November 2002 - TheTranscendenceDiaries

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November 28, 2002

Thanksgiving with the family in Arizona. Am I outgrowing my family? Is that possible? Could there be a worse dream to wake up to? Is that what growing into an adult means? Click your heels. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

Watched Paul McCartney on TV last night. What a great band he has assembled. Still carrying the torch. His vocals were awesome. Made me realize how we really need to start making a better living from our own music. Right now the general consensus is that bands don’t make good money. One out of a thousand maybe make enough to get by. You’ve got your Eminems and your Madonnas. But most of us don’t even make enough to live. And this belief is perpetuated and vehemently defended by everyone in the industry. ‘that’s just the way it is,’ is the general feeling. We hear it all the time. every show we play, we’re told that we may have to play for free, or we’ll be lucky if we make five hundred bucks to split between all five of us plus pay the soundman, light person, flyers, transportation, etc. and a lot of times it’s the bands that are at fault in the first place because they put up with it and so they set this precedent that all bands have to do it. They get so used to it that they never get out of it. It’s like, ‘I’ve fallen into this belief and I can’t get up.’ it’s funny.

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November 27, 2002

I’m in the airport. There is this Latin girl with a tight shirt on and no bra. Her breasts are just popping out. She has received more than her fair share of secret looks from other passengers here waiting for the plane. A few minutes later I looked up and she was standing up talking on her phone. Her nipples were really sticking out. And there is this guy sitting down about four feet away from her. He had a book in his hand but he was staring at her standing there talking on the phone and his mouth was hanging open, and then about five feet away from him there was this other girl who was staring at the guy and at the girl observing how this guy was so absorbed by the girl on the phone with the tight shirt and no bra, and she was completely absorbed in watching the two of them. She had this look on her face like, ‘I can’t believe that guy. Why does he care about that slut with the big boobs.” And then I’m sitting there watching all three of them doing their thing. And I’m thinking, ‘I wonder if there is anyone watching me?’ Look how we watch each other. Each of us making our own little judgments about each other based on our own different sets of beliefs.

O.k. I’m on the plane now—America West—and they are playing all these country music videos. Man what is this? I think I have been in Miami too long. I feel like culture shocked. I’m sitting here looking at the TV and hearing this strange music and these goofy looking people and my mouth is hanging open. I forget that America is filled with people like this. I keep looking at the other passengers on the plane with me, like, “do you see this on the tv? Can you believe it?” Maybe they are from out west or something, flying home for the holiday. And they are used to it. The longer I live in Miami, the more I start to realize that it is not really part of the rest of the country. It’s like we live in an alternate reality compared to the rest of America. I’m sitting next to his couple who packed their own lunch since airlines don’t serve food anymore. They are eating bologna sandwiches on white bread with yellow mustard and yellow American cheese. I haven’t seen something like that in ten years. I knew they sold that stuff in the supermarkets. I just could never figure out who actually bought it. o.k. so yea, Miami is not really part of America.

We’re in the air now. I’m watching the in-flight movie sporadically while reading and writing. Bourne identity baby!!! I love this movie. Great soundtrack. Reading time magazine—twelve letters from readers from all over the country saying they do not support Bush’s planned invasion of Iraq. I will scan these in. They receive thousands of letters per week one would assume with the printed ones being a small representation of the bulk of them. The media continues to report about the coming Iraq war (not a war at all, but really an invasion, since they haven’t attacked us and aren’t really even a worthy opponent of ours) and all of Bush’s activities to prepare for this war on a daily Bas is. The media continues to ignore the fact that most Americans do not support Mr. Bush in this. and so when you turn on the television, you get bombarded by corporate bullshit and propaganda about an America that is not ours, but belongs to a hostile government who stole the presidency and will do whatever it wants to whenever it wants to regardless of the American people—as one reader wrote in to time magazine, ‘I will support Bush’s military action in Iraq as soon as he enlists his two daughters in the military.’ Funny.

