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TheTranscendenceDiaries

Month: June 2005

article 2019-04-29 124625_0.html

June 30, 2005
I’m in Orlando right now. last minute excursion for the holidays to hang with Little Tree and some Avatar friends. Biggest Avatar course in history yet again. every course is the biggest one. over 180 new Avatars at once. Awesome.

Just received this email from JB, my new awesome image guy. about the new CD NIC.

Hey Fishy,
First, let me apologize for taking so long to get back to you about the specific feedback that you requested on the album.

I think you said it best in our session last week, you start with that fluid instrumental, then Somebody Killed the DJ has an 80’s vibe, then you have songs like I wanna Know Ya, Tomorrow, Come On, and Revolution In Me has it’s roots in more 70’s rock, Caetano is it’s own thing, then the next few songs each have their own distinct elements, then you have that instrumental on track 11, then Softening-which is awesome, but stands as something different from the rest, then you go in another direction with Bored, then you take 40 seconds to get into If Your Baby Could, which sounds like a lullaby, then Nothing is Cohesive which illustrates the point exactly.

Now, it’s all very cool, mind you. I like the music a lot. It’s just that you keep people guessing throughout, which in and of itself isn’t a terrible thing, but it doesn’t portray one very consistent point of view and direction. And when you’re making a first impression, that’s what people need. As an example, if you look at Songs About Jane from Maroon 5, every song on that album stays true to one sound and direction. And they won a grammy for it.

How are you feeling about all this now?

O.k. since he asked, here’s my answer to JB. I LIKE that the CD goes in a lot of different directions. I don’t like songs about Jane from maroon 5 because every song HAS THE SAME STYLE. That’s how I feel as a music listener. I like albums to offer lots of different sounds and textures and styles like pink Floyd’s the wall or the Beatles white album. That’s the shit I love more than anything else. I would hate to think that I’m my own worst enemy. The truth is that I am a rock star wannabe at best. haven’t broken big yet, so maybe old JB has a point. He certainly isn’t the only one who has told me this. then he mentions making a first impression and I’m thinking shit man this is the third transcendence album, and its my sixth in total as a recording artist. So its not exactly a first impression. As an artist I have to be free to explore the art as fully and completely and expressively and wildly as I want to. I just have to. but at the same time, I hear him. on this next CD I’m going to do my best to keep the style one cohesive one. keep it all sounding the same. I’m really going to try for once to do that. we’ll see how that goes. I appreciate the feedback a lot.

Last screening: Biography of the Louisiana senator Huey long. interesting: “it is said that great men aren’t necessarily good men, but they can do good things.” I think we’re going to prove that one wrong eventually.
Great men can be good men.

Current spin: HOssein alizadeh, Neynava. Beautiful Persian taar music with flute.

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Uncategorized flute, Hossein Alizadeh, Huey Long, Labels: Avatar, Little Tree, NIC, Orlando, Persian, taar

article 2019-04-29 124625_1.html

June 29, 2005
Anyone ever notice how the black music guys take what is normally considered derogatory and changes the spelling of it and then uses it and even refer to themselves as these normally considered derogatory words…
Nigga Hustla gangsta ho beyotch.
What is that?
I’m not going there beyond this. but someone should explore it.

From our transcendent diaries correspondent Infinito – who couldn’t sleep last night stayed up and watched a hilarious rerun of GW speech on late night TV and made the count for us, this important bit of trivia:

POLITICAL COMMENTARY
Quick Note on Bush’s speech last night:
After a great start, “Terror (ism, ists)” held on for a last gasp win last night at President George W. Bush’s speech on Iraq. With a shaky start, “Freedom” pulled what could have been a miraculous comeback at the last stages of the speech. Analysts argue had the speech lasted longer, “Freedom” would have won considering the trend of Bush’s speeches. Nonetheless, a valiant performance by former champion”Freedom”. “Tyranny” and “Peace” came in 3rd and 4th place respectively and perennial powerhouse “Liberty” ending in a disappointing last place with a lackluster performance.

MENTION SCORE SHEET:
Terror (ism,ist, ists): 22
Freedom: 20
Tyranny: 4
Peace: 3
Liberty: 2

Note: “…America’s resolve.” and “purtect the ‘Merican People” : 1 (not in contest)

Last screening: wheel of time by Werner Herzog. This is the story of Tibetan Buddhism. As told by a German. Lets put it this way. it is every bit as boring as that sounds like it would be. I fell asleep a few times, which is a good thing, because I don’t sleep enough if you ask me. I’m down to a mere nine to ten hours a day and that’s just not enough for a wannabe rock star living in Manhattan.

I did learn a lot in between winks and I’ll tell ya, Buddhism, at least as practiced by the Tibetans, is no different than Catholicism or Judaism or Muslimism. Right down to the requisite tools of the trade including prayer beads (rosary), the hierarchy of higher-ups (lamas or priests and bishops etc), the dogma, the ritual, etc. a lot of wasted human energy for little evolutionary gain. Now don’t go telling them that because many of them travel thousands of miles on these pilgrimages to seek enlightenment without one assumes the knowledge that enlightenment can be found right here at home in the old heart of the individual. But if we had a nickel for every prayer said and every chat recited and every bead counted and every sand mandala created and every thousand mile pilgrimage made for selfish reasons of self-enlightenment, then India wouldn’t have so many hungry fucking people. get to work people. work on practical pragmatic action items, and stop worrying about the effing after-life. the after-life we can work on in the actual after-life. lets work on this life. same thing with the Catholics and the born again Christians and the Muslims and the Hindus. Lets evolve in this life people. fuck the afterlife.

Current spin: system of a down, new one. this is awesome!!!! I see what people mean by unique and have their own sound. this is metal in some weird way, in a foundational sense but it is entirely their own. reminds me of the late eighties early metal of faith no more and others.
and Rush, Hemispheres. GREAT ALBUM. No one talks about Rush anymore. But we should because they are a great band.

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Uncategorized Christians, Hemisphere, Labels: Catholics, Muslims, Rush, Tibetan Buddhism

article 2019-04-29 124625_2.html

June 28, 2005
Again I dreamed last night that I killed someone, or attempted to.  a guy. I shot him but then he got back up. these are entities. They are lifeless in the dreams. coming from my own subconscious. Don’t speak or do much of anything at all. just a way for my brain to process this need to kill…. almost every night lately I have these dreams where I am killing someone, never really wanting to, but always feeling forced to. and I am torn between feeling that I need to kill them for some serious life threatening situation and then not wanting to because it is another human life. but I always end up trying to kill them but then most times it doesn’t work. They live, struggling there half dead. I stand there looking at it all as if I’m in a dream, confused, guilty, feeling trapped. What the fuck is going on in my brain?

