It doesn’t appear that everything always works out for us just the way we want it to. It’s taken me a long time to say thing. Because it’s taken me a long time to think this thought. Only up until recently had it ever occurred to me. It seems to come in waves, good things and bad. Something good here, some bad here too. Never all good or bad at the same time. I remember one period when I was particularly wealthy but all I thought about was how lonely I was. I was obsessed with finding “my one true love, the woman of my dreams”. Then I found that. Now all I seem to think about is our very unsatisfying lack of children or all the various career goals I have yet to achieve. This is an odd phenomenon. Most likely exclusively human.

This imbalance leads to a tendency towards over-compensation or over-indulgence in whatever area where we are doing well in. If we’re lonely but have lots of money, we tend to spend more money than necessary in a feeble attempt to compensate for our lack of love. And vice versa. When I was a young and struggling tortured artist I also just happened to be a playboy. Coincidence? Perhaps not. This only makes sense now looking back at it. I collected experiences with females like a kid collects stamps. Impressed friends and foes alike. Broke records. Did it all. It was easy, and perhaps– it’s difficult to admit now — because it was the only thing at the time that was easy to me, I over-indulged in it as a means to compensate for my feelings of inadequacy spawned by my youth and lack of career achievements.

But regardless of that little realization, it does seem to be the case that we don’t win it all all the time. It’s cyclical. There have been times in my life where I have felt on top of the world in terms of nearly everything, including the love and romance department, but then just haven’t been able to make ends meet financially. Some up, some down. Besides being an interesting aspect of life, what can we take from this? What good can we make from it?

I suppose more than anything it’s a good reminder to appreciate what we have when we have it. Knowing ahead of time that it’s not always going to be coming up roses. Not always going to be peaches and cream. So when we are feeling a little down, it’s important to remember to step back and take stock in the good things around us. It could always be worse. We know that. It could always be better. We know that too. But regardless of those two extremes, how are things right now? What’s going well? Where are we being just absolutely gifted in this life but maybe just not acknowledging it as much as we could be? That seems easier said than done, doesn’t it? But I’m usually pretty good at it.

But lately not so much. What it feels like, looks like, at least from the inside looking out, is that absolutely nothing seems to be working. That’s a hard thing to say out loud. Hard to write down. I’d rather it not be this way. I’d rather everything be going great. But I have reached a point where it’s more painful to pretend that everything is going perfectly than the potential pain or fear of people knowing that I’m not over the moon ecstatic with how things are going. I get the feeling sometimes that it might seem a bit dramatic for me to be talking about things like this… Because I know how much harder other people have it than I do. I do know this. And I know what it must look like from the outside. As if I have it made. So I’m always reluctant to state out loud when I’m feeling as though everything is awful.

It makes me think of Billy Joel actually. I don’t know why him in particular. But he’s come to mind more than once lately. I mean, talk about everything seeming great from the outside. And yet anyone with a passing knowledge of his personal life over the last fifteen years can easily discern that he’s not having such an easy time of it. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be an uncontrollable addict but be as successful as Billy Joel… What are you going to do? Head to local meeting in your hometown with everyone else? I mean, ultimately that’s what it’s probably going to take. But I’m sure it’s not easy. The real question is what led to his being so miserable in the first place? For whatever reason, he’s just not happy.

That’s the thing. We don’t know. And that’s what I mean. The same goes for me. For anyone. Regardless of what we might think about someone’s life from the outside looking in, we just don’t know. We have no idea what makes them tick, and therefore what may have made someone exceedingly happy at one point in life — like say being at the top of your game in your career — no longer adequately fulfills you. Perhaps all you want is your wife and kid back and that’s the one thing you just can’t seem to make happen.

What interests me more though is the creation process itself. To put it simply, lately I have been finding it increasingly difficult to create what I want. Now I know what you’re thinking, what most are thinking. Surely he’s kidding. Boy I’d like to “not be able to create what I want” the way he does! Yes…. But it’s all relative. Trust me. I’m being serious. I’m not 100% sure I mean this, but lately I’ve been starting to feel like I’d give it all up to just have a normal life with a wife and three to four kids. Why? Because those are precisely the things in life that I don’t have? I’m not sure. We’re exploring. I’m talking to me here now. So forgive me if you find it hard to swallow.