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November 26, 2002

Tonight we went to see and hear Caetano Veloso sing at the Jackie Gleason theatre. After the concert we got to meet him. this was a huge event for me personally. I was awestruck. I gave him an autographed copy of Rise and Shine and showed him his name in the liner notes. Showed him how we covered a famous Brasilian song on the album. We spoke very briefly. Laughed some. It was a good feeling. He is much smaller in person than on stage. Older, greyer. Very soft and soft spoken. This was a dream of mine. This year I have had the opportunity to go see Pavarotti, Placido Domingo, Boccelli, U2, and Caetano in concert. This has been a very good year.

Listen to the man sing.

The following is from an email by a man named John MaCenulty. It is good. Very good.

There are times when societal actions are extremely clearly wrong, outrages

that reach into us deeply. We feel a sense of hopelessness and despair that

things may be falling apart. A sense of wrong and dread pervades.

And there are times when things come to a focus and really are threatening.

It is not an illusion that will pass in the blink of a magical eye. Some

things are deep and structural, inherent in the way of things. They have been

going on for a long time.

Negative energies flare and wane. We are watching a flaring.

The history of humanity is the story of these risings and fallings. Ever has

it been so.

Yet within the structure of pain and suffering has been an awesome spiritual

beauty that has never been defeated by the awful things that have passed

through us. Hope seems to, indeed, spring eternal.

Beethoven and Mozart wrote in times of war. Enduring beauty was created.

Now I pray again, deeply, for peace, fairness, justice, love in my world,

this beautiful, betrayed, discouraging world.

It is through the very act of prayer that I am fulfilled, not in the

answering of my prayer, in the very act.

When I seek the divine I create the divine. I activate that energy in my

consciousness and it comes into me.

The sadness without prayer is overwhelming.

I focus on the stillness and it comes over me, into me. There is always my

very nature, beautiful beyond all failings, a light within me that will not

darken.

I rise and fall too.

New web site address:

http://Emanations.net/

11/22/2002, St. Louis, MO

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November 25, 2002

Such a sense of peace in the home tonight. I looked into the house through the windows tonight from outside and felt so lucky and so blessed. It looked so warm and dimly lit and cozy inside. Still thinking a lot about the marriage/relationship issue today. Too much to get into now.

Watched the movie Bombay tonight. Controversial film from the early nineties about the Muslim/Hindu riots in India. Need to study the Muslims more. Violence seems to follow them around from one end of the earth to the other. What is happening there? And it is such a recent invention, this Muslim God and religion, not more than fourteen hundred years or something. So what were they before they were Muslims? And did they fight and rebel and go crazy like this before they became Muslims? Before there was such a thing? Who are these people and why are they so angry and intolerant of others? I have spent a lot of time protesting violence against these people, marched on Washington to try to help bring peace to their lands, and spent many hours arguing with my Jewish and American friends about how we need to allow them their right be themselves and not bully them. but I am starting to see the other side lately. I am tired of hearing about their terrorist acts on innocent people. Need to research more. Tomorrow night we get to see and listen to Caetano Veloso.

Last great movie: Bombay. Good movie, slight cheese, but still good.

Current read: Life of Trotsky. And a photo book called Erotique, collection of historic erotic photography.

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November 24, 2002

In the line at the movies and feeling so heavy from this relationship thing. My mind was spinning from the confusion of not exactly knowing what I was feeling. Recognized the signs; unable to focus, more attention on myself rather than on the outside, feelings of discomfort and resistance. I stood there and forced myself to feel whatever I was feeling, let it all slowly unravel and untangle inside of me so I could take a look at what was there. I could discreate the beliefs later. Lets just take a look at them and free up some attention. So what I started noticing as I looked around inside was this feeling that I just wasn’t ready to settle down and get married. Even though a big part of me longs for it. I have no problem with the idea of marriage. I can’t wait. I just don’t know about the forever part of it. that’s the part that sticks me. I told la Princesa about this. I told her that maybe I could see marriage if instead of promising forever two people promised five years with an option to renew type of thing. Of course she was upset. I think she walked out actually. But I had to be honest. Forever? The rest of your life. Later she admitted that she sort of felt the same way but it was just too much to think about, and too out of the ordinary and crazy to entertain the idea. But I think that is a much more logical and practical way to go about it.

