Skip to content
TheTranscendenceDiaries

TheTranscendenceDiaries

Thoughtful musings for the unabashedly aware and ravenously curious intellectual and intelligentsia

  • About the Transcendence Diaries
  • About the Author
  • Subscribe or Donate
  • The Transcendence Manifesto
  • Ed Hale News
  • Videos
TheTranscendenceDiaries

Tag: Relationships

article 2019-04-29 124625_13.html

June 16, 2005
The most horrifying experience today. I was visiting Brown Bear to see his new little baby. yes the party all night and three days onward Brown Bear is now a father. God have mercy on his new daughter. I was on the back porch smoking a most delightful Cuban partagas series #4 the bear had just given me, and was interrupted by a phone call. Midway through the call Brown Bear calls to me, bro dinner is ready. I turn to him, bro not now. and I go back to my call. He tells me later at dinner ‘dude I don’t know what you were speaking about but you had the most dire look of pain on your face I have ever seen.’

So I begin to tell him of one of the most harrowing telephone conversations I have ever had thus far in my short but adventurous life. I will not prose this because I have already spent too much time thinking about it. turns out that the Ferret recently spoke with Cleopatra about our little shared business venture, a fledgling spinoff of another company we had started a few years earlier. In our youth and inexperience we gave Ferret 5% ownership in the company, not understanding what 5% of a company could mean. a year or so later I told both of them that I changed my mind. I had been crunching numbers and it turned out that five percent of a large company could be quite a fortune. I could see from the current business model that we were soon going to become a large business. the problem with large businesses is that through you may be earning large bank on the books, in reality you may not be doing so well. all the money needs to be put back into the company. So you may show a profit of say half a mil. but you may have spent it all on capital reinvestment and loan payoffs. But that five percent owner may still want his five percent and that’s twenty-five grand a year right there if you stay at the same place.

Well my decision to take the shares back didn’t go over well with Ferret and Cleo at the time just didn’t understand what I was saying. she now regrets that decision more than any other for so many reasons. Ferret has been most unpleasant to us over the years never lifting a finger to help in the business or even pay much attention to it except to ask every year, where’s my money? and now that we are about to sell this little spinoff for a very small amount of money just so Cleo and I can get out of business with one another, Ferret is most concerned with his share of that pie. It turns out he is offering both of us to buy him out. but not for what his shares are worth but for double because he sees there is a premium for the shares that will yield the buyer with the majority shares in the company.

Now because Cleo and I cannot see eye to eye on things yet and still unfortunately we are constantly arguing and have even taken as I have written about earlier to taking up our own individual attorneys to battle each other to the despicable demise of all of our life’s earnings. Uncannily we still speak as friends on the phone all the time but over certain business matters we just cannot get it together. so I say to Ferret casually, well you wouldn’t sell your shares to her would you? “at this point I will sell them to whoever gives me the money first,” he tells me. “but if you sell your shares to her she will gain majority control of this company and could vote on all sorts of matters that I will have no say in. in fact you know as well as I that she has every intention of taking almost all of the proceeds of the impending sale and leaving me with very little.” “I know. so why don’t you buy them.” “I’ve already told you, I don’t want to buy them for double what they are worth if we are going to sell in two weeks. it would be foolish.” “well then she might.” “well if she buys those shares you know the scenario is going to be the company is going to sell, she’s going to walk away with just under a million bucks, your going to walk with a hundred thou and I’m going to get next to nothing for a company I started. Bro you know I founded this company. This is my baby. you can’t sell me out. you would sell me out after fifteen years of friendship knowing what would happen?” “Look man, at one time we had a friendship, but this isn’t about friendship. This is about money. and I have to start thinking about myself.”

