It occurred to me a few days ago actually, the question of whether or not the honeymoon phase of new love can last forever, or just how long it does last. The real question in that moment as I pondered was more to the point of just how long does this phase of feeling madly and blindly in love last and once it’s passed what replaces it? Once the stars disappear from our eyes when glancing at our beloved what replaces them? Are we destined to lives filled with a different kind of love than the one that prompted us to commit to this person for the rest of our life in the first place? Is it simply because that kind of dreamy steamy “make love three times a day no matter what” love isn’t meant to last forever? Is that kind of love even real? Does that kind of love only exist in the first place because it is borne from the novelty created by two souls who know each other not and therefore it’s only the newness of the relationship that creates those special feelings?
Or perhaps it’s as some scientists contend, those feelings we translate as new love and infatuation are nothing more than a witches brew of certain endorphins and neurotransmitters swirling about in our brains — see the book Your Brain in Love. Once we get used to the other person, which is bound to happen if we spend enough time with them, we cannot help but notice that those feelings begin to dissipate and eventually they disappear entirely. We still love the person. Sometimes at least. Most people seem to. Or at least approximately 50% — according to statistics at least. Some kind of love still exists. But it isn’t that dress your Sunday best every time you see each other kind of love any more. That’s been replaced with a different kind of love. Or so they say.
It’s a subject I’ve found myself pondering all my life. It was one of the reasons why it appeared to most that I for one would stay the perennial bachelor, never becoming the marrying type. As one good friend, Ducky in fact, noted upon hearing of the news that I had gotten engaged a few years back, “Well I hope everyone in hell is enjoying the cool weather, because it’s surely frozen over”. I’d experienced it more times than I can count, that walking on clouds with stars in your eyes kind of love entering our heart like a locomotive and then quickly leaving the station as fast as it entered. These Diaries can attest to that more than just about anything. It wasn’t something I could control after all. Or so I thought. It just always seemed to happen that way. I couldn’t do anything about it. I was a victim of it as well as an observer of it as a strange and rather cruel phenomenon.
So as much as I loved the idea of a big friends and family get together that lasted all weekend where I’d proudly watch the woman of my dreams walk slowly down the aisle towards me while old ladies and gay men teared up, I’d really never felt compelled to get married before. Only to Cleopatra Ecstasy. And even then I knew as well as she that though we both said yes to our clumsy, hasty engagement, neither of us were in too much of a hurry to set the date of the wedding any time soon. We were ridiculously young at that time. The novelty and excitement of being engaged and all they comes with it seemed fulfilling enough to us. Neither of us were dumb enough to ever fathom even for a second that we’d make a good married couple long term — once the giddy fun of opening all those wedding gifts and setting up a new house together wore off . No, ours was purely an agreement of partnership to build our lives up together to a certain level and once we did (and I’m forever grateful that we were able to accomplish that together) we easily went our separate ways. (Though for the record this in no discounts how much I loved her, or she me I’m sure). Unlike most though, we never allowed ourselves to be fooled into believing that once engaged a marriage must inevitably follow.
But all that changed when one day I found myself so madly in love with a girl that all I could think about was her having my children. What an odd feeling that was. I had always wanted to have children. A large family. Always knew I would. Just never felt the desire to have children NOW. Or THEN. It was always something I wanted in my future. And then all of a sudden it was all I could think about whenever I was with this girl. Laying in her arms or her laying in mine I found myself completely consumed with the desire to impregnate her and take care of her while she bore our children one by one over the years. And because of this feeling I knew it only followed that marriage would surely follow. I of course never pushed the idea, still remaining rather fearful of the long term commitment aspect of the venture. But she insisted that though she was having a blast trying to make babies that there better be a proposal coming around the mountain pretty soon. So we got married.
That girl was Princess Little Tree. Oddly enough a girl I had already known and was friends with for years before these feelings swelled up within and surrounded me. I had always loved her. As a friend. My best friend. And more… Was always attracted to her in a magical way that words could never describe. But that kind of love, the stuff of marriage and children, never entered my mind or heart with Princess Little Tree simply because we both knew from the moment that we met that it was an impossibility. How silly we were looking back now.
We flirted with being boyfriend and girlfriend numerous times through the years only to break it off after a few months each time. This went on for years. Nearly a decade. And then during one of our many on again off again “on” periods we both asked a simple question as we headed for the car to part ways once again as we had so many times before: what if we make plans now, right this very minute, when the next time we are going to see each other again will be? Instead of just saying good bye and not knowing when that next time would be? We reviewed our schedules and realized with some tricky rescheduling we could fit in two days together in about four days from our parting. It would be tricky and involve a lot of flying cross country but we could make it work.
So instead of parting ways in tears only to put the walls back up and the feelers back out to look for “the one” yet again once separated from Princee, we left each other’s presence with the excitement and anticipation in our hearts of knowing that in just four more short days we would be together once again. We began doing that more and more. We made a pact. No more parting ways not knowing when we are going to see each other again. From now we will plan it before we separate.
Our love become stronger. Much stronger. Unbearably strong. So much so that within months I was unbridled with a longing to never leave her side and even if I did I wanted to have children with her. With HER. Children. Now. Not in the future. But immediately. It was as if that was it. I had met the woman who I wanted to mother MY children. And I wanted them NOW. Not later. This was a deeper richer stronger more powerful kind of love than I’d ever felt before. It wasn’t purely attraction or infatuation. It was something I had no words for, because I’d simply never experienced it before.
It’s well past 3am and I must sleep. But we are five years into this incredible adventure together now. There have been times when all i could think about was getting the hell away from her. That’s the truth. That’s relationships. No matter who it’s with. But my heart always comes back. To her. Not just the kind of love we have for someone we are close to and hence the love in the first place. Of proximity. Of need. Of convenience. But that indescribable and magical love. The kind that makes you want to grab the person and hug them and squeeze them and never let go. The kind that brings an uncontrollable child-like smile to your face when you’re cuddling next to them in bed at night because you’re so damn happy to be a part of something so fulfilling and beautiful. A something that brings tears to your eyes from pure unadulterated joy and contentment. From their smell and their touch and their being welcoming you so freely into their space for they too are happy as you are. And for the same reasons.
When you see her she still melts your heart with her beauty. When she speaks in that unique and special way that only she does she still makes you giddy like a high school kid on prom night. You enjoy catching glances of her when she’s not looking. She still brings a rush of energy to your insides and compels your heart to skip a beat.
Perhaps the honeymoon phase never leaves us when we find true love. If we’re smart enough to wait for it and lucky enough to find it. Perhaps it hides sometimes. Takes a break to catch its breath as we all must once in a while. But if we commit to it, my experience leads me to believe that it stays committed to us in return. It has for me so far. So I must admit I find myself pondering this question less and less as the years merrily roll by. And for me that’s something, for if there’s one thing I do, it’s ponder. But this seems to be one of those subjects that necessitates less and less pondering and more pure and simple enjoying.
– Posted by The Ambassador using BlogPress on an iPhone