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Tag: The one

One More Week On the Sidewalks of New York

October 23, 2012

Last Screening: Sidewalks of New York. The 2001 film by writer/director Edward Burns. I have always had a soft spot for Edward Burns. Besides just the fact that he’s a fellow Edward. There’s something very Woody Allenesqe about him, his love of New York, his casual street realism and story-telling style. This isn’t one of those add to a Pinterest Board to be commemorated forever kind of movies. I’d love to say it was, because I get the feeling that Burns would be a great guy to be friends with, and if we knew each other, in the way I am friends with The Poet for instance, then sure, I’d give this film a two big thumbs up. Just for the sheer fact that they were even able to start and finish an entire movie. I mean, that in and of itself still blows me away. Filmmaking seems like such a gigantic achievement, compared to making an album I mean. That’s my only reference point. It just seems like a giant undertaking. So in that regard, sure, kudos to Burns and company for the accomplishment. But other than that, there wasn’t much here that each of us doesn’t already experience in our own day to day lives. And yes I dig that that’s Burns’ style in general, day to day realism, but I still believe that a really good film should transcend common man’s day to day life.

What the film did do for me though, what Edward Burns films always do, is remind us why we love New York so much. Burns is a real New Yorker. One of those “born, bred and never gonna leave New York” types. Like me I guess except that my relationship with New York has always been more transient, on and off, off and on. My favorite city in America hands down. But for whatever reason, I always find myself here for a while and then gone for a while. Such is the case now. It is true. The rumors. That we’re moving for a while. Not sure for how long. A few months is my guess. At the very least, we’re leaving this apartment and neighborhood. Can’t say I am going to miss it. I’ve never liked this neighborhood.

I’ll tell you one little tidbit of useful data I’ve learned, and there’s been plenty since this grand adventure started. If you want to keep something private, don’t tell a soul. If you really want to keep something completely secret, between just you and you, the key is to not tell one single person. I honestly haven’t told anyone except only those that need to know, like our leasing company, and a few minutes ago the freaking UPS guy confirmed what I had been suspicious of for weeks: everyone is already talking about our leaving here. When it makes it’s way to the UPS guy, you know everyone knows.

In regards to our family and friends, I’ve managed to spend almost three months straight here without flying anywhere else, which is strange for me, since normally I fly in and out and don’t spend more than a few days to a week or two here at a time now, I’ve packed up an entire four bedroom apt and not told one of my friends that I’m leaving. Call it denial perhaps. Or just being too busy. I just can’t bare to talk about it, let alone to tell anyone. I’d rather just go, do what I have to do, and come back in the Spring. We’ll find a new place and go back to bicoastal living. Eventually live here year round. Realistically we have less than two years left till we will be able to live here full time year round.

That was the plan originally. When I first moved here. Remember that? Long time readers will. And for many years that’s what I did. But marrying Princess Little Tree changed that. I knew it would going in. You can’t marry someone and live apart all the time. It just isn’t natural. I just didn’t realize that it would ever come to this. Having to make a choice between here and anywhere else. But life throws us curveballs sometimes. Wherever Princess Little Tree is now is where home is for me. And for now she needs to be in Seattle. Trying to maintain two homes on opposite coasts was challenging. Not just financially. But in every way. God I hate that flight. 12 freaking hours door to door, between our two homes. That’s one of the many things I am more than happy to be saying goodbye to. This neighborhood too. I’ve never liked it. None of us did, when we first moved here. One by one everyone left the apt. Out of the four of us who first moved in together here back in January of 2007. None of us, despite how much we loved the apartment, were too keen on the neighborhood.

It’s weird looking back now. Four of us move in together, into this giant Manhattan apartment, just about six years ago. And one by one we each left. I was the last to hang on. And why not? Where else are you going to find a four bedroom apartment in Manhattan? And for a decent price? Problem was I just could never get into the neighborhood. It’s always given me a sick feeling inside, walking around outside. I know. You could easily jump on the subway or into a cab and be anywhere in less than ten minutes. But the truth of living in New York is that wherever you live, wherever your apartment is, is where you spend most of your time. We don’t drive here. We walk everywhere. Or take subways or taxis. But most of the time, your hood is your hood. And I’ve never felt comfortable here. So when the lease came up for renewal this year and they wanted to raise the rent yet again, this time for $200 a month, it was a no brainer. We’re paying double now compared to what we started paying when we first moved in six years ago. So let’s pack it all up, hunker down out in Seattle where the family is and focus on some building and storing up of resources, and come back in the Spring and find a new place. I’m keeping my office here. So it’s still home.