Everytime I see a pregnant girl walking with a guy I feel jealous. Happy for them, but wishing i had a wife of my own who was pregnant. Talk about the biological clock ticking….  But at the same time, the other day, I received this whisper that said something to the effect of ‘Fishy, you aren’t married now. do you get that? that you are single? That you are free? That you can do whatever the hell you want to right now? make love to or go out with whomever and however you want to? you’re spending all of your single time fantasizing about some ideal woman and romance and then you’re going to get married and three years into realize its forever and you never really took advantage of being single. So do it now. go for it NOW.

O.k. so that’s good. I’m glad I remembered that. Now just have to put it into practice. [as if I haven’t enough already… can someone say whackjob? crackpot? Looneytunes? Does the wanderlust ever leave the man? does the teenager ever leave the man? does the boy ever leave he heart of the man?]

Had a great feeling of completion tonight. for the most part finished the grueling process of viewing all the footage for the TV show. And talked with a really cool editor. I felt so good. like wow, we’re really doing it.

Still watching frank Lloyd Wright bio. What a strange man. good at what he did. but weird. his own worst enemy. He could have had it a lot easier if he wouldn’t have been such a loon. But I’m learning a lot about architecture and inspired by his work ethic. The artist always knows he is great. Never doubt that. if you know you are great you’re half way there. that’s the key. Believing in yourself. Great men always know they are great, no matter what the world at the time thinks. History proves it. if someone claims they are great, often times they could be nothing more than a loon with grand delusions, but somewhere down the line they oftentimes just may prove it just by the sheer force of their will and their belief in themselves.

Astrologer told me that Princess Little Tree was my partner in my last life, but not in this one, but we make a powerful force. I believe her. she saw Princess Little Tree without me saying a word. Knew her age, her hair color, what she looked like, and how she acted and was in my life. and many other people in my life as well. just from looking at these charts of weird figures etc… I’m telling you these astrologers are amazing when they are good. the way they can look at your chart and just start spitting out information that is so accurate. You don’t say shit. they don’t even know your name or what you do, and yet they can tell you so much about you and your life just by the positions of the planets and stars in your chart. This woman’s name is Karen Pavlus out of upstate NY. She is one of the best I have ever spoken to. I was impressed. Felt very good about most of what she said. Tony Robbins has a saying that everything in life is either a warning or an inspiration. If it’s a warning, you shift directions, you change and you shift to create what you want. If its an inspiration, you keep going in that direction, keep running with the ball. She saw Cleopatra too. I cannot tell you how many have seen Cleopatra and said the exact same things to me. stand strong and be courageous and fight till you win. this person is poison for you and for herself in this lifetime. it is a life test for you. only you can learn the lessons regarding why this person is in your chart/life and resolve this karma once and for all. you must not back down or it will repeat. Now bear in mind, this is someone seeing a person in my “chart” and not hearing or knowing shit from me. not knowing any of the details and not knowing even if she is speaking about anything remotely relevant. Just spitting out words about a person that she sees on the chart. She even mentioned specifics such as this person is involved with you in business. this person is also involved with you regarding real estate. this real estate is very important. This person was once involved with you romantically. She is bitter, she is resentful, she is hurt and angry and means you no good. no good can come from her here, and yet you refuse to believe it. why? you must break this spell and stand up to this or it will repeat. You think that by being kind and forgiving that you are doing the right thing but you are not. sometimes the dove needs to stand up to the hawks. Do you have any understanding of what I am speaking about here?

It was uncanny. I was more than impressed. I was floored.

Now of course there is another answer to it as well. one can easily assume that psychics and astrologers have a way of tapping into reality, of seeing the future, or the past. Or one can conclude that they just have an ability to see inside the subjects head, they pick up on what the client is thinking and feeling. And that can explain why they all always seem to be so accurately tuned in and say the same things about the same subjects. They’re just reading the mind of the client. Either that, or they really are tapping into data that is really out there available that most of us just can’t access. Either way, its fascinating stuff.

Current spin: four tet, everything ecstatic. Great CD. very Fishy. I could have made it. I would be proud to. but it sounds like nothing like me mind you, in case you go buy it thinking it might. Its sound music electronica. Bleep music. my favorite now. so creative as if he didn’t know what making an album was all about and just reinvented the process. Like those three Radiohead cds they did back to back… o.k. computer to amnesiac. magical.

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Uncategorized dreaming of killing someone, everything in life is either a warning or inspiration, Karen Pavlus, Labels: astrologer, meaning of dreams, pregnant women, transcendence diaries

Still in awe over the church experience

June 27, 2005

Still in awe over that church experience.

There is this antibiotic that the doctor has me on called leviquin. This is the fourth night in the row I have experienced this. it is now 3:21 am and I am wide awake. If you take it before bed you will at some point become aware during your sleep that you are sleeping and dreaming. It is a restless sleep to say the least, but filled with very vivid dreams, more like hallucinations. Filled with wild imagery and color. I have gotten two beautiful songs out of this drug so far, both while sleeping/dreaming. In the last dream I was just having I was dancing through a field with this young boy and Trophy wife, the singer. and we were in this imaginary world like hr puff and stuff or pee wee herman or neverland. All these rivers and tress and butterflies and we were just singing this gorgeous song together that we were making up as we went along. Finally I just thought this is enough, I’m going to wake up and record this song into a tape recorder. This is to good not to get down. So I snapped myself out of the dream and recorded some and now I’m just sitting here writing because my brain is moving so fast. it feels like speed. I cannot believe they release this stuff onto the market and just dish it out to regular unsuspecting people who trust whatever their doctor says. [and here’s the thing, I only take one half at a time because I’m just that way. more people die in America every year from legally prescribed prescription drugs than any other preventable cause. It’s the number one cause of death in America. I forget the number but its ridiculous. Like you hear it and you can’t believe it. so I always take really small doses of everything. I couldn’t imagine if I were taking whole tablets. I’d be jumping off the walls. But it has cured my ear ache pretty fast.]