Like this:

Like Loading...
Uncategorized business, Labels: avatar course, making music, Relationships, running a business, transcendence diaries, working with family, working with friends, working with your girlfriend

article 2019-04-29 124624_10.html

February 18, 2005
Mom calls. upset. Finally opens her heart up to men for the first time in years… and has started dating. She is happier than she has been in many years. shines. Glows. Smiles even more than normal, which says a lot for her. she is a very happy and bubbly person already. How is it to talk to your mom about her dating men… having your mom call you crying because she is breaking up with a boyfriend… not as bad as one would think… its easy for me. easier than I thought. She’s cycling through boyfriends now. dating. Fun stuff. she still has a tendency to date down rather than up. ‘mom, please. just keep going through them. please don’t bring the bloodline down any further. For gods sake…’ I joke. ‘don’t be ridiculous Fishy. You’re bigger than that honey.’ ‘Mom why am I the only who seems to be bothered if you and Beaver forget who we are and where we came from and keep bringing people into our families who are beneath us…’ I bite my tongue. I regret what I say immediately. I am a monster. Listen to me. isn’t it love that’s all that matters? Am I wrong to want to keep the blood…. ‘people are not beneath people because of money Fishy. you know better.’ ‘well I’m not talking about money here mom. You know that…’

‘Mom study history. Whole kingdoms have been brought down because of someone marrying the wrong person. that’s all I’m saying. just please bear that in mind. We were raised a certain way. we came from a certain breed. Why am I the only one that remembers that?’ ‘honey you think too much about that. beaver is happy. don’t pester the boy for that. don’t ever talk this way to your brother.’ ‘mom he eats white bread and yellow mustard for gods sake….’ I’m an idiot I think… ‘honey your bother would eat like that no matter who he married… things like that are not important to Beaver. He doesn’t have the same tastes as you. there is nothing wrong with that. Look at his soul dear. He is more than all of that. He is a real gentleman. You need to see that…’

I do see it. I am just reacting to an unconscious resistance to being common. Probably because our family never lived up to our own upbringing… when our family came to America they came with a lot less than what they left behind. But they did this in order to find freedom and even more prosperity, as so many millions of people did and still do. This was how it was when you left your homeland and came to America I am told. But still they did well. Until the stock market crash of ‘29. My grandfather’s father lost everything and shot himself at the age of 35 leaving his wife and seven children behind. A weak man, and a coward. But still, my grandfather, the youngest, managed to climb back up and became very successful. Ironically he worked for the United States government for forty years as an attorney and judge. If he could only see me now. he would be chasing me around the house trying to hit me… But the family never regained the prestige or the resources that they had back home. that’s the point.

I will never forget my grandfather and grandmother sitting us down one summer day when we were children and showing us our great great great — I don’t know how many generations back — paternal grandfather’s name in the encyclopedia Britannica. This did not mean much to me at that age because I assumed that everyone had family in those big black books…. but later it became something very important to me. He was a famous mathematician who discovered many very algebraic formulas and theorems that are used and taken for granted today. then my grandmother showed us the name of her great uncle also in the Britannica who was a famous composer and musician who is not much remembered today except in scholarly circles. Again, I did not quite get the importance of this until much later. We were too young… but I gathered that it meant something…

Like this:

Like Loading...
Uncategorized dating single mother, family history, Italian immigrates, Labels: ancestry, Relationships, single mother, succeeding in america, transcendence diaries

article 2019-04-29 124624_18.html

February 10, 2005
An amazing day and night. no I take that back. a good day and an interesting evening. a new friend of mine is a singer in the metropolitan opera here in New York and invited me to the Players Club to see if I wanted to become a member. A private club for actors, singers, writers, playwrights, etc. started in the late eighteen hundreds by Edwin Booth (yes the brother of John wilks) but at the time the most famous actor in America. Since that time everyone from sarah bernhardt to mark twain to Gregory peck to Richard Burton to sir Lawrence Olivier and on and on have been members…. a glorious mansion in gramercy park. Grand fireplaces and marble everywhere and big luxurious leather couches…. Absolutely beautiful and completely literary. A real intellectual sanctuary. Was an honor. Read the history of this landmark institution here: http://www.theplayersnyc.org/default.aspx?c=4 Fascinating stuff.

Later while waiting for the subway who should walk in but the Italian stallion herself. Now because we still don’t quite click all the way, don’t know how long this is going to last, but we still have this kind of fondness for one another, it was a rather strange but welcomed event. I mean we had no choice, we had to speak. There we were standing right in front of each other face to face. Who would think it. 18 million people in this city, both of us moved up from Miami, and there we are… what is the message? I don’t know. crazy.