That’s one of the great things about New York. You can leave for a while, but you never really leave. Your heart stays. The Candyman left New York for over a year back in ’08, when he took that job in the UK. But before we knew it he was back. Catherine Darlington moved to Switzerland for over a year and didn’t even give up her apartment here. That’s how it is. Once you live here, if you like it that is, and most people seem to, you always live here. Even if you leave for a while. The sidewalks of New York are always beckoning. No matter how long you’re gone for, New York is still calling you to come back. New York is still home. From that moment on, you’re a New Yorker. No matter where else you live in the U.S. New York will always feel like home.

So we’ve got a week left here. The apartment is almost entirely empty now. Most of the furniture and belongings either sold or packed up in big boxes, leaning up against the living room wall. I’m right back to where I was when I first moved here all those years ago. Just me on a mattress on the floor with not much else around me. Full circle. I walk around the empty space in the dark and quiet of night and feel a subtle but strong feeling of sadness circling around inside me. This isn’t a choice I really wanted to make. It was, to be truthful, one of necessity; not preferred. But that’s part of growing up isn’t it? Making the hard choices. Doing what seems right. Being responsible.

Don’t get me wrong. I love our home in Seattle. Who wouldn’t? It’s like the freaking Playboy Mansion for God’s sake. But for all intents and purposes I feel at home there about as much as I would in prison. Or Kansas. And I’ve never even been to Kansas. Or prison. Which goes to show just how out of my element I feel out there. The three hour time difference really messes with me too. You always feel like you’re playing catch up with the rest of the world. Really just with the East Coast. But that’s where everything is happening. At least that’s what you’re trained to feel if you grew up on this coast. Put it like this. If you want to watch the news everyday, which I have been apt to do since becoming an adult, you need to tune in at 3PM. Right smack in the middle of the day. Because they show it live, as they should. 6pm here in Eastern Standard Time is 3pm on the West Coast. Talk about weird. And if you want to get up with the rest of the world, which has never really been my thing, in America that is, it’s 6am, not 9am, on the West Coast that is; or you’re going to lose the first three hours of the day. For a night owl like me, that’s nearly impossible, let alone challenging. My whole inner clock gets thrown off. I start feeling lost, like I’m adrift at sea with no one but just me, alone in a little boat at sea floating around in pitch darkness, cold and lonely, fog covering everything but the light from my smart phone. A real sense of not belonging to anything starts taking me over.

So yeah, the whole damn move is bittersweet. To say the least. As I sit here on the mattress on the floor, which I’ve made my home more often than not since becoming a so called “adult”, writing this, I find myself filled with despair and longing. And I haven’t even left yet. I am sure I will feel different once I am home with Princess Little Tree again.

Speaking of PLT, this month marks our tenth anniversary of first meeting each other and falling in love. Crazy right? If you’re a long time reader, or are coming to the Diaries in eBook form and have flown through these pages quickly, over a period of just a few days, then it will feel like just yesterday to you when Princess Little Tree and I first met and this whole adventure first began. Who would think that ten years later SHE would have been the ONE? But as G2 wrote to me a few years ago, when he first heard the news that we were getting married, “Man that’s just perfect. You couldn’t ask for a better happy ending to this story. No matter who else it could have or would have been, no one would have been better than Princess Little Tree if Fishy were going to get married.”

And indeed I did. Get married that is. To her. Of all the girls that have graced these pages over the last ten years…. it was Princess Little Tree all along. One thing I know to be true, something I had to learn through living it I think, is that Princess Little Tree is the kindest, most loving, caring, generous, gracious, sincere and considerate person I’ve ever known. She was back when I first met her, and she still is today. There was a reason why after all those years holding out for the right one, the best one, the only one, that I finally ended up marrying. If not for PLT, there would never have been Fishy getting married. And thus this whole story would have taken a different turn. Who knows what would have happened. But it wouldn’t have been this. And for now this is way better than I could have ever imagined.