Another side effect is this itching. My whole body itches. And this sucks. But it is worth this hallucinatory effect to be sure. My mind feels on fire almost. I would almost call it anxiety but I kind of like it, so I don’t mind waking up like this in the middle of the night to type or think or sing for an hour or two. If I did, I’d be hating life. but just what it does to the mind is so freaky and refreshing and exciting, I’m kind of welcoming the million miles an hour rapid thoughts. One caveat: this drug cost $368 for the bottle so this isn’t a cheap high, but worth it if you can get just a few. Also, its an anti-biotic, so its not the healthiest thing to be taking recreationally. If you’re up for it though and into mind exploration, this would be one to try. and I’m talking about purely scientific purposes here of course. if you’re into psychotropic drug research. I would almost classify this as a nootropic because the ideas fly out so fast.

Something I had come to understand tonight. about the whole girls saga that I write about endlessly. Quick before I lose my nerve to set it to paper. the thing is this. if you meet someone and they aren’t the someone, meaning you may have this great chemistry with them and be moderately attracted to them, but you aren’t head over heels with them, then of course yes the natural tendency is to want to hang with them. of course. so in me, that desire, its natural. Its not wrong. and all this time I had been making myself wrong for wanting to date all these girls who weren’t ‘the one.’ so for a long time now I haven’t been allowing myself to do it at all. but here’s the catch. If you already know they’re not the one. if you already feel that. that you’re not going to or not capable of or not going to be desirous of having a mid to long term affair with them, but just kind of in it because its moderately amusing or they are intellectually stimulating or you have fun with them, then you have to tell them from the beginning. You can’t just be dating them and playing along for your own selfish reasons because they’re fun in the moment. because to them you might be someone they really like. And its easy to use that to your advantage. But you can’t. you see its like if you meet the woman of your dreams and she introduces you to all these guys she went out with who you kind of say to yourself ‘well how the hell did you go out with him?’ its like that. we as men have to have the same kind of discrepancy that we expect girls to have. which normally we don’t. we just go out with whatever girl we can so we can shag them. because after all that’s our natural instinct, to do as many girls as possible. But we all know what happens after we bag a babe. Normally we lose interest pretty quickly. And that sucks for that girl and then it sucks for us because we feel guilty. And then we lose them as a friend. so the thing is about being real. Its about being real with ourselves and with the girl. Wow. that’s some heavy shit. I just never saw it through to its conclusion like that. I think this may have something to do with being a man. with being a gentleman. I think it may even be something like you can in the end actually date the girls because you may really enjoy certain things about them, but you just need to be totally upfront with them and let them know from the start that you’re friends. Kind of like girls do with us. you know how they do that? I know, it sucks. But they have that capacity. And we usually don’t. we’ll just lead any girl on just so we can sleep with them. but again, I think we have to start taking that attribute of women and applying it ourselves.  There will be a lot less conflict and battle of the sexes going on if we’re upfront like that.

Last screening: frank Lloyd Wright biography by ken burns. Wow, what a crazy one. inspiring though disconcerting. Let us hope that it is possible to achieve the same level of genius without the same degree of dishonesty and creepiness.



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Uncategorized attraction, being a gentleman, chemistry, dating girls who aren't the one, finding God, leviquin, prescription drugs, side effects, sleeping and dreaming

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June 27, 2005
Still in awe over that church experience.

There is this antibiotic that the doctor has me on called leviquin. This is the fourth night in the row I have experienced this. it is now 3:21 am and I am wide awake. If you take it before bed you will at some point become aware during your sleep that you are sleeping and dreaming. It is a restless sleep to say the least, but filled with very vivid dreams, more like hallucinations. Filled with wild imagery and color. I have gotten two beautiful songs out of this drug so far, both while sleeping/dreaming. In the last dream I was just having I was dancing through a field with this young boy and Trophy wife, the singer. and we were in this imaginary world like hr puff and stuff or pee wee herman or neverland. All these rivers and tress and butterflies and we were just singing this gorgeous song together that we were making up as we went along. Finally I just thought this is enough, I’m going to wake up and record this song into a tape recorder. This is to good not to get down. So I snapped myself out of the dream and recorded some and now I’m just sitting here writing because my brain is moving so fast. it feels like speed. I cannot believe they release this stuff onto the market and just dish it out to regular unsuspecting people who trust whatever their doctor says. [and here’s the thing, I only take one half at a time because I’m just that way. more people die in America every year from legally prescribed prescription drugs than any other preventable cause. It’s the number one cause of death in America. I forget the number but its ridiculous. Like you hear it and you can’t believe it. so I always take really small doses of everything. I couldn’t imagine if I were taking whole tablets. I’d be jumping off the walls. But it has cured my ear ache pretty fast.]

Another side effect is this itching. My whole body itches. And this sucks. But it is worth this hallucinatory effect to be sure. My mind feels on fire almost. I would almost call it anxiety but I kind of like it, so I don’t mind waking up like this in the middle of the night to type or think or sing for an hour or two. If I did, I’d be hating life. but just what it does to the mind is so freaky and refreshing and exciting, I’m kind of welcoming the million miles an hour rapid thoughts. One caveat: this drug cost $368 for the bottle so this isn’t a cheap high, but worth it if you can get just a few. Also, its an anti-biotic, so its not the healthiest thing to be taking recreationally. If you’re up for it though and into mind exploration, this would be one to try. and I’m talking about purely scientific purposes here of course. if you’re into psychotropic drug research. I would almost classify this as a nootropic because the ideas fly out so fast.