All I do know is that a lot of my friends are already divorced. And some of them are already in their second marriages. And most of us have parents who are divorced. Not all of them, but the majority of them. I notice a lot of my friends also getting married and admitting that they aren’t totally madly in love like they thought they would be but just still really wanted to get married and really love their spouse. For me I just couldn’t imagine doing that. still others are in relationships or marriages that are strained and not so deliberate. A lot of fighting. A lot of wondering what it would be like to be on their own. but maybe they have children now and can’t get out. A lot of marriages seem more Bas Fishy on avoiding pain and loneliness than experiencing love and passion. Not all of them. A few of my married friends seem really really happy. So the possibility is there. I just haven’t gotten to the point yet where I am willing to subject myself or anyone else to that.

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November 23, 2002

Tonight was the last night of the play Decay. Several members of the cast and crew passed out cards to everyone. It was a packed house. Some people were standing. So we did it. We pulled it off. No money, no major production company. No big name producers or directors. No advertising budget. Just a bunch of artists dedicated to making it happen against all odds. A hot, no-air-conditioned warehouse filled to the rim with people watching live theatre by a group of poor actors and musicians making no money for performing every night for two weeks straight for no other reason than to turn people on to live theatre. This was the vision of the writer, Sasha, and the director, Nicole, and the producer, Enzu. We went along for the ride. And every night that place was near filled to capacity.

Last great movie: Brother Can You Spare a Dime, documentary about the Great Depression in America. Clark gable, James cagney, Greta garbo, FDR, Herbert Hoover, bread lines, stock market crash, wind storms, dust bowls, prohibition, what a depressing time. my great grandfather killed himself during the great depression because he lost all his money and couldn’t support his family.

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November 22, 2002

Someone asked me what the three best things about the Internet were. I replied: email, access to unlimited information, amazon.com, and eBay. O.k. so that’s four things, I know. You could also add online stock trading, netflix.com, streamable and downloadable music, alternative news sources, Internet radio, and ecommerce in general… but I digress. And I still know people who don’t have the Internet. Crazy. Tonight I found this: http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Bye.html Check it out. it is an alleged picture of an alien waving goodbye. Read the text. Intriguing. Got me thinking a bit about aliens and that whole subject. Still waiting for the moment when the mainstream media announces that “aliens now exist.” Funny how we wait for confirmation of things we already know until it hits the mainstream. I think we all kind of know that chances are there are other intelligent life forms here. Just waiting for it to be mainstream. I am as frightened by it as I am excited, I will admit. The implications are mind boggling. Quite probable, inevitable, that it will alter the entire construct of universal truth as we are currently creating it. Wink wink. And what about God? Does he know these “aliens” exist? Raised eyebrows.

Kick butt in the studio today. Vancouver laid down another great guitar track on the song beautiful one. Great performance in the play tonight. Packed house. Tomorrow is our last run. I will miss it when it is over. More dates being added to our tour starting in January—Orlando, Jacksonville, Atlanta, South Carolina. Very excited to get out there and meet fans in other parts of the country personally.

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November 21, 2002

In the studio today working more on Vancouver’s guitar parts. Challenging. The vibe of Fred is ‘lets just get it done. It shouldn’t have to take forever.’ Normally the producer is on fire and inspired as much as the artists are. He keeps the flames burning when they wane which can often be the case when an album drags on and on; the musicians tend to lose interest after a while, lose their inspiration. I never do.

But more and more lately I have been starting to think that I am not really a musician, maybe a painter who just never learned how to paint, or a film maker who makes albums instead. I am often just as ‘musically inspired’ by great films or great paintings than I am by great albums. In fact a lot of times I notice that great films or paintings seem to more closely resemble what I am trying to create in the studio than most albums that get released. I absolutely hate normal run of the mill guitar Bas drum and vocal bands and albums. I just find them very boring and can’t get through them.