The thing that struck me was how easy it is for me still to just stare at her and still feel the same love/fondness I always did for her. I have a feeling that her once ardent feelings for me have long since vanished. Or at least she certainly plays a good game of it. but I’ll tell you, for me its half and half. half of me just really likes her as a person, wants to befriend her and take care of her and look out for her like we would with any of our good friends. But I still cannot help but get this sinking feeling inside when I look at her and am speaking with her… what is that? and the question is: do we ever lose that for people that we once loved? I know we do. I know it firsthand. But why not with her? I’m not saying I want to go out with her again or anything… but what I feel is that I may just never be able to be friends with her because of this obviously dangerous attraction… strange.

Have to make more time for living and doing and less time for writing. period. This writing is too much… so good night.

Like this:

Like Loading...
Uncategorized Labels: Edwin Booth, metropolitan opera, Players Club, Relationships, running into an ex, transcendence diaries

article 2019-04-29 124620_2.html

October 29, 2003

Dear Cat,

You are in London now I hear. We haven’t spoken in so long. I know that you think that you need to distance your self from certain friends that you had when you were with the Wolf. It is understandable that you would feel this way. I think we all do it when we break up. 

It is ironic that I saw you more since you broke up than the Wolf. It is an irony like out of a movie. And then for you to decide that because I am or was friends with him that you would distance yourself from me and the Brown Bear. I think this is really funny. I hadn’t actually been close with the Wolf for many years. we just started growing apart. But I had been getting closer and closer to you for many years. it could make a great screenplay. Anyway, I still feel the same way about you as I relate in my calls to you. You’ll always be a sister to me. I have a profound love for you and the kids. And for the Wolf too of course. (and the Brown Bear tells me every time we speak how much he misses you just so you know.) I just think that over the years that I ended up having more in common with you. more of a simpatico so to speak. Talking about it today with a friend, we realized that you don’t have to stay friends with people forever. its o.k. to have your friendships for as long as they last. But at the same time, its important to let your friends know how you feel. 

You meant a lot to me over the years. you gave me a lot of certain things. Love and support and fun and companionship. So I will always remember that. you guys were like my family away from home. so I honor you still and wish you the best for your future even if we don’t hang for a while. when you get that close to someone I don’t even think it matters after a while if you hang. You are already so close, its like you are connected through the air that you both breathe. 
I hope the new boy in your life turns out to be awesome and you guys live happily ever after! If he ever fucks up please let me know, and I will personally fuck his shit up to no end. 
Love
Fishy 

I think a lot about this now. how our friendships come and go throughout our lives. Some of the people we think are the most important at one time in our lives disappear after a while. who stays? Who lasts forever? family I guess. Family maybe. Its true. Me and the Wolf have continued to drift apart as friends. We just don’t have anything in common anymore. Same thing with Coon. Haven’t seen or talked to him in years. and me Toad don’t even hang out anymore. Haven’t in years. but we still talk on the phone. And its weird cause when we talk I still feel like I am talking to a brother. Like he’s my twin brother or something. Lost touch with Guru years ago. Heard he got married. I didn’t even know about it. I told Toad that it broke my heart not to even know about it. I was trying to play it down how it made me feel. I think that sometimes the tendency is there for us to beat ourselves over losing touch with our friends. But maybe that’s not the point of friendships. Maybe they’re meant to come in and out of our lives. Maybe they don’t necessarily have to last forever. its nice though when they do last a long time. 

Like this:

Like Loading...
Uncategorized Labels: friendships, losing touch with friends, lost relationships, Relationships, transcendence diaries