Something I had come to understand tonight. about the whole girls saga that I write about endlessly. Quick before I lose my nerve to set it to paper. the thing is this. if you meet someone and they aren’t the someone, meaning you may have this great chemistry with them and be moderately attracted to them, but you aren’t head over heels with them, then of course yes the natural tendency is to want to hang with them. of course. so in me, that desire, its natural. Its not wrong. and all this time I had been making myself wrong for wanting to date all these girls who weren’t ‘the one.’ so for a long time now I haven’t been allowing myself to do it at all. but here’s the catch. If you already know they’re not the one. if you already feel that. that you’re not going to or not capable of or not going to be desirous of having a mid to long term affair with them, but just kind of in it because its moderately amusing or they are intellectually stimulating or you have fun with them, then you have to tell them from the beginning. You can’t just be dating them and playing along for your own selfish reasons because they’re fun in the moment. because to them you might be someone they really like. And its easy to use that to your advantage. But you can’t. you see its like if you meet the woman of your dreams and she introduces you to all these guys she went out with who you kind of say to yourself ‘well how the hell did you go out with him?’ its like that. we as men have to have the same kind of discrepancy that we expect girls to have. which normally we don’t. we just go out with whatever girl we can so we can shag them. because after all that’s our natural instinct, to do as many girls as possible. But we all know what happens after we bag a babe. Normally we lose interest pretty quickly. And that sucks for that girl and then it sucks for us because we feel guilty. And then we lose them as a friend. so the thing is about being real. Its about being real with ourselves and with the girl. Wow. that’s some heavy shit. I just never saw it through to its conclusion like that. I think this may have something to do with being a man. with being a gentleman. I think it may even be something like you can in the end actually date the girls because you may really enjoy certain things about them, but you just need to be totally upfront with them and let them know from the start that you’re friends. Kind of like girls do with us. you know how they do that? I know, it sucks. But they have that capacity. And we usually don’t. we’ll just lead any girl on just so we can sleep with them. but again, I think we have to start taking that attribute of women and applying it ourselves.  There will be a lot less conflict and battle of the sexes going on if we’re upfront like that.

Last screening: frank Lloyd Wright biography by ken burns. Wow, what a crazy one. inspiring though disconcerting. Let us hope that it is possible to achieve the same level of genius without the same degree of dishonesty and creepiness.

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Uncategorized chemistry, finding God, Labels: attraction, leviquin, medications, transcendence diaries

article 2019-04-29 124625_4.html

June 26, 2005
Today I had an opportunity to feel what it felt like to get a “worry” and then in that moment to say to myself, “well wouldn’t it be cool if instead of fretting over this, I could just enjoy the ride, maybe learn something from it, maybe not, but either way, just enjoy the experience. What if I didn’t look at it like a situation that I need to be fretful over or worry over? What if I just took as part of the ride?

[what is it with new Yorkers calling Florida ‘flarida?’ don’t they see that there’s an ‘o’ in the word Florida? what is that? and what is it with that word anyway? Florida? if you look at it for a while and say it a few times, it takes on this whole other quality… Florida. what kind of a word is that anyway? Florida? have to look it up. be right back…

the other thing I was thinking about while listening to some bible reading in church today was this: what the hell are we doing reading or paying any attention to for that matter the history of the Jews? I mean, the old testament is after all nothing more than a series of thousands of years of Jewish history. And respectfully one can understand the importance these historical documents might hold for Jewish people. that’s their history. Their tradition. So if they want to sit around every Sunday and read it, that’s cool. we would expect it. good for them. But as I looked around the church this morning I’m noticing that there aren’t any Jewish people in the hall. We’re not from Israel. None of us. And I’m thinking, so what the hell are we all doing studying this story about this cat named Abraham who was about to kill his son Issaac as a sacrifice to his God? I mean, say what you will, but I think that’s pretty fucking psychotic, and this whole old testament is psychotic. Its just one crazy story after another. But that’s beside the point. But truly, what the hell does that have to do with us. I mean, as Americans I understand that we don’t have any tradition or real history that dates back too far because we’re too new of a country, so if we want to look for some kind of meaning or spiritual significance in old traditions and history texts like people do with the old testament then we’re going to have to go back to the ancient writings of whatever country we’re from. for me that would be England and Italy. For other people that might be Greece or Ireland or some African country or Scotland or Russia or where ever. But sitting around reading the old testament as a bunch of Americans/Europeans just makes no sense when you look at it in the bigger picture. Its quite silly and makes no sense.

Regardless of all of this, because of course I could go on forever, and millions have — go to Amazon.com or any library in the world and check out the religious & inspirational, philosophy, theology, or comparative religion sections; hundreds of millions of words have been penned by humankind espousing countless ideas over thousands of years about God and religion and the like and none of it is any more significant now than it ever has been; at least it won’t be until an actual God shows up or an afterlife magically appears (and trust me, I’m not one to doubt the ability of humankind to create anything we want to eventually just by sheer thought-energy and our pure desire for either to exist, but for now its all up in the air). So even these words… as important as they may seem to me, as they have to millions who have come before me, are absolutely meaningless when it comes to the greater questions that befuddle our limited understanding of life in this grand universe.  

But again, with all that said, I must make note here today as I have many Sundays prior, that this whole church thing I have been experiencing has been quite the miracle in my life as of late. call it what you will. I’m certainly not a religious man. I think I’m the only American alive who hasn’t seen Mel Gibson’s Jesus box office smash and if I’m lucky I never will. I don’t condone that kind of revisionist history. I don’t care what your religious beliefs are. you want to make a movie about an important religious figure then study your history first. and then make your movie. Tell the truth. or try to. with Jesus it would be hard because there are so many contradictory versions of his life. but at least try. show that you care. Show that there are at least two, three, four, different stories there that are all plausible. And until we address those we are never going to get beyond the myths that we continue to propagate century after century. No different than what the Romans or Greeks were doing with their God-myths. Nuf said.

So I’m certainly not religious, but something is happening to me and to my heart with this force that I call God. its speaking to me, its guiding me. and it feels great. I mean, I walk out of there every week kicking my heels and feeling truly blessed. God has really entered my life and he/she/it seems o.k. that I have these questions and concerns. And that my friends is what God is or should be all about. its all about the love. Its just love. And all these war mongering crazies out there killing people in the name of God are just the pretenders on the throne. One day the light will come to bear these truths to be self evident. Until then, we keep quiet and do our best to love each other as much as we can.
————————————————-
Great brunch today with tomcat and his new babe from Nigeria. Got started on the whole 9/11 saga. He is to forward me a bunch of research reports and studies of sept 11 that are being conducted now by research teams in Canada that are pointing to more cover-ups and more evidence that the American government was indeed behind the whole thing and that’s why Bush didn’t flinch when he heard the news. and why the entire bin laden family was secretly escorted out of the country on private jets as soon as the towers were hit. And more and more connections between bush family and bin laden family which everyone’s at this point and evidence that points to that guy who got beheaded in Pakistan Daniel pearl actually being a reporter who was about to blow the lid on the whole thing and show the American gov was behind it, so they got him and used that whole ‘we’re a bunch of scary crazy Muslims wearing masks’ thing as a scare tactic to win favor and support for the continued killing going on in Iraq and they killed him. hey who knows. I mean, really, at this point who knows. all we can do as tomcat says is keep building our own little nest egg and keep quiet. because if it is true all that means is that they’re going to come after us if we open our mouths too wide. And boy don’t we know that’s the truth. just ask David koresh. Oh yeah, we can’t, because they burned him alive with a hundred and seventy nine other people on live TV. At one point tomcat looks up at me and says, ‘but you know bro, for all of that it still bothers me. I still have to go work everyday and know that my money is going to pay for killing all these Iraqis. I’m paying 36% of my hard earned money in taxes and its going to pay for people dying over there.’ he sips his coffee. ‘We’re killing people. we have blood on our hands. All of us. every single one of us who is paying taxes. And we can’t do anything about it.’ I couldn’t have said it better myself. so I just looked at the tomcat as if I were looking in the mirror.