Personally I’m just not feeling it. I’m not happy. The wins are rare. And the good times feel few and far between. I am fantastic at making the most out of even the smallest things. Lucky that way. So I’ve survived. But I’m reaching the end of my ability to do even that. Reaching the end-game point, where it’s becoming difficult to make the most out of things. Difficult to find anything to make the most of. Of course that’s right when life can throw you “something real to cry about” so you start appreciating what you have; so I’m reluctant to admit any of this or think about too much; for fear of jinxing myself. I’m not saying I’m not appreciative of the life I have. I am. Immeasurably so. Grateful. Just not happy. And here’s the thing: if we never acknowledge when we’re not happy, when none of it seems enough, then how are we ever going to take the necessary steps to change things? What’s going to prompt us to?

So as much as I am grateful for what I do have, for all the good, the great, the wonderful, it’s time to admit that I am just not happy even a little bit anymore. That feels good. I needed that. I am more than tired of not being able to create what I want. This is something that I am not used to. But it’s a fate that’s been lingering around for quite some time lately. It’s weird. I worked so hard for so long without ever turning around to look behind me, not even to look to the side… just ran straight forward as fast as I could… One day I woke up and realized that I just wasn’t pulling it off anymore. I lost me mojo.

There’s a measurable pattern to all this from what I can tell. For those who are Avatars Masters and/or Wizards, that pattern is going to be very different than for those are not. I’ve been an Avatar Master Wizard for so long now I can honestly say that I have no idea how people survive without that knowledge and those tools. So there’s no way I can address how things work for them. But for me… let’s attempt to dissect the pattern, the chain of events. Put things into an order.

First there is the desire. We get the desire. Either it comes from nowhere/nothing — an external stimuli creates a desire for something in us, perhaps a state of being or a state of doing or just a thing…  OR something in our world directly reflects a reality that we don’t prefer, which immediately (or not) compels us to desire the opposite of that. Then we begin to fantasize about that which is desired. We think about it. We try to feel what it feels like to have it/be it/do it.

For many, it stops there. They get a thought or an idea in their head that tells them that they can’t have that. It’s not realistic. Luckily I have never thought that way. But I know plenty of people who do. So for them that’s the end of the road. BUT…. Sometimes just the fact that they got the idea and fantasized a little about it makes it manifest for them. That’s the way it should always work. Unfortunately for us all, it just doesn’t. Not all the time.

For others, this is just the beginning. We start feeling that which is desired, thinking about it, and we immediately go into planning. We make a note of it. We write it down. Tony Robbins recommends writing it down in a format that lists: the thing desired, the category of life that it’s in (love, friendship, health, etc), the purpose of the desire, i.e. why we want it, and the final outcome — what it will look like. I find this a helpful exercise. Though not entirely necessary all the time. But let’s say we add it to a list, or we start a new project entirely. Listing our resources at hand. Then we create actionable steps to achieve it. Next up, for many at least, is starting to take action.

But then there’s the more advanced protocols. If we’re lucky enough to have tools at our disposal, such as Avatar or the Sedona Method or Tony Robbins or Abraham Hicks tools… or hell even Wayne Dyer’s tools… whatever works for a person… if we’re smart, we set about using these tools to deliberately create what we desire. Nine times out of ten, that’s all it takes. BAM! It shows up in our universe in one way or another. An opportunity arises. The phone miraculously rings. A friend mentions something related to what we have just written down. I can’t recall how many hundreds of times this has happened to me. And I must admit that if I were to die tomorrow, the last thought on my mind would be “wow, what an incredible life I lived. That was just insanely awesome.” So in that regard I’m lucky.

But I’m not going to die tomorrow. I am sure of it. I know when I am going to die. And it’s many, many years from now. So for me personally there still feels like there is plenty to do. I must admit, for it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t, that my life used to operate like the above about 90% or more of the time. Friends and family say that I was born with some kind of invisible band of luck around me. Always falling into the right place at the right time. But lately it hasn’t felt like that. Not at all. I have no idea why. Princess Little Tree says that most people desire much smaller things compared to me. That I’m not acknowledging that the things I have set myself up to achieve are slightly bigger than your average goals. So it might be easier to create say a “new car” than “winning a Grammy”. I get this idea….

But I have always subscribed to the concept that the universe does not recognize the “size” of creations. To a degree at least. (there do tend to be certain desired outcomes that defy the laws of the universe itself that ARE bigger than your usual standard desire. Like for a long time I desired to be two inches taller. I actually created this. Slowly. True story. Everyone noticed it. Measurable. But it didn’t happen overnight. It took about two years. Doctors said it was “nothing really, pretty common. Men don’t stop growing till they’re well into their late twenties, so that explains it”. But what about other more intensely opposed to universal law type of desires, like say “flying” or levitating… These things seem to confound our ability to create regardless of what we do, and in these cases, then yes, the universe DOES seem to notice “the size of creations”.)