So yes, the sidewalks of New York will beckon for the next few months, as I find myself a visitor here more often than a resident. But I have a strong feeling that that will be a very brief and fleeting moment in the life of The Ambassador. New York, like few other things in life, is just too damn special to not have in one’s life for very long.

 



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Uncategorized denial, Ed Burns, Film making, growing up, home in Seattle, keeping things private, New York is just too damn special, New York is still home, NY living, tenth anniversary, The one, why we love New York, your hood

True Love

July 9, 2012

Hit me like a ton of bricks on the head. All at once. Just bam in the moment. Watching one of those Ed Burns New York period films. NEWLYWEDS I think. Anyway at one point there’s this woman on the screen, a closeup, just her face. She’s an older woman who’s been married for 18 years who has a son who’s about to go to college and getting divorced.

I’m kicking back watching this movie and staring at this woman’s face, who’s perfectly normal looking, in fact she’s the epitome of plain, nothing wrong with her. But she’s old. Probably mid to late forties. But not bad looking. And she’s talking about now that she’s divorced she’s going to go out with all these men. So as a man myself I’m staring at her and thinking “there’s not a chance I would ever go out with that chick. Look how old she is.”

And then it hits me. I’m married. And to a woman who’s older. With kids even. The Associated Press interviewed us last year for an article about “cougars and cubs” for Gods sake. And yet I totally love my wife. I mean I am madly in love with her. Always have been. Since the moment we met. Kids and all. And I had a strict “no kids policy” the entire time I was a single man. Never even entertained the idea. Not once. Not one girl in 20 years as a single man.

And yet here I am. Married for almost three years. Kids and all. Wanting to have more kids even. And happier than I’ve ever been in my life. And that’s the thing. The age thing. That may matter when you’re watching a movie and you’re in your head and thinking about whether or not you’d be attracted to some strange girl you see on the screen. Same with looks and size and facial or body features or maybe even where the persons from or what they do for a living.

But in real life it doesn’t work like that. And that’s a good thing. A real good thing. In real life none of that matters. When you meet the one you just know. And it doesn’t matter where they’re from or how old they are. You turn around and look at your special someone and you get that feeling inside. Your heart melts just a little bit more. As it always does. And you know.


You know that as hard as we try when we’re single and searching and wondering who are perfect mate is going to be that none of those thoughts we have really matter. They’re almost completely insignificant. You can make list after list. God knows I did. And you can spend hours upon hours at the local diner talking to your friends about it over brunch every Sunday.

But none of it matters. Because when you do meet you just know. Something bigger than your mind’s perceived preferences and qualifications takes over. Sure it’s chemistry in the beginning. But it’s more than that. Way more. And it’s got nothing to do with what’s on the outside. Call it magic. Fate. Destiny. The invisible hand of a mysterious power as of yet undiscovered that brings the two of you together and bonds you in a way you’ve never experienced before. It makes you understand why humankind created the term soul mate.

And I’ll take that any day over a perceived perfect match based on outer shell characteristics like age height weight education religion nationality or even gender. All of which in the bigger picture don’t even really play a role in how you feel about the person once you’ve met and realized how much you love and cherish them.

One might call it true love. And to be fair that’s what I believe it is. And it sure as hell has nothing to do with anything we think it does till it actually happens to us. We just can’t really understand this till it does happen to us. That’s the thing. But when it does… Well then. That’s when we finally get it. That’s when we know.

 



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Uncategorized cougars and cubs, The one, true love

Love Not Love

May 17, 2008

I am very confused by the heart. It is no wonder that we all at one time or another find ourselves at such odds with our hearts. It is a battle sometimes. Oftentimes when we are on the outside of someone’s heartache, the solution seem so clear to us. And yet when we find ourselves facing a similar battle it doesn’t seem so clear.

What intrigues me most is our ability to still love someone who is clearly not “the best” for us. Or for that matter when we find ourselves still loving someone who does not return our love. You know, its an amazing thing. this. How no matter what we do to attempt to convince ourselves that we need to move on our heart still holds a special place for that person…. I wonder what that is? Why it is. Of course due to the public nature of the Diaries I am unable to fully go into the details of these torrid affair as much as I would normally before this experiment started…. what’s it been now? six years? seven years now…. wow…

I need to, really. For in writing I find the most relief from such maladies. But suffice it to say that I believe that in essence the real dilemma lies in the fact that at our very core we long for love. So in cases where we simply don’t have any love in our lives, our heart is willing to project true love’s fulfillment on the closest person that fills that role in our lives at that time.