I didn’t say anything back to tomcat. I just let him sit there and stare at me looking for an answer. the problem is is that he is right. we can’t do anything about it. America has always invaded other countries. All big countries have. America started out by invading America. Remember we aren’t Americans. We are the invaders still. the occupiers. We only call it our land and our country because we have the biggest guns still. and then America invaded Mexico and now they call it Texas. America invaded Korea and grenada and Vietnam. The people of big countries don’t mind when they’re government invades other countries as long as they still have their Coke and their sex and the city and their p diddy and their fritos and queer eye TV. Big governments know this. so they keep on invading and they’ll use every trick in the book to keep on doing it. and our taxes will keep on paying for it because we can’t do a damn thing about it. we can bitch and moan and complain and protest but its not going to do any good. Vietnam taught us that.

Take a look at the countries that didn’t choose to invade Iraq: France and Germany. Well study their history. Shit they know what invading other countries gets you. eventual revolutions and if you’re not careful eventually retaliatory attacks on your own land. So they butt out. 9/11 taught us that. should have at least. but our government hasn’t learned that one yet. and maybe they never will until it really hits home. and for us, the people of this great twisted wreck of bitter irony that we are, that will be a sad fucking day. because the truth is that we the people aren’t invading any countries. We’re not even in Iraq. Our government is. in our names. And with out tax dollars. So if the blow of justice and revenge ever lands upon these tired soils it will not come as surprise to a few of us. that’s just the hand of nature dealing the cards out.

Last screening: batman begins. well they finally did it. Hollywood finally made a good batman movie. In fact batman begins is the first good superhero movie that’s ever been released. I know what you’re thinking if you’re a regular reader, because that would imply that you’re smart as hell and you don’t believe the hype. So you’re probably like me and saw that first batman piece of doo doo and felt so insulted and bored and over-hyped and over-sold that you wanted to run screaming out of the theatre and if you were lucky you never saw any of the sequels or any of the spiderman movies either. But I’m telling you, they finally got it right this time. Christian bale, the man everyone should remember from his excellent performance in the twisted masterpiece American psycho, made a great batman. Just fucking great. Remember when michale keaton was trying to play Bruce Wayne and batman and you felt uncool just being in the theatre watching it because it was so uncool. Well not with Christian bale. I’m not saying this was the godfather or anything. But trust me, it’s a good flick and good time. inspiring. This is what g lucas should have done with his sadly disappointing star wars follow-ups. Paper disguised as bread those were at best. But this little baby was pretty cool. and not so Hollywood. even though there are plenty of cool actors in it. of course liam neeson dies in it because I think he must have that written in his contracts – that he dies in every movie he’s in. Gary Oldman was good enough. Michale caine was surprisingly good, because for the past twenty years he’s just been so ‘fine just write me the check and give me the script and I’ll show up, I promise.’ But in this he’s pretty good. leaves a nice opening for a sequel. Lets hope they get it as good the second time as they did here.

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Uncategorized ethnicity, finding God, Labels: bible reading, Religion, transcendence diaries, women

article 2019-04-29 124625_5.html

June 25, 2005
Spent an hour on the phone with the infamous producer/singer/songwriter Zeke Zaskin, talking about the new album we are recording. I’m telling him about all the music I’m digging and what I want the new CD to sound like.

After an hour or so, Zeke tells me ‘well after everything you’ve said, we’re still at the same place we always are, that same comfortable yet uncomfortable Fishy place, which is where you’re standing there between wanting to create three different musical styles on one album, modern rock which is what you always make, pop and hip-hop, and experimental, which is what you listen to and like the most. Six months ago you said you wanted to make an album that sounds like metallica and now you say you want to make an album like gwen stefani.’ ‘o.k. I hear ya. I know I know. so what do we do?’ ‘I really feel like we need to hone in on what you want to make first before we go any further. You need to find that one unifying theme for this album and then just run with it once you find it and not try to fit everything in all at once.’

‘you know man, I say, ‘How can I sit here and say that I listen to all this popular rock music like the doves, and Foo fighters, and Audioslave, and bloc party and modest mouse and killers and all that but that I can’t even listen to more than thirty seconds a song because its so predictable and boring and the music that I love like beck and jay z and the game and gwen and Rufus is driving me crazy because I like it so much, and then I turn around and create another modern rock album of my own. it makes no sense. I have to find a way to start making my own music sound like the music I actually enjoy listening to. I’m so sick of rock.’ ‘well then stop making rock music.’

‘well then you need to build your songs in a different way. why not send over the roughs to me and if we have to we’ll strip away all the drum parts and bass parts and guitars and we’ll build them from scratch with electronic hip hop drums and bass and just scratch the guitars.’

‘Well I don’t know if the guys are going to be into that. look guys we erased all of your parts and we’re now a hip hop band.’ ‘well yes that’s a concern. You know Fishy its two different kinds of animals. With rock it’s a monstrous sound. its this huge wall of heavy guitars and drums and cymbals and bass guitar. And with hip hop it’s the opposite. Its all sparseness and just a killer beat.’ ‘yeah I know. well we’ve already got a huge wall of drums and bass and guitars built up on these songs. Look, if we can’t make it a hip hop album at this point because we’ve already laid down a foundation of a modern rock album, at least we can take the elements of the arrangement and production that we like from hip hop and pop, that it brings to music. we can arrange the shit from a hip hop perspective.’

‘well like I said, you can send me the shit and let me check it out and I’ll co-produce it, and where these songs are at now if it appears that the album wants to be a dog, we can just finish it, call it a dog, and listen to it say bow wow. or it might be that we want to scrap it all and place some wings on it and call it a duck and get it to quack. Its going to be up to you brother.’