article 2019-04-29 124620_6.html

September 23, 2003

So I’m here in this new office now.  I am still not used to it. But I like it. I have decided to try to completely separate from Cleopatra and the businesses that we have together as much as possible. Its really like starting over.  Just totally starting over.  I’m used to having this very large staff working for me and now its just me since my assistant moved to Boston. I’m not rehiring one because honestly I just don’t have the money from the record company yet. So if I’m not working at the other companies and I’m just trying to work at building the band and the record company then I’m just going to have to go it alone right now. so yes its fucking very weird. I’m used to being a CEO at two multi-million dollar companies by day and a singer/songwriter by night, trying to build a fledgling independent record label with a small staff. and I’m used to all the expected benefits that go along with being in that position. So now its like when I need an office supply its like I have to find a way to get it myself. Its pretty weird. Or when I need lunch I have to call for it myself. Or booking appointments, or booking travel, or just fucking anything. God just writing this is fucking depressing me. I have to even pay my own bills. I haven’t even been in a bank in seven years. I haven’t licked a stamp in ??? I don’t know, years. the other day I went to the post office for the first time since I think the mid nineties. That will definitely be the first and last time I ever go to a fucking us post office. I can’t believe people deal with those lines. No sensible person would. So even errands I will run myself for a while. Facts are facts. I resigned. I am no longer the CEO of two huge companies; I am just a singer now, trying to get his band and his record company to actually make money rather than just spend money. A daunting task. I am CEO now of a very small company that cannot even afford to pay me. so that’s the facts. So no assistant. But as I write this I smile, because we may be under funded, but I am still smart. I am still the brilliant entrepreneur I always have been. I have built many businesses up from nothing and I will do the same with this one. I believe in it. I believe in the music we are making as a band. And I believe in myself as a songwriter. And as a business man and entrepreneur. But none of that is making it easy…

Like this:

Like Loading...
Uncategorized Complicated Relationships, herman miller, Labels: business with pleasure, losing everything, new office, Relationships, starting over, transcendence diaries

article 2019-04-29 124618_4.html

November 24, 2002

In the line at the movies and feeling so heavy from this relationship thing. My mind was spinning from the confusion of not exactly knowing what I was feeling. Recognized the signs; unable to focus, more attention on myself rather than on the outside, feelings of discomfort and resistance. I stood there and forced myself to feel whatever I was feeling, let it all slowly unravel and untangle inside of me so I could take a look at what was there. I could discreate the beliefs later. Lets just take a look at them and free up some attention. So what I started noticing as I looked around inside was this feeling that I just wasn’t ready to settle down and get married. Even though a big part of me longs for it. I have no problem with the idea of marriage. I can’t wait. I just don’t know about the forever part of it. that’s the part that sticks me. I told la Princesa about this. I told her that maybe I could see marriage if instead of promising forever two people promised five years with an option to renew type of thing. Of course she was upset. I think she walked out actually. But I had to be honest. Forever? The rest of your life. Later she admitted that she sort of felt the same way but it was just too much to think about, and too out of the ordinary and crazy to entertain the idea. But I think that is a much more logical and practical way to go about it.
All I do know is that a lot of my friends are already divorced. And some of them are already in their second marriages. And most of us have parents who are divorced. Not all of them, but the majority of them. I notice a lot of my friends also getting married and admitting that they aren’t totally madly in love like they thought they would be but just still really wanted to get married and really love their spouse. For me I just couldn’t imagine doing that. still others are in relationships or marriages that are strained and not so deliberate. A lot of fighting. A lot of wondering what it would be like to be on their own. but maybe they have children now and can’t get out. A lot of marriages seem more Bas Fishy on avoiding pain and loneliness than experiencing love and passion. Not all of them. A few of my married friends seem really really happy. So the possibility is there. I just haven’t gotten to the point yet where I am willing to subject myself or anyone else to that.

Like this:

Like Loading...
Uncategorized getting married, Labels: Effects of relationships, Marriage contracts, Monogamy, Movie Theaters, Relationships, Till death do us part, transcendence diaries

A private little world for me… a private little world for you. The online journals and musings of singer-songwriter author and activist Ed Hale. The Transcendence Diaries have been posting regularly online since 2001. Comments are always welcomed. And so are YOU.

Recent Posts

  • Understanding Black America, Or Not
  • Two More Executed In Iran This Morning For Protesting For Freedom & Equality — What We Can Do To Help
  • Realism Is False — by Donald D. Hoffman
  • Transcending Genetics Through Consciousness and Particle Physics
  • Making the World a Better Place Starts With Committing and Consistently Showing Up
  • Masculina Stigmata — The Curse & Crisis Of the White Straight Man In the Modern World
  • Islamic Republic Of Iran Holds First Public Execution In Ongoing Revolution — It Is Now Time To Strike More and Fight
  • David O. Russell’s New Film Amsterdam is Flawed Sure, But It’s also An Incredible Work Of Art
  • The Mask Is Off — Pro-Palestinian/Anti-Zionism Is Not Anti-Semitism
  • A Small Concession Has been Won In Iran — But the Bigger War Will Continue Until A Full On Democratic Revolution Transpires and the People Are Free Once and For All From Tyranny