But for most things, the universe does not seem to measure size the way we do. The universe does not see a difference between desiring ice cream for desert — a quick trip to Baskin Robbins around the corner will satisfy that desire — versus desiring a million dollars. At least that’s the theory. It makes sense to me. Always has. Creation does seem to be rather blind to what humanity seems obsessed with judging and labeling and categorizing. This is easy to create. This is harder. This is impossible. But aren’t these all just beliefs. Programmed beliefs based on early indoctrination…? But I wonder if Princess Little Tree has a point. Perhaps it is easier to create certain things more than others. I know it is very easy for me to create “watching a great movie right now”. That would be a fairly easy desire to achieve. “Making over ten thousand dollars tomorrow in a few brilliant trades” seems like it might be slightly more challenging a task.

Note: Momentum builds on momentum. So if we’re headed down, rather than up let’s say, the further we go, the faster we go, the harder it is to stop the momentum down. And in the reverse, once momentum begins to build up in life, towards the achievement of something, it does seem to get easier and easier for us. At first it’s just one or two people who are interested. Then it turns into ten. Then it turns into hundreds. Then thousands. Pretty soon the momentum of this movement feels bigger than we are. So there’s something to be acknowledged about momentum.

This is why it’s important for us to remember that what we put out attention on we tend to create. Our vibration tends to create our reality/realities is another way of saying that. Everyone has their own way of describing this same phenomenon.

The hardest thing to do is redirect our attention in a positive direction when we are absolutely focused on the negative, to reset our vibration to a more positive one when we are generally feeling negatively. But if we do not master this ability, we will never be able to master the art of living deliberately and creating that which we desire more than that which we do not desire.

If we have no tools to use to change our state (attitude/vibration), then we are doomed to create on automatic whatever most closely matches our vibration in each moment, whether we want to or not. Thus getting control of the ability to change our state or vibration is key. Challenging yes. But not impossible. Even when things seem absolutely wretched, the only way out of it is to start flooding our system with feelings of gratitude and desire for it — or at least acceptance of it from a place of taking responsibility for it, no matter how difficult this feels — in order to minimize the resistance AND lift our state or vibration up out of despair. From that place we can much more easily create what we prefer.

I do it in a variety of ways; through using Avatar tools, one or more of the many exercises you learn on the courses. Or I might just turn on some great music really loudly and start dancing around and clapping my hands, shouting, pumping myself up. Or I might grab a guitar or sit down at the piano and let out all my pain. That lets it out and I usually end up feeling “better” afterwards. Or I do it by remembering how grateful I am for the simple things in life. For my health, for my family, for love, for having two arms and two legs. For my brain. For friends. It’s usually easy.

But what if no matter what we try we still just cannot manage to create what we want? Even if we can control our state of mind and attitude… What if it’s been years? And still nada. No dice. No creation of what is desired. Initially this leads to despair. Disappointment. A negative state. Down the road, after a lot of this over a prolonged period of time, comes cynicism. The jaded know it all who just doesn’t believe anymore. I’ve been there. Truth be told, that first Avatar Course I took nearly 20 years ago when I was but a wee lad changed all that for me. More than anything what that first course did for me was just allow me a vehicle to let out all my pain and disappointment. It gave me permission to feel sad and express it. It then taught me that lo and behold those feelings (as do all feelings) had a limit. They don’t go on forever. They aren’t infinite. If you feel them long enough, all the way, they go away. They’re gone. They vanish. That was a miraculous discovery. For about a year all I did was just feel everything that was bad in my head and my heart and in my memory and let it all go. Pretty soon there was nothing “bad” left. No sadness, no disappointment, no despair. It was a miracle. Everyone should be so lucky to experience that at least once in their life. From there I was free to feel confident enough — and have enough free attention — to start focusing on creating whatever I desired. They came fast at first. But we’re getting off track.

So, after almost twenty years of experiencing everything almost always working out, I’ve started to experience some hiccups. Try as I might, some things just seem out of reach. Beyond my ability. Regardless of what I do. We’ve all experienced this. This is when we usually turn to creating God, or adopting the beliefs of others previously set down about the existence of said God. This is the foundational reason for the creation of God by humankind. Not being able to understand how or why something in our lives is the way it is and not being able to change it. So we turn to the idea of a higher power at play in the universe that is bigger than we are. Something invisible and yet powerful that is stopping us for some reason. Something that is doing the controlling of things for us, or to us.