‘dude can I quote you on that?’

‘zeke zaskin makes another appearance in the diaries? certainly. Feel free.’

Man isn’t it so true how we always just steal the shit from the black musicians. Since music first went pop and rock in the early twentieth century, we’ve been taking from the black folk. Al Jolson painting himself in black face. little Richard and chuck berry and fats domino invented rock and roll. and American jazz, the first great original American art form, that was all black cats forging that new territory. And then Elvis made his career from singing all the black songs and the Beatles and Stones just trying to cop the black music they loved, singing all the black songs, and zeppelin ripping off all the black blues songs they worshipped, and then Eric Clapton and all those guitar cats taking whatever they could from Jimi, and in the seventies they hit their stride basically defining an entire decade and sound called dance music/disco with sly and the family stone and g Clinton and P Funk, and of course the jacksons and Motown invented modern pop music, and al green and Marvin gaye and stevie and the temps and Curtis showed us what it could be like if we actually put some soul into our pop…  and then rap hit and blew everyone away and saved aerosmiths career, shit I don’t think they even had a career anymore until that duet with run dmc, and now its all everyone just trying to sound like the hip hop cats. Its just always been about what the American black cats are doing.

But you know, there’s a reason for it. the black music has just always sounded better, been hotter, cooler, hipper, more cutting edge. And we white folk always trying to grab onto it and put our spin on it… trying to get a little taste. Me I can’t get enough black music.

Current spin: Gorilaz, demon days. interesting but predictable. Destiny’s child, destiny fulfilled. Great production but predicatble. I’m sure it will sell well. Ficserspooner, odyssey. We were compared to them in a recent review. I see no similarity. A girl called Eddy. I like this CD a lot. So much music out there. no way to keep up. still completely obsessed with HOLLABACK GIRL by Gwen Stephani. Which is my favorite song of all time currently. Right up there with crazy in love as one of the all time great pop songs. Can a song get any better than that?

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Uncategorized Labels: making it in the music industry, making music, producer, recording an album, transcendence diaries, writing music, zeke zaskin

Killer ear ache the last few days

June 24, 2005

Killer ear ache the last few days. this is my second one in six months. I know what its from. its because I don’t have a housekeeper now and I take baths. I have always taken baths. My new image consultant or image coach more like it, what did we call him again? JB? Yeah, JB I think. he’s always trying to get me to discover more of my quirks because he says it makes great press. Of course you need great press if you are a somebody, but I’ve made a career of being a not-somebody so I have no idea why we are worrying about great press. But in any case, JB tells me, there’s another quirk for you. I have always taken baths. There was a brief time in high school when I thought it was cool and grownup to take showers so I did it for a while because it was all about discovering the inner-man within and bagging the babes, but by college I was back in the tub every morning.

So did that freak any of my girlfriends out through the years? yeah I think it did. a grown man jumping out of bed to go sit in the bathtub for an hour every morning. but now everyone is used to it because well I’m an adult now and I think everyone has just pretty much assumed ‘yeah, well Fishy takes baths. He just does. He’s always done that.’ when at home for the holidays mom always wakes me up early so I don’t make everyone late because of the bath factor. Classic.

[I just heard a girl on the street say what the fuck. I hate when girls curse. I know. totally sexist. But I can’t help it. I’m old fashioned. if I hear a girl curse I just totally lose my interest in them. if a girl says fuck because she’s really mad that’s one thing, as long as its cute.. you know. like “honey you just said fuck.” And then she apologizes. But if you’re at dinner with a girl and she says fuck matter of factly… Forget about it. I’m looking at her wondering how I ever managed to be at a dinner table with her. I’m not saying I wouldn’t sleep with them. but I just wouldn’t go out with them. you know, girls should offer you that girl thing. and saying fuck is not just not that girl thing. speaking of girls, today some girl comes into my office and slaps all these naked photos of her in all these erotic poses on my desk and walks away. I’ll tell you, ever since I decided to stop being player and hold out for number one the girls are just coming out of the woodwork. Its nuts. I think girls can feel when you’re not playing anymore. They try to get through that maybe because they see as a challenge. Or maybe just because you aren’t putting out that I’m a player vibe anymore. Who knows. but this is crazy. now when I finally decide to get serious and look for Mrs. Number one… now they’re just everywhere. and the naked pix didn’t even turn me on. which could mean that I’m gay I guess. Holy shit that reminds me last night I walked to this local newsstand on second avenue to get a smoke and there was this GAY XXX magazine on the counter so I opened it up and looked inside. And holy shit. it was filled with naked men with huge erect rods doing each other. I mean they were like really doing each other in the poop shoots. I had never seen that before. I mean, we hear about it, but to see it like that in full color. Wow. that was some crazy stuff. so that’s what they do for real then huh. Crazy. hey, whatever floats your boat.]

so where were we. O.k. so no housekeeper and the apartment is really gross. I mean we are back to the college days at this point. Seriously disgusting at this point. But that’s because I’m working around the clock and frankly even if I weren’t who wants to clean their own house? so I just let it go because well its fun and I’m lazy and probably too much of a snob at this point for my own good. but the bath tub is so gross! I’m talking gross and I still take these baths everyday in it like that character from the old MTV show the young ones. And I don’t really mind because I’m really enjoying the old dirty college days vibe. I don’t know why exactly but I’m actually enjoying it. I think I secretly look at it like my last blast. I mean, lets face it, once you settle down with a girl you can’t just let the house go and live like a pig so I’m just really getting a lot out of it and making the most of it. there is garbage everywhere and when I walk I just kick it around the room. Now bear in mind that I’m pretty high right now from all this pain medication from this effing ear ache so don’t count on me to admit this tomorrow.


but yeah I think the dirty tub water is giving me these crazy ear infections. From dunking my head under the water. But that’s not the point. Frankly, I’m quite saddened by the whole thing because the doctor told me I had to take showers for a while or I could end up in the hospital. He said that if I didn’t get in his office today I would have ended up in the hospital by Sunday because he had never seen an infection so bad. He asked how I was dealing with the pain. I told him I was popping like twenty Advil a day at this point and I finally only came in because I lost my hearing in that ear and it sucked because I couldn’t talk on the phone in my left ear and type anymore.