But I will put on Nabukazu Takemura, which is really just electronic noise and be totally blown away. My musician friends comment that ‘anyone can do that. It’s just noise.’ But I like it, and find it refreshing and remarkably inspiring. For the most part I don’t even like “musician’s music.” Never have. Never really developed a liking for it. This is something that I have always butted heads with other musicians about. If you’re listening to music for the perfection of the craft of it, then that is one thing, which a lot of musicians are into. how well someone can play an instrument or sing. But that has never been my thing. Always preferred music that set a tone, created a mood, no matter the actual musicianship. Loved my bloody valentine. Play it for a lot of musicians who just don’t even understand why someone would make that. “where’s the songs?” they ask. Or “that guy is just making noise on his guitar. He can’t even play.” But I never cared about that too much. So I don’t care how long an album takes to make. I just know when we’re done. It could be a year. It could be three years. I tell Vancouver ‘less “trying to play a part” and more “trying to cop a vibe.” And the great thing is that he is totally capable of pulling it off. He is some kind of boy-genius on the guitar.

If we can just get Fred to get on board and realize that we aren’t trying to just make some standard rock album, but something deeper, richer. He will pull out songs by Cracker, or queens of the stone age, and that stuff is great. But I am thinking more along the lines of Citizen Kane, or Oliver Stone. He just laughs at me a lot. Thinks I am crazy. I told him today that we may have to add another layer of drums. And he just thought I was out of my mind. “Two totally separate drum tracks?! What are you? On crack?” I know he didn’t sign on for that and in a way it isn’t fair to now demand it of him, after all, he has to make a living, and we can’t just keep him working on this album for the next ten years, but somewhere there is a middle ground we will have to find if we’re all going to be happy.

Current Spin: A Taste of Asia. Ancient Chinese instrumental music.

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November 20, 2002

Sitting with Bas, going through live shows on video trying to find cool moments to post on the website. We were talking about the Middle East, about why can’t humans just get along, and experience peace. He sighs, mumbles “it’s just fucking Bush. What’s wrong with him? He doesn’t give people an accurate idea of what the people are like. Every one just thinks that we are like these crazy war mongers. But we’re not.

Al Gore, Shroud of Turin,

Picasso Retrospective

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November 19, 2002

Performed another night of the play tonight to a packed house. Everyone was over the top. In those brief moments I was my character. Audience was clapping and laughing and really liked it. Afterwards the playwright Sasha gave this speech about how we needed to raise more money for the artists’ co op C-Roc and it was hilarious. People were rolling from laughter. He said things like, “look, here’s the deal. We just want to be able to do this for our living and have people like you pay for it. so give us money. We need money. We need your money….we’re artists. We don’t have to be rich. We just don’t want to have to work, that’s all.” Things like that. It was great.

Burning the candle at both ends right now. Spend most of my days with a severe headache, like a vice squeezing my head. Feel like I have no time. can’t even think straight. Craziness. La Princesa is mad. Says that she can’t see me anymore because I don’t have the time for anyone in my life. I say we just saw each other yesterday. She reminds me, “that was two days ago you jerk.” And then she hits me. Two or three days feels like one day to me. crazy.

Was in the studio today recording Vancouver’s guitar parts. Spent the first hour arguing with him and Fred the producer. Trying to get them to see that if we don’t create something truly remarkable, truly innovative and fresh and magical that there isn’t any sense in us doing it, I don’t care how many people buy it. he says, “don’t you just want to sell records? People don’t buy CDs because they are innovative Fishy. Listen to the radio.” I said I didn’t care. I explained to them another perspective… “look how fucking lucky we are, you are. Here you have this opportunity to come in here for free and Fred, we’re paying you to help us do it, and here we have this opportunity to come in here and show the world who you are, whatever you got. You have this opportunity to lay it down on tape, all of us together and create whatever we want. So what are we going to create? Radio music? Are you a guitar God? Or are you just some guy in Miami who plays the guitar? What do you want people to think when they put this CD on? Well I know what I want them to think. so lets fucking make it happen.” Well it worked. He played some amazing parts. Truly brilliant guitar playing, textural, exotic, wild, surreal stuff. it may kill us but we are making something very special with this one.

TheTranscendenceDiaries

Month: November 2002

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