I was in a French café. Seated. Eating. A chocolate croissant. A cappuccino. I am staring at this new girl who walks in. Time slows down. I thought the thoughts. But then suddenly I popped out of thinking the thoughts and started watching them instead. you have to love when that happens. I pulled out my notepad and began making a list. This is the closest I came up with the exact order of how they popped in with absolutely no malice or deliberation on my part. As if I am nothing but the observer of this whole other being that lives inside of me thinking all these thoughts and feeling all these feelings. Fascinating.

Within a matter of less than two minutes it went something like this I noticed: “oh that’s a pretty girl. Is she pretty? Let me see her face. I wish she would turn around. Great body from behind. I feel a sense of urgency and fear. She’s turning around. If she is pretty I will surely feel sad that I cannot have her. how do you know you cannot have her? you don’t even know her. well I guess I just assume I cannot have her. well maybe you can have her. she’s probably married. Look at her finger. If she is hot and she is married then I will feel relief and the sadness will go away because then I don’t have to worry about her wanting to go out with me or not. She’s taken. Yes true but I will also feel sad because she is married and all the good girls are already taken. How will I ever find a great girl of my own? oh look she’s not that pretty. Good. now I feel better. She’s not pretty. So I don’t have to worry. but man what if she is not married? Oh that will make me sad because now I will feel sorry for her and worry about her getting married….” that is when I realized that I was watching my thoughts rather than thinking them. or rather, that is when I stopped thinking my thoughts and realized that I was watching them at the same time. again, fascinating. What irony. So lets get this straight according to my insane thinking, if a girl is hot then I feel bad for myself that she probably won’t want me, unless of course she does then I immediately don’t really like her or want her anymore for some strange reason. If she is married I feel a little bit better  because at least I don’t have to worry about her wanting me or not. Can’t fault her for not wanting me if she is married after all. but if she is unattractive, then I feel immediate relief from this nagging sorrow that no hot and eligible girls like me, fucking fascinating. And yet at the same time I immediately start feeling bad for them and hoping that they meet someone fast that will love them and marry them. crazy series of fears, resistances, and projections. A psychotic brain if you ask me.

The whole time I am observing this I am taking notes in the restaurant. The Syrian girl is curiously reading my every word, attempting to discover what I am scribbling about. I am sure she has no idea.

Later that night the Syrian girl seduces me. I am serious. I have no attraction to this girl. Some but not a lot. I have never had Syrian before so I tell myself that I should at least attempt to sleep with her if that is what she is aiming at just to rack up another country. Syria is totally uncharted territory to me. so I jump up and look up Syria on msn Encarta world atlas. Wow there it is in the middle of all of these Muslim countries. I ask her to show me exactly where she lives on the map. So there it is. crazy. what the hell is she doing all the way over here in New York? She tells me that she listens to my cds everyday and her favorite song is superhero girl. That it is her song. She then takes off her clothes and tells me to make love to her.