Receive Transcendence Diaries Updates

   
 

Subscribe

* indicates required
  
  
  
    Email Format    
 
  
  
 
       
   
   

Join the Ed Hale Mailing List

Ask Ed Hale a Question

Follow Ed Hale Online

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Spotify
  • YouTube
  • Apple

To Follow & Like us

RSS
Follow by Email
Facebook
Facebook
fb-share-icon
Twitter
Visit Us
Follow Me
Tweet
LinkedIn
LinkedIn
Share

Follow Ed Hale on Twitter

My Tweets

Ed Hale on Facebook

Ed Hale on Facebook

Listen to Ed Hale on Spotify

Tags

Abraham Hicks ed hale and the transcendence activism America American imperialism Avatar avatar course CNN Consciousness ed hale facebook finding God gaza god intuition investing iPhone Iran Iraq islam Israel itunes living in new york making music Music music video music videos new album new york palestine peace politics reality creation Rehearsal Relationships Religion Russia Scene in San Francisco social media songs songwriting the adventures of Fishy Transcendence transcendence diaries United States

Categories

  • Activism
  • Alternative History
  • America at War
  • American Terrorism
  • Ancient History
  • Art and Entertainment
  • Black Lives Matter
  • black people
  • Business and Entrepreneurship
  • Civil Rights
  • Consciousness Exploration and Expansion
  • Cosmology
  • Current Events
  • Economics
  • Environment
  • Evolution
  • Film and Movies
  • Friends and Family
  • Gender Issues
  • Gun violence Gun Laws
  • Health and Wellness
  • Human Rights
  • Iran
  • Israel/Palestine
  • Just Published
  • Life Hacks
  • Literature
  • Love Sex Romance
  • Metaphysics
  • Music
  • Music Videos
  • Musical Instruments & Gear
  • Nature
  • New World Order
  • Paranormal and Supernatural
  • Personal Expression Age
  • Personal Life
  • Physics
  • Politics and Government
  • Psychology and Human Behavior
  • Race Racial and Racism
  • Religion and Spirituality
  • Science
  • Social Media
  • Struggling artist lifestyle working for the man
  • Technology
  • Television
  • Terrorism
  • Uncategorized
  • Wealth Finance and Investing

Recent Comments

  • Ed Hale on Two More Executed In Iran This Morning For Protesting For Freedom & Equality — What We Can Do To Help
  • Ziba on Two More Executed In Iran This Morning For Protesting For Freedom & Equality — What We Can Do To Help
January 2023
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031  
« Dec    

Archives

  • January 2023
  • December 2022
  • November 2022
  • October 2022
  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • April 2022
  • February 2022
  • September 2021
  • May 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • February 2019
  • December 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • September 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • April 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • January 2014
  • December 2013
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • August 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013
  • April 2013
  • March 2013
  • January 2013
  • December 2012
  • November 2012
  • October 2012
  • September 2012
  • August 2012
  • July 2012
  • June 2012
  • May 2012
  • April 2012
  • March 2012
  • February 2012
  • January 2012
  • December 2011
  • November 2011
  • October 2011
  • September 2011
  • December 2010
  • October 2010
  • June 2010
  • December 2009
  • September 2009
  • April 2009
  • January 2009
  • September 2008
  • May 2008
  • December 2007
  • November 2007
  • May 2007
  • September 2006
  • October 2005
  • September 2005
  • August 2005
  • July 2005
  • June 2005
  • May 2005
  • April 2005
  • March 2005
  • February 2005
  • January 2005
  • November 2004
  • October 2004
  • September 2004
  • August 2004
  • July 2004
  • June 2004
  • April 2004
  • February 2004
  • January 2004
  • October 2003
  • September 2003
  • August 2003
  • May 2003
  • November 2002
  • October 2002
  • August 2002
  • July 2002
  • January 2002
  • December 2001
  • September 2001
  • April 218

Subscribe

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org

The Transcendence Diaries is a property of Transcendent Media Group LLC (c) (p) TM 2001

Idealist by NewMediaThemes

%d bloggers like this: