mind switching careers a bunch of times throughout their lives just to get to the top. Whereas the artists would never even consider that if it would spite or compromise their art. They’re just really focused on making their art and getting it out and they don’t even care if they are making money with it or not. I can easily relate to both sides of course. I mean, at a certain point you have to. unless you want to always be struggling. But still, the art is always going to come first, above all else.

Anyway, a busy fucking day and a busy crazy week. life here is much more difficult than living in other places where you drive. Everything here is twice as difficult as the rest of the country. New Yorkers just don’t know it because they are used to it. but it is. you get so worn out being on the subways and having to walk all day and night. by 7 you feel wiped out and ready to lie down for a while.

Current spin; Caetano Veloso. His first album. Self titled. Brilliant. one of the best albums of all time.

Last screening: THX 1138. this is the first George Lucas film he ever made. it is fucking amazing. an absolute MUST SEE. You see glimpses of what would come later in star wars six years later. this is just an amazing work of art. If you work in film or in sound or music this is a classic and you prob know it already but if you don’t, you will love it. it’s a library piece for sure.

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Uncategorized friends from out of town, Labels: Friends, life of an artist, living in new york, party, transcendence diaries, working class people

article 2019-04-29 124621_12.html

January 18, 2004
Went to dinner with Ducky who is down to hang with her parents for a few days. Caught up. talked all about all of our old friends from high school and what everyone is doing now. everyone is married with children now. hearing about all these people that you went to high school with and their marriages and children and divorces really made me appreciate how lucky I am that I hadn’t got married yet. I know I wasn’t supposed to feel that way. looking at all these pictures of people with their kids, on the boat or at Disney world or whatever. I think your supposed to feel really happy for them and like want that for your own life. but for me it just made me so happy that I’ve been able to live the crazy nomadic lifestyle I have over the years and very relieved that I don’t have all that yet.

Hadn’t seen her parents in like twenty years. Her mom is telling me I’ll never get married. Your just the perennial bachelor. You’ll be sixty and still think you’re in college. I plead with her no Mrs. Ducky its absolutely not true. I would love to get married. Maybe…. Hehe. I just haven’t met my wife yet… but if you see her, will you please let her know I’m looking for her and tell her to call me on my cell phone….’ she didn’t know if I was kidding or what. Just looked at me like oh my God this kid is still totally insane…

The older you get the more you really start to appreciate the friends you have. the really old long standing been there forever kind of brothers and sisters we collect through the years. its such a nice feeling. Hadn’t seen each other in years and there we were drinking and eating and joking; commented that we felt as if we had not spent any time a part at all. that’s what old friends feel like.
——————————————————————————————————————————
The whole time warp thing is still happening. I pull over on the side of the road all the time now to write on my laptop; I’m doing this thing where ever I am I just pull out my laptop or a pad or my guitar and I just start working. Take notes or work on a song. I’m on this date the other night and we’re at this gas station and I’m pumping gas but then I whipped out this pad and started taking notes and I forget that I’m pumping gas and there’s this girl in the passenger’s seat waiting for me. She gets out and says what the hell is happening? What are you doing? Oh you know just taking some notes here on the trunk. Sorry. It’s like a time warp.

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Uncategorized Labels: catching up with friends, life of a bachelor, life of an artist, living in an alternate universe, the adventures of Fishy, transcendence diaries

Restructuring

January 12, 2004
I allow myself the freedom to be the artist I have always known I could be. I want to open up more. Expand more. and allow more.

Restructuring:
I am processing now everyday in the early morning in the bathtub. It becomes a sanctuary. I focus on a primary and then I allow any and all secondaries to come up and then I discreate them. I have been doing it for about a month now. it has been amazing. it feels like restructuring. Wayne dyer calls it shifting paradigms. Yes. exactly. It is restructuring. I have realized that it is almost impossible to create a reality if there are numerous beliefs that oppose that reality. So the key is in the discreate. The key is not in trying to resist those beliefs or hide them or ignore them or avoid them or try to work around them or trying to use your will to create over them, etc…. all of that can work, and sometimes does. But what I’ve noticed is that you can get to this amazing state of clarity where beliefs that we do not prefer to have—realities that are being created automatically based on the beliefs that are creating them underneath—can be completely let go of, can just totally disappear, and you end up feeling so clean and clear and happy and light. It is truly unbelievable.

Maddie and Mohdie had their baby today. she had to have a c section, due to slight complications in labor. She labored for 48 hours or something crazy like that. I just talked to her. She promised to share the drugs she is on with me. She told me that there is nothing to compare the pain to. it was excruciating she says. Maybe only a really bad toothache in intensity, she says.

All of my ex-girlfriends are having babies. I want to have babies. Why? Why do we want to have children?

This is Maddie with her new baby. She is my best friend. When I look at her it as if I am looking at myself. Like she is my twin or something…

Many beautiful pix of Mohdie with the baby too, but if I post a pic of him he will kill me. he loves Tool. So he is scary…

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Uncategorized Labels: having a baby, life of an artist, restructuring, state of clarity, transcendence diaries, wanting children

A private little world for me… a private little world for you. The online journals and musings of singer-songwriter author and activist Ed Hale. The Transcendence Diaries have been posting regularly online since 2001. Comments are always welcomed. And so are YOU.

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