So he had to drain it and then place this long cotton wick with medicine on it way down deep into my ear canal. Talk about pain! holy shit. excruciating! With an earache he’s shoving this long needle down my ear canal with this tube of medicine. He says ear aches are right up there with child birth and kidney stones as far as pain goes. I would agree, except I’ve never had a kidney stone.

So The doctor cost me $440. not kidding. So that’s what life without health insurance is like. and the prescriptions were $521. you read that right. I’m not even kidding. Five hundred bucks for three bottles of medicine. Leave it to me to get so sick from taking baths that I have to spend a thousand dollars on an ear ache. Fucking a I thought when I was in the drug store. No wonder people are complaining about health care costs in this fucking twisted country. a billion dollars an hour we are spending of our tax dollars on bush’s destruction of Iraq and we can’t afford health care for Americans. I never knew it was so expensive. For the life of me I cannot figure out why all these congressmen work for us still. I mean, I never had to pay for healthcare before so I had no clue, but all these poor old saps in line in front of me and behind me. all these old people. no wonder they are so freaked out. but still, they don’t do anything about it. what a bunch of fucking idiots. If I had any idea I would have been freaking even more than I have been. And these congress people are supposed to be working for us. but I just don’t think Americans put two and two together. I just don’t think they realize, really understand, that they work for us. they are supposed to serve us.  and our needs and then you have all these schools that can’t afford auditoriums and after school programs and all that. and yet every week we spend a billion dollars on this war with our money. and everyone is still just going about their business. why? what a bunch of crazy fools we are here. I will just never get it.

I am so in love with New York. so in love with my neighborhood. Very lucky. right in the heart of things here. of course I hate New York as well. I hate it just about as much as I love it actually. I abhor the subway rides. And then those long ass walks after the subway ride. accomplishing things here if you aren’t completely loaded and have someone else doing everything for you is really fucking hard. Two of my fav guitars have been at the repair shop for a month now and I just don’t feel like going to get them. because you guessed it. no car. so it’s a cab thing. I don’t know. not having a car really just makes things more frustrating and annoying and seem more difficult. But New York is so beautiful. what a wonderful crazy crowded friendly place it is. what an honor and privilege it is to live here.

Last screening: bewitched. Boo boo made me see it. hadn’t seen her in months so I was up for anything just to spend time with her.

Current spin: autechre. This is sound and nothing more. like Nabukazu takemura my favorite. Art for arts sake. I LOVE this style of music. also Akufen. Same style. Such good stuff. if you like that style. They are calling it glitch music now. I am calling it brilliant.



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Uncategorized baths, cursing, ear infection, earache, guys apartment, image consultant, living in new york

article 2019-04-29 124625_6.html

June 24, 2005
Killer ear ache the last few days. this is my second one in six months. I know what its from. its because I don’t have a housekeeper now and I take baths. I have always taken baths. My new image consultant or image coach more like it, what did we call him again? JB? Yeah, JB I think. he’s always trying to get me to discover more of my quirks because he says it makes great press. Of course you need great press if you are a somebody, but I’ve made a career of being a not-somebody so I have no idea why we are worrying about great press. But in any case, JB tells me, there’s another quirk for you. I have always taken baths. There was a brief time in high school when I thought it was cool and grownup to take showers so I did it for a while because it was all about discovering the inner-man within and bagging the babes, but by college I was back in the tub every morning.

So did that freak any of my girlfriends out through the years? yeah I think it did. a grown man jumping out of bed to go sit in the bathtub for an hour every morning. but now everyone is used to it because well I’m an adult now and I think everyone has just pretty much assumed ‘yeah, well Fishy takes baths. He just does. He’s always done that.’ when at home for the holidays mom always wakes me up early so I don’t make everyone late because of the bath factor. Classic.

[I just heard a girl on the street say what the fuck. I hate when girls curse. I know. totally sexist. But I can’t help it. I’m old fashioned. if I hear a girl curse I just totally lose my interest in them. if a girl says fuck because she’s really mad that’s one thing, as long as its cute.. you know. like “honey you just said fuck.” And then she apologizes. But if you’re at dinner with a girl and she says fuck matter of factly… Forget about it. I’m looking at her wondering how I ever managed to be at a dinner table with her. I’m not saying I wouldn’t sleep with them. but I just wouldn’t go out with them. you know, girls should offer you that girl thing. and saying fuck is not just not that girl thing. speaking of girls, today some girl comes into my office and slaps all these naked photos of her in all these erotic poses on my desk and walks away. I’ll tell you, ever since I decided to stop being player and hold out for number one the girls are just coming out of the woodwork. Its nuts. I think girls can feel when you’re not playing anymore. They try to get through that maybe because they see as a challenge. Or maybe just because you aren’t putting out that I’m a player vibe anymore. Who knows. but this is crazy. now when I finally decide to get serious and look for Mrs. Number one… now they’re just everywhere. and the naked pix didn’t even turn me on. which could mean that I’m gay I guess. Holy shit that reminds me last night I walked to this local newsstand on second avenue to get a smoke and there was this GAY XXX magazine on the counter so I opened it up and looked inside. And holy shit. it was filled with naked men with huge erect rods doing each other. I mean they were like really doing each other in the poop shoots. I had never seen that before. I mean, we hear about it, but to see it like that in full color. Wow. that was some crazy stuff. so that’s what they do for real then huh. Crazy. hey, whatever floats your boat.]

so where were we. O.k. so no housekeeper and the apartment is really gross. I mean we are back to the college days at this point. Seriously disgusting at this point. But that’s because I’m working around the clock and frankly even if I weren’t who wants to clean their own house? so I just let it go because well its fun and I’m lazy and probably too much of a snob at this point for my own good. but the bath tub is so gross! I’m talking gross and I still take these baths everyday in it like that character from the old MTV show the young ones. And I don’t really mind because I’m really enjoying the old dirty college days vibe. I don’t know why exactly but I’m actually enjoying it. I think I secretly look at it like my last blast. I mean, lets face it, once you settle down with a girl you can’t just let the house go and live like a pig so I’m just really getting a lot out of it and making the most of it. there is garbage everywhere and when I walk I just kick it around the room. Now bear in mind that I’m pretty high right now from all this pain medication from this effing ear ache so don’t count on me to admit this tomorrow.