We begin to start believing things like “there’s a reason why this is happening”, “I wonder why this is happening like this…” “there must be a reason why this is happening…” God. Force. The Universe. Our higher self. Karma. These are all the effects of not being able to reconcile things not going our way in life, the results of our actions taken not matching our vision. This tends to lead us to actions like prayer. We sublimate our own personal power and give it to an imagined higher force or being who is constantly at work in the universe making things happen or stopping things from happening. This is the underlying reasoning beneath the consoling phrase “I’m sure God has a plan” or “God has his reasons….” Perhaps we find these ideas comforting. It’s better than nothing I suppose. (Not necessarily, but from that particular state of thinking, sometimes it feels that way. More on that in a few…)

Either that OR we run towards more existential ideologies such as “things just happen”, “there’s no reason for anything”, “it’s all just random”, “it’s all luck”. This is the “chaotic universe” idea; quantum theory. If any of this is true, and at this point in our evolution here, no one knows for sure, then we have a better chance of creating what we prefer than if we subscribe to the “there’s a God and he/she is trying to tell me something through this” idea. For if there is no reason for anything and it really is all random and luck, then we can easily shift that random luck more in our favor simply by using more force, more willpower. This leads us towards hoping and wishing. And trying harder. And trying again. Attempting to use force.

Life would be easy if it worked that way. We could literally create whatever we wanted if we could only call up enough force or will or resources. I am not sure which way I lean, if any. To me it appears at times that there just may be bigger forces at play than just pure force of will or luck. It may be a God or an invisible energy force that we presently label “God”, or it may be our higher selves, or it may be a collection of our past selves… little pieces of our soul broken off from us here-now but still operating in the bigger picture of our life. Parallel selves in parallel universes. Or karma. Or a combination of a little bit of all of it perhaps. It may be a variety of things… It may be nothing more than “results are the direct effect of our moment to moment action plus a little bit of luck”. (luck here meaning “random events in a chaotically ordered universe”.) Being in the right place at the right time. Taking the right actions more often than not. Being smart. Harnessing the right resources.

As of now we just cannot say for sure. When we’re down on our luck, we tend to lean towards a belief in a higher force or power of some kind. For me personally, as I have already stated here numerous times over the last ten or so years, I have no choice in whether to believe in God or not. God believed in me. He/She/It found me, perhaps never lost me, and made his/her/its presence known to me in ways that I couldn’t deny. I am one of the lucky ones in that. For I know plenty of people much more religious than I am who have never had what they would call “supernatural or paranormal or divine” experiences that have proven the existence of God to them. So I do consider myself lucky. Either that or just crazy.

The problem for me of course is that because I do tend towards a belief in God — though I don’t claim to know about or understand in the least bit how he/she/it works or why… — I am confounded by my occasional inability to create the things I desire in life. Especially when I seem to be doing everything right AND attempting to harness the power of this God. More to the point, I don’t get why God doesn’t help me create what I want. LOL! It’s funny right? In other words, why doesn’t God answer ALL of our prayers? It seems pretty 50/50 if you ask me. And anything that is 50/50 means that there’s a damn good chance that it’s all just random luck.

Note: Humanity’s view of God has changed tremendously in the last fifty years. Our view of God has turned into more of a loving Santa Clause that just wants to “shower us with favor” as Joel Osteen would say; rather than a mysterious force that created the entire universe. The last thing in the world I want to do right now is head into the whole “God is either all powerful and evil, or all good and not very powerful” argument. This is a philosophical dilemma we call Theodicy. If you like mentally running in circles you’ll explore this topic more. — The Secret — than it is like traditional Christianity. God didn’t used to be this force in the universe that did whatever we wanted just because he loves us and wants us to be happy. On the contrary. He used to be quite the all powerful and scary type who just demanded a lot from us and if we didn’t do it we would burn in hell for an eternity. And yet there was always a bit of love thrown in there just to make it all the more confusing.

