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Tag: looking for the one

article 2019-04-29 124623_21.html

October 6, 2004
Almost totally lost now. a complete stranger in a strange land here in South beach. Like a walking ghost in an alternate reality. Moved out of the apt. and now living out of a suitcase in a friends spare bedroom. But this isn’t even a spare bedroom. This is someone’s bedroom who happens to be out of town. sleeping in their bed amongst all of their things. Brought my own bed sheets of course. No car and no house. friends think I’m crazy but I am having fun. somehow really enjoying it right now. I feel so free and happy. Beaver asks me tonight when hearing of my plight, ‘dude do you ever get scared? Scared that it won’t work out and that you will end up with nothing?” “Dude, I almost have nothing now.” “yeah, but you know what I mean. You’re in someone else’s bedroom now. no home, no car. no savings. What happens if you call me in three months and you are on the street?” “Dude, I’m living my dreams. in less than two weeks we will be backstage, not in front of the stage. But back stage and on the stage. Playing for thousands of people. I’ve gotten to record six albums instead of just wishing for it. And those albums are in stores that people buy. This is what we always used to talk about when we were kids. Remember? I’m happy man. Don’t worry about me.” “O.k. bro. I’m going to keep worrying about you no matter what you say. But I hear ya man. Just make it happen.”
What I find actually is that this freedom from house and home has brought me a new sense of artistic passion that I haven’t felt in years. [o.k. I know I say that every few weeks regardless of my circumstances… but that can only be viewed as a good thing… lol. Remember when we were young and only dreaming of being great artists one day ourselves? Reading and studying the great creators of history… that is always the start of it. and now to wake up one day and realize that you are living and breathing it. that you really did it. you turned into it. you are a living breathing biography of the life you were always meant to live. That’s an unbelievable feeling.

Current spin: Marilyn Manson, this is the new shit. What a great song this is. I have always considered Brian and myself the polar opposites of one another. Me the good witch doing my best to explore and display the best of what the world has to offer, and he the wicked witch happy to profit from exploiting the worst in everything. perhaps it is because we grew up in the same town, or because he has achieved superstardom in the real world, and me only in my imagination, haha. But either way, I dig what he does sometimes. It has great power when its good, and of course its great shit when its not good, like all of us. But now,,, how to harness that same level of power with something beautiful and wonderful and helpful… that is the goal. So I keep at it.

Current screening: Frida. Again. Better the second time around. That scene of the accident. Wow. Again, the movie is heartbreaking, moving, inspiring. I am reminded to live fuller and richer and deeper and to ignore everything else around me that beckons normalcy, mainstream, or mediocrity in the name of society or status quo. It is one of the aligned companions along the way this film. “If you’re a real painter you’ll paint because you can’t live without painting. You’ll paint till you die,” he says. Yes indeed my friends.

I feel that I am only at the beginning of everything that I am here for, everything I am meant to create as an artist, as a revolutionary, and as a man. I feel a constant sense of frustration with how slowly everyone else is around me in achieving our shared goals; and with the constant lack of money and resources we have to work with. It will only take one big hit or payoff and my work will take off in the way that I have always envisioned. I will then have the resources to live completely in and for the work in the way that the artist needs to if he is to achieve the vision beyond the hype of the moment. My greatest work is still in front of me.

So no, I am not bothered by spending every cent I have and more on the work to the point of being homeless again, and again, and again. In fact, I am honored to be inhabiting this great mind and body that is called Fishy. Even when I have been at my poorest and most destitute I have always had a strong sense of pride because I have always managed to stay in the creating mode. So I can always smile, there is always that secret there behind the smile, of the grand work just completed and the even better one that is on its way.

Yes, and one more thing. where is my Frida? Again, I find myself more in love with this characterization of Frida khalo depicted in the film more than any other woman I have seen or heard of in my entire life. She is the ultimate archetype for me. Where is the woman who is as romantic dynamic creative artistic intelligent curious adventurous insightful liberal open-minded and revolutionary as I desire and need? where is this super woman that I feel in the blood of my soul? Even without knowing her yet in real time I am still entirely inspired by her and take her in with each breath, if only in my heart and in my mind’s eye.

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Uncategorized Frida, homeless, Labels: artistic passion, looking for the one, Marilyn Manson this is the new shit, performing, transcendence diaries

article 2019-04-29 124619_2.html

May 28, 2003

A lot of the pain over the last two years since I’ve been single—the trail of broken hearts as my friends tease me about, its just because you know when people are single, as I’ve been learning they really are looking for someone, really hoping to find a Mr. or Mrs. Right. And when you meet someone and you have this amazing time with them and everything seems great, but then maybe that person calls it off, it does hurt. And the tendency is to blame that person for hurting you. But deeper than that, its that we just feel so goddamn upset that they don’t like us. So we get mad. Its like this what the fuck is wrong with me thing. And you know I never meant to hurt anyone. And I know that no one meant to hurt me. That one time the first girl I dated once me and Cleopatra broke up Kelli, and we went out for a while and then I find out one night she’s seeing her boss out on a date with this guy. And I was surprised you know. I told my boys. Man I’m so hurt I say. And they say get used to it. Welcome to being single bro. You’ll bounce back. but I never faulted kell, cause she obviously liked this guy more than me even though we really hit it off. Six months later they were married. So who’s to say? She and I became friends pretty soon after that night. I started giving her tips how to play it with the guy you know. I couldn’t really be mad. I mean who’s to fucking say who someone is going to like. Its just a roll of the dice. Or more than that, its some kind of destiny. You can’t blame someone for not liking you and vice versa. I hate when girls get mad at me for not liking them. and I’m sure they feel the same way about guys, when guys won’t stop calling them. I understand their pain, cause I’ve felt it, but it still hurts when they blame you for something you really can’t help. Cause after I am with a girl I want to keep knowing them and hanging with them anyway. I hate that whole attitude ‘well if we’re not going to go out then I don’t care if were friends or not.’ That’s a great way to know that you made the right decision when you break up with a girl, if she gives you that line.
Last Movie:  looking for an echo. This was a great movie. I think I’m going to get into doo wop now after seeing this movie.
Current Spin: alanis morrisette, supposed infatuation…

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Uncategorized being single, Labels: being in love, loneliness, looking for love, looking for the one, meeting someone, transcendence diaries

A private little world for me… a private little world for you. The online journals and musings of singer-songwriter author and activist Ed Hale. The Transcendence Diaries have been posting regularly online since 2001. Comments are always welcomed. And so are YOU.

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