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Uncategorized cursing, ear infection, earache, guys apartment, image consultant, Labels: baths, living in new york, new york, transcendence diaries, women who curse

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June 23, 2005
Dear Tuesday,

Yes well that was a good email I sent. Hard for men to write emails like that because it goes against our innate biological instincts in fact. Damn near impossible. But you just have to split yourself in two and force yourself sometimes to do the right thing.

You see, there are three kinds of girls. First group: Some girls can separate themselves from sex. they do it, they dig it, they explore it, they have fun with it, but its not always emotional to them. Cleopatra was like that. I hated it as much as I loved it. it’s a sport or a hobby to them, much like it is to most men. To men, we can totally separate ourselves emotionally from sex. in many instances it can have nothing to do with love or family or romance or emotion, just a fun experience. [this is why you can open the village voice and see close to one thousand adverts for sensual massage parlors or escort services for men just in Manhattan alone, but almost none for women. Ever wonder why that is?] For most men, this is the way it is. for us a sexual experience is much like going to a sporting event or a pub with our friends. Just a good time. but very few women fit into this group. very few. More and more these days, but still very few.

The other group of girls is where the majority of them are: sex is very much tied into emotion and love and romance and family, all that are all sort of combined. When they make love with a guy they really feel something. they can’t help it. its just the way they are built. Sex in some way, even a small way, means giving a part of themselves and they can get really attached and emotional pretty easily. Most guys are not this way. but most girls are.

And then there is a third group: those girls that don’t know which group they are in yet. so they cause a shitload of problems for themselves and the guys they are with because they just don’t know where they are yet.

Now at 22 years old, you could end up in either group. at your age you should be in group 1 so you can enjoy the single years and rack up some good experience. But the truth is that you may not know yet. and if you end up in group 2 but try to tell yourself that you’re in group 1, you could end up really hurt a lot of the time… so before you go flirting with sexy older guys who happen to play in rock bands and happen to collect romantic/sexual experiences with girls like most people collect books or cds, you should know exactly what you are doing and why and what you want out of your life. the last thing in the world I would want for you is to ever be hurt. I always want to see that shiny smile on your face. U dig? 

[In answer to your other question about the groups for guys, I think it’s the same for guys actually. I just think the tables are completely turned the other way. most guys are in group one but want desperately to be in group two so they can have a wife and kids etc so they have to fight their group number one urges their whole life and it causes them a lot of inner turmoil and frustration and guilt. Little do they know they could just wait longer to settle down and get married and get it out of their system a bit and then they’d be fine but instead they spend most of their married life in utter confusion and guilt and anxiety thinking there is something wrong with them rather than realizing that they’re just a biological system that was created to have sex all the time with lots of women. Once you get that, you’re home-free. When you do finally accept that and then deliberately decide to settle with one woman because of the enormous benefits of that, you can settle into it and be proud and deliberate in it. I’m trying to get there.]

Fishy,
In your experience, is that really true?
or are you wanting that to be true?

 Dear Tuesday,

Wow. you are fucking smart. Sharp. Wise. You’re going to have to be careful because how are you ever going to find a guy as smart as you are?

In answer to your question, In my experience I found that the benefits did outweigh the desire for tasting of other fruits… easy all the time? no. but worth it. I did fall in love a few times when I was with Cleo. I still found myself with these mild obsessions that would haunt me… but that one on one ‘we’re building an empire together’ thing is so strong in your mind and heart that it is easy. especially if you choose the right partner — someone you are just entirely obsessed with. Someone who thrills you, who has their own life and you are in awe of.

Dear fishy  

well, I’ve thought about that question a lot
like I said…most guys do not know what to do with me but there are ways in which I am not smart and I think that is what I’m looking for someone who challenges and supports those areas. I think that is why I’m naturally really attracted to older men
because they seem to have the things that I can’t stand dealt with
and have a lot of wisdom in areas where I don’t they fascinate me way more then men my age (I don’t think that I have ever dated someone my age)
honestly, I’m confused as to why I like older men
I’m trying to work that out

Now, I’m working on creating me and doing the things that I love I believe as I create a strong life he will be created to fit into that and we’ll meet each other or we won’t, but I’ll have a fucking great life anyway

so coming from a place of partying where I am at I’ve got men in my life that serve different purposes and that is fantastic too! I think it is best to not rely on one person for everything it is too much pressure so I’m trying to cultivate a strong support around me
so that I can create an amazing relationship with my future guy

not to say I don’t get frustrated and my panties in a twist because I haven’t found someone I’ve been really connected to in the last 2 years I definitely have my moments of pure pissed off and woe is me (I know, that is really sexy isn’t it?)

nice to express thanks for listening it’s been really nice to share these things with you
I’m learning a lot about myself (and you) in the process

Dear Tuesday,

I’ll tell you Lil Sis, it sounds like you really know what you’re doing and have it together. I have learned from what you are doing. I take what I can get out of reading you. I am doing a similar thing. lately asking myself, what do I need to be to attract/and then keep her? its easy to have all these demands and specifications for the person we want to be with, but what about what they want? Are we anywhere near what the person we want would want?

I mean, is my tiny apartment enough? Will she understand what the hell I am doing living like this and why? things like that. but honestly I really believe that it is all up to beliefs. when you believe it you will see it. so in the meantime I do the same, enjoy the life and make the most of it as who I am now the way that my life is now. that is the best we can do. everyday we see glimpses of what we are looking for in the faces of others on the streets and the subways and in the bars and restaurants. These are the little signs guiding us and helping us to understand our heart and its deepest desires. That way when the right person does come along, we recognize it immediately. ‘ah hah! There you are!’

But hey, you’re too young for all this serious talk. Go party more. tease men. Flirt more. Drive men crazy. drive yourself crazy. you should sleep with at least 30 more men before you marry. That way you never look back and wonder… now what about a Nigerian folk singer? I never had a Nigerian folk singer…

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Uncategorized emails, emotional sex, escorts, Labels: biological instincts, men and women, no strings attached, sex for men, sex for women, transcendence diaries, types of girls

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A private little world for me… a private little world for you. The online journals and musings of singer-songwriter author and activist Ed Hale. The Transcendence Diaries have been posting regularly online since 2001. Comments are always welcomed. And so are YOU.

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  • The Mask Is Off — Pro-Palestinian/Anti-Zionism Is Not Anti-Semitism
  • A Small Concession Has been Won In Iran — But the Bigger War Will Continue Until A Full On Democratic Revolution Transpires and the People Are Free Once and For All From Tyranny

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