Beav’s birthday today. Glad he was born. Thank God for it. I would die without him in my life. he is the light to my darkness.
Dreamed last night that somehow I ended up in studio/office/communal living space. just ended up there without knowing how or why I was there. I recognized everyone there. many people from my past. But not people I would normally hang out with. Not my ultimate group. but more like just associates. people I am friendly with but would never hang out with or be real close to. and the whole place is filled with them and somehow I am all of a sudden there working with them, and supposedly working with them. something had gone terribly wrong. what the hell was going on? Why was there? it was a gross feeling. It was a lost feeling. I am awake now. I understand the dream. I know what it meant. you cannot spend your time with people or in situations that are not ultimate for you. or you end up going down the wrong path. Like little Genevieve said the other day, I believe there may be more than one soul mate for everyone, just depends on which one you choose. I just sat there thinking about that for a moment. Wow. I think she may be right. Or when the Stallion used to tell me that she didn’t necessarily believe in just “one fate.” That if someone fucks up then they fuck up and there they are lost down some path they never should have gone down. I am starting to understand that more and more now. I used to think everything happens for a reason. That “you’re in the right place at the right time.” and all that. I don’t believe that so much anymore. I think instead that we can really just get off course sometimes and we are not in the right place at the right time. sometimes we can be way off track and everything is not meant to be. this fucking dream I had. what a nightmare. I kept roaming around the different rooms thinking what the fuck am I doing here? I don’t really like any of these people. Am I trapped? What is happening? Sometimes we can feel trapped in our lives. By our own circumstances.
[last night Columbia came over to watch a video. We tried to kiss. It didn’t work. I think it was the first time that I ever tried to kiss a girl and had it go so badly. I mean, seriously we tried and tried and just couldn’t get it to work. It was weird it was like trying to drive a car that wouldn’t work. It felt like we were robots. It was crazy. and the weirdest part is that we have all these things in common. For weeks I’ve been so amazed at how aligned we are on so many different things. she loves classical music and opera and brie and guacamole even. I mean, c’mon you’d think we’d be making this mad passionate love by now. but we just can’t get it to work. But the wonderful thing is that we decided to talk about it. I mean, imagine that. no blame or hurt or whatever. we just talked about it and laughed hysterically about it and both decided that we should definitely continue to hang out and become the best of friends but just not ever try to kiss again…]
Last screening: Angela’s ashes. Necessary viewing. What a film. Fantastically sad and moving. Even more so because it was true. I wrote on the large drawing pad next to my bed in huge letters the title of the film so I would have to wake up everyday and see it. just to remind me not to be like the father in the film. What a fucking loser. I think that’s one of the reasons why I have not ever got married or had children yet. just don’t want to fuck it up.
First talk show up went up on TTV: I’m into it. want to do more. http://www.transcendence.com/mediagallery.html
“I often dream about falling. Such dreams are commonplace to the
those who climb mountains, I read once. Lately, I dreamed I was
clutching at the face of a rock, but it would not hold. Gravel gave way, I
grasped for a shrub, but it pulled loose and in cold terror I fell into the
abyss. Suddenly I realized that my fall was relative; that there was no
bottom and no end. A feeling of pleasure overcame me. I realized that what
I embody, the principle of life, cannot be destroyed. It is written into the
cosmic code, the order of the universe. As I continued to fall in the dark
void, embraced by the vault of the heavens, I sang to the beauty of the
stars and made my peace with the darkness.”
– Heinz Pagels, physicist and mountain climber