And me the one suffering from a constant insecurity, though it has gotten better and better through the years, am now starting more and more to see that it is a creation that I am constantly recreating, a belief that I am living through, rather than a reality that I really do suck and that everyone hates me. of course its easier to feel that way, in a way. because then you can just walk around judging everything and everyone because after all you suck and everyone hates you, so you can take on that whole fuck them cynical attitude which a lot of people do. but that’s not really what I’m talking about here. so anyway yes the feeling Manifests as something/anything similar to “I’m not good enough,” or “they don’t like me,” “they don’t want to hang with me” or “they don’t like my work,” or “they don’t want to work with us…” this type of thing. and any slight evidence in the physical universe of this will trigger it and I will kick and scream and struggle inside my head trying very hard to stomach it and pray it isn’t so but know for a fact that it is so and feel very bad. And then ninety-nine times out of a hundred I find out that it was only my imagination playing tricks on me and that I just didn’t know what was going on. when the person does contact me they were just busy or expected me to call or lost our contact info etc and then I realize that I had succumbed once again to an imaginary scenario that is being triggered by a series of beliefs I still hold that are negative and not serving me.

At those times I always tell myself that I will learn from that and I will stop automatically creating and assuming this dire outcome with people and events and stop being so insecure. But if something happens that triggers it, well, it just triggers it. and oftentimes I just feel a victim of it and can’t even reach out to connect with the other person. it makes me close up into a shell. And not be able to even make a move in the right direction. Oftentimes I can’t even make a call to anyone. Instead I just walk around feeling sorry for myself. this is an honest state that many of us live in/through but just aren’t aware of what’s going on. for me now I’m starting to become of aware of the causality of it.

I’m getting better and that was what I intended by writing here. I am getting better. I’m starting to see more and more that I am creating that, I am assuming these negative things to be true before I even know the reality. And through that I am creating a reality and acting from that reality. So I oftentimes don’t even give myself I chance. But step by step and year by year I get better. More able to say hey man its o.k. you’re o.k. everyone doesn’t hate you. you’re alright just the way you are man. its all cool. you can relax. Let go. be yourself. Be happy. just try it for now. its o.k. even if it is true, even if someone doesn’t dig you, plenty of people do, so just ease up on yourself and love yourself. You’re alright.

I think I come off pretty confident most of the time, because at another level I am, so I know that when my peeps hear that I feel this way sometimes it helps them come closer to that being cool with themselves too, thinking shit man if Fishy feels this way then hell everyone probably does. And then hopefully they start to go easier on themselves too. and if I can help in that manner by sharing this, then good, some good is coming out of it.

Shit, when you think about it, that’s probably half of what’s wrong with the world, everyone so afraid that people are out to get them or are dissing them or not digging them or are secretly harboring negative feelings towards them… the resistance to this creates pretense and arrogance and defense and offensive moves. And it all just gets hellish and confused from there. this is what causes arguments and deceptive acts and wars. But hopefully, eventually we will get over that. we will all get over ourselves and start trusting more. and the world will be a better place for it. 

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O.k. here’s something else I’m still working with, exploring: the difference between “meant to be” and “we created it through our thoughts and actually its up to us and it isn’t “meant to be”.” right? I mean, that’s our choice when things coincidental or synchronistic happen.  in other words, is the hand of God/fate/the universe? Or is it just us manifesting reality through our thoughts?