If we are to face one and only one thing about God as religious or even non-religious people, it is that we created God a lot more than he created us; at least as far as we know so far. We seem to pick and choose the attributes we apply to him/her/it based on the state of our culture or society. For instance, in the Muslim faith God is certainly not an all-loving Santa Clause who just wants to give us whatever we want to make us happy. But we’re getting off track here. The point is this: as much as that view of God may be appealing to us, and I must confess it certainly is to me, it is only going to turn out to be true to the degree that we believe it to be. The more we believe this to be true about God, the more we will experience this. I for one am not necessarily experiencing this about God. But I keep giving him breaks for some reason. That’s where the “God knows something that I don’t” belief comes in. When we aren’t able to create what we want to in life and we believe in God, then we assume that this God we manufactured “knows what’s best for us” and that’s why “he’s not letting it happen for us”. It’s all a bit childish. And yet many play along with it. Why I’m not sure. I suppose we find it comforting.

One thing is for sure though. We will never achieve what we desire if we sit around and wait for it and never take any actions to achieve it. That kind of behavior, or non-behavior, usually leads to nothing. Nothingness. So we must take action if we want to create something. Writing it down is a good start. Acknowledging it. Then studying it. Studying what it looks like it, tastes like, smells like, sounds like; how it acts. Studying how others have done it and do it. There’s also modeling. Modeling the behavior of others. Then feeling it, feeling what it feels like. Then visualizing it. Seeing it. Seeing ourselves achieve it. And then there are all the Avatar tools… Things it would not be fair to reveal out of context. (Insert any tools or other modalities here that people find helpful to creating that which they desire…)

Yes, the key to the Avatar tools is getting rid of all doubts that may stand in the way. Using the tools to the point where you truly believe that you are either definitely going to achieve that which is desired, or believing without a shadow of a doubt that you have the ability to and are just about to. I find the second option a bit easier. I have never found it easy to “believe” that I have achieved something before I have actually achieved it. Some people can do this. And it occasionally works for them. But not I. If I’m not experiencing it NOW, I just find it nearly impossible to act as if I am. And that’s okay. I’m a bit more rational than that. But again, not everyone is like that. Some people become very good at tricking themselves into believing that they’ve achieved something long before they actually have. And it is through this belief that they then create that reality. I’ve seen it happen. So I know it is possible. It’s the “belief precedes experience” paradigm. Though I believe this, belief does precede experience (most of the time? In a MUCH bigger picture viewpoint?), I usually find it works better for me to create the belief that I am ABLE TO AND GOING TO achieve something, rather than creating that I have “already created it” when I haven’t.

Perhaps the key is that having the knowledge is just not enough. That we have to USE the tools. We have to practice. That the more we USE the tools, as opposed to just possessing the knowledge, the more powerful we will be in our ability to create what we desire versus just random events or even worse, things that we don’t desire at all.

There is another theory about creating reality that states that it is easier to create something when it is in flow than something that is not in flow. A good example might be during the Great Depression it was easier to get a hit song that spoke of the hardships of everyday life than to get a hit song bragging about all the money you have. Being poor was in flow at the time. Watch old Hollywood movies from the thirties. You’ll see what I mean. Actors actually became huge stars playing rough and tumble cynical crooked types that played against the system. Down and out underdogs. It’s the exact opposite today. In today’s world if you want to get a hit song you write about all the money that you have, all the bottles of champaign you can afford to buy and how expensive your car is. You write about these things regardless of whether or not they are true. It’s the old “BE DO HAVE” paradigm. But why? Why are these kinds of lyrics so popular now? Because that’s what’s in flow in modern mass consciousness in Western Civilization. Try singing about making the world a better place. I’ve been doing it for twenty-five years. Sure I’ve had my fair share of success. But nothing compared to if I were singing about booze chicks clubs and fast cars. Saving the world, making it a better place IS becoming popular. It’s starting to trend now. But singing about it hasn’t quite become “the thing”. Maybe it never will. But the point is there. Creating in flow with the bigger picture seems to work better than creating against what’s flowing.

There’s more. Much more. But enough for now. One way or another I am going to find a way to turn things around. And I will make notes here along the way as to how it’s going and how I do it. One last thought occurred to me. What if we just aren’t meant to get everything we want? What if there are benefits to not getting everything we want? See? Now THAT my friends is a belief. And if I really do possess that belief… then that is exactly what I am going to experience. Can’t say for sure if I harbor that belief of if it’s just something I said. That’s the thing about not being able to create what we want all the time. We start grabbing at straws. Looking for reasons why. And the truth is there is no “why”. We just haven’t created the belief that we can create it yet. 9 times out of 10 that’s usually all there is to it. This young man needs to use his tools more often, get back to practicing. Enough is enough. That’s what I’m starting to conclude from this little exercise. Will keep you posted.