I believe that is why it isn’t such a bad thing when necessary to just up and leave our environment when we have to in order to escape the clutches of being in love with someone who just isn’t going to ever fit the bill. If that isn’t an option and oftentimes it isn’t, then it is best to just stop communicating with the person altogether. Move on and just get them out of our lives as much as possible in order to get them out of our heart and mind as much as possible.

One of the things that I find most peculiar is this strange tendency of mine to still long for a girl even after I have made a decision that she isn’t the right one for me. I actually find myself feeling jealous if she expresses liking some other guy or going out with another guy. Now in times past I used to beg for those situations so I could rid myself of having to deal with the guilt one feels when one breaks up with a girl, but even then, I find myself feeling terribly agonized over them liking someone else. and this is even after I have let them go and know without a shadow of a doubt that they aren’t the one. Even then I still feel this great pain in my heart. it is two feelings simultaneously that are actually totally opposite of one another. On the one hand there is much about the girl that bothers me, even at times, just flat out annoys the hell out of me. And on the other hand I still find myself jealous and hurt that she is liking someone else and actually find myself wanting to be with her.

Such is the case now with a few. And for the life of me I cannot quite understand the nature of this mental and emotional anomaly. Why on earth would I even care? I mean is it not a blessing that one girl or another likes someone else and is now no longer projecting onto you that you are “the one.” She is no longer feeling sad or bitter or lonely or resentment towards you that you don’t want to be with her. That’s a blessing to be sure. And yet, every now and then, it still sneaks up on me with certain girls and hurts.

I think what it comes down to is that there are some people – when true love strikes us, which is rare – that we just never stop loving. No matter how incompatible we are with them, no matter how much they bother or annoy us or just downright create a feeling of disdain or loathing in us about them we still in our heart of hearts love them and are in essence still “in love” with them. With Weather Girl that’s what happened. No matter how much I feel that we are incompatible and how much she annoys me at times, there is still this cupid’s arrow kind of love for what she represented at one point in my life. You see? Not HER. But what she represented – what I was projecting onto her when Cupid’s Arrow struck…

With Sabine it’s more like she’s just this giant object of sensuality and mystery to me that will always captivate me, even though again I know we are completely incompatible. But I feel enraged sometimes when I think of her with another man, even though that is precisely the best thing that could happen to her, for both of us… And with Princess Little Tree I still feel the same love for her as I did when we were a couple. The only difference is that now I love her more as a friend and want her to be happy. I mean, talk about pain. fuck. We milked that for as long as we possibly could just because we wanted to be together so badly… but eventually I think we both just got tired of the constant pain of that realization in the back of our minds that we weren’t the best for each other because of the age difference and all. We had already been told that we were husband and wife in our last life from more than one psychic and I think that helped us understand the instant connection and attraction and deep care we had for each other, and in a way it helped it make it easier for us to say good bye to our idea of being together in that capacity in this life. God was that sad.

It hurt sometimes. All of it. All of them. I’ll tell you that. it hurts like a sonofabitch. It stings. It causes the body to tense up and clinch up and writhe in agony. Even though we very well know that they indeed aren’t “the one.” But that doesn’t really talk to the heart. the heart has its own switchboard and I don’t think that anyone knows how to tap into it yet or make a call into it. It just has its own special line. Only God knows how to get in there and talk any sense to it. time I

guess is all that can really heal these things…

I’m doing alright with it. The easiest cure of course is just to be in other relationships. And then you don’t really think about it. you get yourself a new crush and then you aren’t thinking of the old ones anymore… well that’s the theory. For me that never actually works either. Because if I could have it my way I would have them all together as my wives and we would all be fine. In Iran when I met with the infamous Iranian filmmaker Khoshrow Sinai who is now in his sixties, I met one of his wives. He lives with two wives and they are best friends. Two children from each wife. And they are all very happy. I would like that very much. I guess I essentially I have that now in a way… just in a slightly covert way… and without the fringe benefits…

The real dream would be to meet ONE GIRL who could satisfy all of it. I mean, people get married for a reason… it isn’t always just for children or tradition or convenience or even just temporary infatuation. Sometimes there is really something amazingly magical there…. and my dream would be to meet HER. that ONE girl that could really be THAT ONE for me. Where I would not need a handful of them to satisfy all the various different aspects of my gigantic personality… I wonder if that is possible… to have one girl that could do it… something to think about.

The closest I ever came was Cleopatra, but I was a kid and I was really fooling myself because she really wasn’t on the same plane as I. I mean, eventually once the infatuation faded away we realized that we were very different from each other. We loved each other deeply and took such precious care for one another but we were on totally different planes so we argued insanely and passionately and horribly all the time. It was truly a nightmare. I’m very glad that I was mature enough to make the decision to “start separating to see if we could work out our differences.” Proud of her too. We made the right decision.

And since then, I’ve always wondered if there was one girl out there who really has it. all of it. the whole thing. not just the looks and the package, but also the old soul and the brains… the breeding, the enlightenment, the ability to keep up, the kindness and caring and unshakable integrity and honesty and lust for truth. I think for each of us, what we are really asking for is quite the miracle, and if we are lucky enough to find it, we should remind ourselves just how lucky we are.

The other day I received this email from Dina, remember the cute little gelato girl from Roma? Gosh I cannot even remember what name I assigned her in the Diaries… and I don’t feel like looking it up… we had a great time for about a week or two in Rome just before I left. If you want to jump into that whole scene head to the Diaries from June through September 2003 and read all about it. There are some truly wild stories to be had there.

In any case, she fell in love with the song “Vicodin” from our Sleep with you CD that had just come out that year. (Good for her, cause it’s a damn good song and once she “got it” you know, not just liked the music, but understood the whole idea behind the song, she sort of took it as her theme song for a while…) And so she creates a new email address for herself from that point forward calling herself Vicodina… still now. Which is just fucking classic. In any case, we’ve kept in touch for the last five years and that’s the way it should be…. So the other day I get this reply from her because it was her birthday…

Ciaoooooooooooooo Fishy,

It is so nice to heard you, first of all you have to exuse for my english that i’ m sure it will be really hard to understand. Thank you for remembering my bifthday, I’m relly impressed your memory has win the battle with all the drugs you had in the past! Hahahhaaaa! Anyway my life goes really well, i’m working with my love fabrizio in a nice restaurant near Rome and we are living togheter from 1 year already, i have lost all my bads abits (i remember you was really worried for me) so now my life is more normal. I have to say that sometimes i still get drunk but is just because i don’t want to feel too old .I ‘m 31 this year and i still think i ‘m 28 ,and if you could see me i’m sure you will agree with me that time did not change me a lot. what about you ? please let me now if you come in Rome to play with your band, and if you got time tell me something about the life in the big apple…….. Tanti abbracci e baci dalla tua amica romana

Vicodina.

And you know, that’s the thing really. Is that its all about us being able to share with each other like this AFTER we are in a relationship with someone… you know, if we work everything out alright. If everyone puts their cards on the table and is honest and clean and has integrity, things can always work out alright and we often find that our best friends in the world are our ex-lovers…. with me and Sabine… we are still in that stage where we are struggling back and forth a bit. Still this tug of war. You know, I never know whether I’m coming or going with her really. I mean she’s such a fucking mystery. One minute she loves me, the next minute she hates me. then the next minute we’re just friends, then the next minute she hates Weather Girl just because I once liked Weather Girl. And then she just likes me as a friend. Just makes no sense. But she’s one of my best friends in the whole world and I put up with it all no matter what because we have the potential to be really good friends one day.

Lately I think she’s coming around. Perhaps we both are. We’re getting to this new stage where we can hang out and laugh and really be friends…. at least on the phone. Being a professional “ballerina” she’s not around that much anyway, so its better that way. Its weird though because I still find myself unable to just hang out with her and NOT think about her in a romantic way. which fucking drives me crazy. Because I don’t want to. And I know she doesn’t want me to either. You see? That’s where we were when we started…. And that my friends is the puzzle. First one to figure that one out wins the prize.



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Uncategorized blog, clinging to love, diaries, ed hale, Fishy, incompatible, Italy, jealous, The one

A private little world for me… a private little world for you. The online journals and musings of singer-songwriter author and activist Ed Hale. The Transcendence Diaries have been posting regularly online since 2001. Comments are always welcomed. And so are YOU.

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